Whirlwind Month

It's been a while.  I'm sure you've noticed, I did not finish the Capture Your Grief project.  I was gung-ho at first but started to fade.  The past month has been a whirlwind in our household.

We've sold our house, twice, and have lost both contracts for reasons beyond our control.  We are now hoping to be at sell number three, I really hope third time is a charm.  To keep a home show-ready with two full-time working adults and a one year old who loves to touch/lick everything is nearly impossible, but somehow we've managed.  We've even gotten comments on how nice our home is, who knew?

But...I'm ready for it to be done.  We have a home that is waiting for us, we just need to get there.  I'm ready to live with all of our stuff again, especially the remnants of Alfy, his toybox and the photos of his gravestone.  It feels like we aren't representing our whole family during this sale.  On the other hand, knowing what I do about people and how surface level they are, I can't imagine prospective buyers wanting to look at a photo of a child's gravestone as they walk through our home.  With that end, though, all photos in our home are gone right now.  Ready for them to be back.

I will miss this home terribly.  There are so many important memories held in these walls.  There is an irrational part of me that feels like the walls will hold on to the memories I so desperately want to keep.  Vinny's and Alfy's room will be the hardest to clear and leave.  That room holds more emotion and has seen me at rock bottom and on top of the world.  I will miss our deck too, especially sitting on the steps.  And our kitchen, and the living room and our bedroom.  All of it.  It has been such a wonderful home for our family.  I hope the next to move in will treat it with the respect, care and love it deserves.

And...I really want to be done with this whole house selling process.  It really kind of sucks, in case you haven't been through it.  

Oh, and thanks for sticking with me.  I will probably continue to be sporadic on this site.  I just don't make blogging a priority right now.  That's okay by me, but I don't plan on disappearing completely:)

Capture Your Grief, Day 18: Gratitude

Day 18: 

I am a bit behind and have missed a few posts. But I wanted to share that I am so grateful to have this amazingly by my side. He threw me for a bit of a loop this past week, but we made it through and I hope to be fortunate enough to grow old with him. Love you Tony.

I will probably not get every post from this point forward but I'm okay with that. Not all of the topics have spoke to me or they have and I don't have the energy to commit to them right now. 

Either way, please forgive me for skipping days here and there. 

Capture Your Grief, Day 15: Community

Day 15:

We happened to be in the hospital this year with my husband. Luckily, the hospital gift shop had a battery powered candle. The light even flickered. This candle is for Alfy and all the other young souls gone too soon. I love you little man.

Peace to all moms and dads tonight that have become a part of this community. 

Capture Your Grief, Day 14: Dark/Light

Day 14: Dark/Light

Today I took the picture somewhat literally and took a pic of the dark window of my husband's hospital room against the light window treatment. Not an ideal place to be. We drove here, unexpectedly on Monday evening. The drive was so similar to when we went to the hospital to deliver Alfy after finding out he was gone, it brought back the early dark side. This time, though, I have a bit more light, a bit more hope. My husband and I survived Alfy's death and birth (although at times it felt like we wouldn't). I have a confidence, given to us by Alfy, that we will survive whatever this is too. I'm not saying it won't suck, because it already does, but we have each other and our boys and family who will help us through.

Capture Your Grief, Day 13: Season

Day 13: Season

Alfy was born in the spring, a time when everything is so full life. I find it almost cruel his life was taken, when everything else was being given so much. The day we found out he had died, it had been beautiful. I wore capris and a light sweater that day, which was a bit of an oddity as it usually isn't quite that warm in early April. But I live in a state where you never know what you will get. I don't have a picture from that spring with me right now. But, here is one from this past spring, taken 2 years and 6 days after he was born. In this photo you'll notice the trees are still barren. They weren't like that two years ago, quite the opposite actually. They were full and beautiful. The trees are much like my grief, ever changing and never knowing quite what it will be like.

Capture Your Grief, Day 12: Music

Day 12: Music

This song, "Just Breathe" by Pearl Jam is one of my favorite songs of all time.  

m.youtube.com/watch?v=kuq7RYQ8Wa0  

It reminds me of the great life I lost, Alfy's. Every time I listen to this song I tear up and/or cry. It's absolutely beautiful. In honor of Alfy and seeing Pearl Jam live in concert just this past Thursday, I will leave you with a quote from Eddie Vedder. He said this at Thursday's concert, "[Live] in Grace before you're forced to." I feel as though us, in the loss community, have already been forced to reach this milestone, whether we did before (lived in Grace) or not no longer matters, we are here now.

Capture Your Grief, Day 8: Resources

Day 8: Resources 

Like so many of you, there are many resources for me to share. I took photos from 2 that were very important to me early on but there are many I feel I should mention. 

1. The Nursing staff at Bergan Mercy Hospital

2. The kind soul who helped us pick out a permanent place of rest for our son

3. The many online resources, Faces of Loss Faces of Hope, CarlyMarie, Still Standing Magazine, Sufficient Grace Ministries, Still life with circles and a host of other blogs and sites

4. The Centering Corporation dedicated solely to grief

5. Hannah Mirmiran-I have no idea where I would be in my grief journey without her. She has been a confidant, a source of strength and has taught me to be kind to myself. She is the single greatest resource I have found in my grief journey and I am forever grateful I found her.

Capture Your Grief, Day 5: Journal, Day 6: Books

Note: I didn't realize this didn't publish on Sunday, when I originally wrote it. Technology...

Today, day 5 and day 6, are being written together. I took a glorious nap yesterday when I had planned to blog. It was much needed and well with it:) Thus, two days combined into one. 

Day 5: Journal

I didn't have the energy to write or journal yesterday as suggested. Instead, here is a picture of the journal that I wrote in quite frequently after Alfy died. I haven't gone back and read any of it yet, one day I will, at a time when I need to feel the raw emotion of his death again.

Day 6: Book(s)

I couldn't choose just one book or even one type of book. So I am including all books that have held significance for me in some form since Alfy's death. 

First up, The Hunger Games. I read one book each day one week (whole trilogy in 3 days). It was the first time I remember escaping from the deep sadness and emptiness I was feeling during the fresh grief. 

Next up, Wherever You Are My Love Will Find You, by Nancy Tillman. I bought this for Alfy a few months after he died. I took it to the cemetery and read it to him, lots.

Next came Celebrating Pregnancy Again by none other than Francesca Cox. A friend gave this to me shortly after finding out I was pregnant. I read this shortly after finding out I was pregnant with Alfy's brother, Vinny. 

Finally, Someone Came Before You, by Pat Schwiebert. I received this from a friend about one month before Vinny was due. It was the one of the most amazing and thoughtful gift I've ever received.

Capture Your Grief, Day 7: Sacred Place

Day 7: Sacred Place 

The cemetery is where I feel closest to Alfy. He is in a beautiful part of the cemetery underneath a huge tree and on a large hill with few others around. I can go there and sit for what feels like hours. When my grief becomes overwhelming I can go to the cemetery and it brings a peace to my whole body, mind and soul.

When we had Alfy's brother, Vinny, the cemetery was the first place we went after leaving the hospital. (It's actually just down the street from where I delivered both boys.) We did a family picture there. Each month, the cemetery is where we would do Vinny's "I'm one month older" pic. 

It's a beautiful place full of lots of love. 

Photo taken from the road after a large branch had fallen near Alfy's grave. 

Tony and I will one day make our final resting places about where that large branch is, right next to Alfy. 

Capture Your Grief, Day 4: Now

Really not doing a good job keeping up, maybe tomorrow? :)

I had a hard time picking a picture to show today. I finally decided on the one below. It is me with Alfy's little brother, Vinny. It is one in a serious of silly selfies we took one afternoon just for fun. I wasn't sure I would ever be able to be silly again after losing Alfy, but I am. I am a lot of things, silly, happy, sad, worn, content but always in complete. I am a very different person now and I have come to appreciate and be at peace with the new me. It's true what they say, you don't really know the true joys of love until you have felt the greatest depths of sorrow.

This picture also shows me after having chopped a good 8 inches of my hair. For the longest time after having Alfy, I couldn't bare to change me, including cutting my hair. Now, I have donate a ponytail, twice. I know it's probably a weird thing to be attached to, but it was the hair that was with me when Alfy was with me. 

Anyways, here is to who I am now. 

Capture You Grief, Day 3: Before

So I'm a bit late in this post, only by 10 hours and I'm still doing it. 

Day 3 we have been asked to find. Picture that represents us before I loss. I chose a picture that occurred before I became pregnant with Alfy. It shows a me that was carefree and happy. There were no major worries and my soul had not yet been ripped apart. It was a a naive time that I have no desire to go back to. But I wouldn't change who I was at that time either. All of the experiences and who I once was have shaped who I am today. 

More on that in Day 4's post. 

 

Capture Your Grief, Day 2: Heart

Day 2 is heart. I chose to display the heart necklace I've worn almost everyday since receiving, exactly one week after we had found out Alfy had died, six days after giving birth to him. I imagine it's our two hearts forever fused together. One half of the heart was once rose gold coated, but the gold is gone now, just like Alfy. 

I still have a recording of Alfy's heartbeat from our 20 week ultrasound. I still haven't been able to listen to it. 

One day. 

Capture Your Grief, Day 1: Sunrise

I have done a very poor job of posting here this year. Time and life go by so fast I often feel as if I'm caught in a whirlwind. I am determined to change that this month.  

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. For the past 3 years Carly Marie Dudley has put together an amazing project called "Capture Your Grief."  I participated the first year, took a break last year as I adjusted to being a mom to a living child. 

Link to the page. (Was going to be fancy and do a hyperlink but can't figure it out on the blogger app.)

http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/2014/09/capture-your-grief-2014.html

This year I'm back and relishing the experience once again. So, with any luck and a little bit of work, there will be a post here every day. 

Day 1: Sunrise

It was raining during the "official" sunrise time. This was taken about 30 minutes later. The sun breaking through the clouds, much like joy and happiness breaking through our fears and sadness each day. 

Peace and love to you all on Earth and in the Heavens. 

Head Over Heels in Love

Wow, I can't believe how long it's been since I've been here.  I was going to write one post a week, what did that last, 2 weeks?

A lot has happened since I was here last.  Vinny, our second little man, will be 1 in a couple of weeks.  I can hardly believe it.  Watching him grow and discover and learn and love over the past (almost) year has been truly incredible.  He has developed the most interesting and unique personality.  I love watching him.  Every week, every day it's like he discovers something new.  It's amazing and awe-inspiring.  Can you tell how in love with him I am? :)

I hope that my love would have been this strong for any child and I think it would have been, but I don't think I would have recognized or appreciated it the way I do without Alfy.  He's the one that really taught me what unconditional love is and how to not take it for granted.  I hope I can instill that kind of love in Vinny.  I hope he learns to love his brother and family that way (talk about pressure!).  



 

Easter

So much for getting a blog post up every week...oh well.

It's been hard to write again.  I'm raw this month.  My wounds are re-opened, time and time again.  First, the passing of Alfy's birthday two weeks ago.  Now the Easter holiday.  It escapes most people (or at least no one acknowledges if they've made the connection) that Alfy was born on Good Friday.  Tony and I left the hospital on Holy Saturday with empty arms.  We had to buy an outfit to bury our 1 lb. 11 oz, 13 1/4" little man in on Easter Sunday.  Not much for options.  In an ironic twist, if you would dare call it that, we ended up at Babies R Us that year, looking for a preemie outfit that seemed suitable to bury your baby in.  We opted for fleece, foot pajamas.  It seemed the coziest option.  I measured how long a preemie outfit was (on another occasion not long ago).  It measures about the same length Alfy was born at, so I'm guessing it was a bit big on him.  I don't know though, we never got to see him again.  

Easter has left me very raw this year.  Most haven't seen my freshly opened wounds.  I don't know how to share them.  But they are there, and they hurt, so much.

I'm glad Vinny is here with us.  He brings so much joy to the pain.  I wish I could describe it better to others.  It is an incredible feeling.  When they say you never truly feel great joy until you've felt great sorrow, they are right, whoever they are that said that.  The joy is compounded by the sorrow and the sorrow by the joy.  It's so complex, it's like two DNA strands, one side being joy and the other great sorrow, connected by complex acids of life and death.  

This Easter has drained me, this month has drained me.  I don't remember feeling this tired in quite some time, even with a 7 month old at home.  On that note, it's off to bed I go.

Happy Easter.

2nd Birthday

As I type this, it's been two years, 12 hours and 28 minutes since Alfy was born, 11:05am.  I don't know if I shared that in his story, I'm sure I probably did.  

I should be in bed right now, getting rested up for the full week of work to come.  But I can't.  I don't want to let go of the day.  I didn't want it to come and now I don't want it to leave.  

I miss my son.  I wish he were here, with his brother, learning new words, braving the stairs on the deck over and over again, refusing to eat all of his supper, snuggling at night as we read "The Very Hungry Caterpillar" before bed.  Today we would have had cake and ice cream, or maybe cupcakes instead of cake, or better yet maybe just brownies as cake.  

Instead, we had a picnic at the cemetery.  We took Alfy balloons and flowers and had lunch and took pictures.  When I get around to downloading them, maybe I'll share them here.  



Alfy, Happy 2nd Birthday in Heaven.  I miss you and love you.   Mom
 

Bloggin - Week 2

Trying to blog once a week is going to be harder than I thought.  It's not that I don't have anything going on, I'm just not sure that anyone wants to hear about it, cue self-doubt and no confidence (both have been creeping, no, storming, their way back into my life lately).  

I had a friend tell me of her second pregnancy.  It kind of hit me like a bombshell.  She had her first child 5 months after I had Alfy.  I've had my second child, so it's to be expected that others people I know will start having their second, third, fourth, whatever child.  It still catches me off guard and it still seems terribly unfair.  More of the "I'm so excited, we're expecting, how are we gonna announce it to family, friends, on Facebook? Can't wait for the shower! Never crosses my mind something could go wrong" naive outlook I am profoundly jealous of and can stand with any of my being all at the same time. 

Sigh.

Speaking of second children, I haven't written much about Vinny, but I think that will change as I go along.  He had some major milestones the past couple of weeks.  He is now 6 months and 2 weeks old.  Last week he figured out how to hold his bottle on his own (and balance it on his belly at school for efficiency) and last night he rolled over.  I was a little worried rolling was never going to come as he HATES tummy time.  But, I just kept telling myself it's okay, he's working at his own pace, and he was.  He also got his first major ouchie today.  While one of his teachers was getting the bumbo straps out of the way (does a bumbo seriously need straps?) he slid face first off her knee onto the floor.  No major damage, just a bright red, skinned nose to make him look like Rudolph.  He is a wonderful little being.  If you want someone to put a smile on your face, even at 6am (or earlier on rare occasion), he's the guy to do it.  He wakes up chattering and so excited to see you and be awake again, almost every day.  It's incredible.  

Well, it's time to go do a bath, an event that is lots of fun in our house (for real, he loves it!).

Goal for Blogging

We started a blog at my work.  I have volunteered to write for it, although I don't yet know about what.  It's nice because the posts will be spread among many of us.  My colleague who is spear-heading the project made a comment that if you never post on your blog, no one will follow it.  I think that is probably where this blog is at.  I never post, so why would anyone follow it.  

I am going to make a new goal for myself.  For the next two months, I am going to post at least once per week, even if it's about nothing in particular and only contains two or three sentences, or even one. 

But I am going to post.  

I want to make more connections through this and that's not going to happen by it sitting here with no new posts.

Here's my post for this week :)  Off to a good start ;)