Silent night, holy night
All is calm, all is bright
Round yon virgin, Mother and Child.
Holy Infant, so tender and mild,
Sleep in heavenly peace,
Sleep in heavenly peace.
Silent night, holy night.
Shepherds quake at the sight.
Glories stream from heaven afar
Heavenly hosts sing Alleluia,
Christ the Savior is born!
Christ the Savior is born.
Silent night, holy night.
Son of God love's pure light.
Radiant beams from Thy holy face
With dawn of redeeming grace,
Jesus Lord, at Thy birth,
Jesus Lord, at Thy birth.
This has always been my favorite Christmas song and tonight it took on a completely new meaning. I hope my son sleeps in heavenly peace.
Merry Christmas
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Saturday, December 22, 2012
I Can't Imagine
"I can't imagine." To most it sounds like words that should be comforting, right? Wrong.
After many days and weeks of pondering, I no longer find "I can't imagine," an appropriate term. We can imagine, ANYTHING, if we try hard enough. That's what imagination is for. But...there are many things we don't want to imagine. And that is really okay. Who wants to imagine all the horrible things that happen to people, like their child dying.
So, instead of saying, "I can't imagine," maybe for a brief moment try. And then, if it hurts too much, just say, "I don't want to imagine."
After many days and weeks of pondering, I no longer find "I can't imagine," an appropriate term. We can imagine, ANYTHING, if we try hard enough. That's what imagination is for. But...there are many things we don't want to imagine. And that is really okay. Who wants to imagine all the horrible things that happen to people, like their child dying.
So, instead of saying, "I can't imagine," maybe for a brief moment try. And then, if it hurts too much, just say, "I don't want to imagine."
Thursday, December 13, 2012
To Alfy
Dear Alfy,
It's the Holiday Season. I have no idea what it would be like with you here, but I'm sure it would be quite different. I imagine all the ornaments on the Christmas tree would be moved up, well beyond your reach. I doubt the wreaths and garland would be hanging on the banister, so tempting for little hands. There would be TONS of presents under the Christmas tree, waiting to be torn open. I imagine you would probably have more fun with the paper and boxes than the toys themselves. This is how I imagined our Christmas would be early last spring.
It is quite different. The Christmas tree is up and decorated and the wreaths, garland and stockings are hung. Your stocking is in the process of being made, that's why you don't see it over the fireplace yet. There will be one here for you and one at your Grandma Mary Lynn's and Grandpa Big Al's house. Your Grandma also found a small Christmas tree that we're putting at your grave. Grandma Nancy found a small stocking for that tree, so I guess technically you have three stockings now. All of your grandparents, aunts and uncles are sending ornaments for the tree. Aunt Abbey and Uncle Travis sent you a Christmas gift too. I keep thinking I should wait until Christmas morning to put it out, but I may just spoil you and put it out early. If anyone deserves to be spoiled, it's you:)
I'm sure you see Dad and I all the time. I just want you to know that we are doing are best to become better parents, friends, children, people for you. Many days are still very hard and we still have lots of heartache and tears. But, I want, need you to know that I wouldn't trade a second of this life if it meant you weren't in it. I love you so very much and I am so grateful for the time I had with you.
Love you to Heaven and back,
Mom
It's the Holiday Season. I have no idea what it would be like with you here, but I'm sure it would be quite different. I imagine all the ornaments on the Christmas tree would be moved up, well beyond your reach. I doubt the wreaths and garland would be hanging on the banister, so tempting for little hands. There would be TONS of presents under the Christmas tree, waiting to be torn open. I imagine you would probably have more fun with the paper and boxes than the toys themselves. This is how I imagined our Christmas would be early last spring.
It is quite different. The Christmas tree is up and decorated and the wreaths, garland and stockings are hung. Your stocking is in the process of being made, that's why you don't see it over the fireplace yet. There will be one here for you and one at your Grandma Mary Lynn's and Grandpa Big Al's house. Your Grandma also found a small Christmas tree that we're putting at your grave. Grandma Nancy found a small stocking for that tree, so I guess technically you have three stockings now. All of your grandparents, aunts and uncles are sending ornaments for the tree. Aunt Abbey and Uncle Travis sent you a Christmas gift too. I keep thinking I should wait until Christmas morning to put it out, but I may just spoil you and put it out early. If anyone deserves to be spoiled, it's you:)
I'm sure you see Dad and I all the time. I just want you to know that we are doing are best to become better parents, friends, children, people for you. Many days are still very hard and we still have lots of heartache and tears. But, I want, need you to know that I wouldn't trade a second of this life if it meant you weren't in it. I love you so very much and I am so grateful for the time I had with you.
Love you to Heaven and back,
Mom
Thursday, December 6, 2012
St. Nicholas, Patron Saint of Children
Did you know that December 6 is the day of feast for St. Nicholas? St. Nicholas is said to be the patron Saint of children (among many other things). His life and deeds are where the story of Santa Claus originated. I have a dear friend at work, Christopher, who becomes St. Nicholas for another one of our friend's children each year. The story goes that children are to put their shoe on their doorstep on the eve of December 6. If the children have been good, St. Nicholas leaves sweets and gold coins in their shoes, if they have not been good, they might receive something like a branch. In many stories, St. Nicholas also rode a horse on his travels, so many children also leave apples or carrots for his horse.
Christopher, as I said, has been St. Nicholas for our friend's children for many years. They are getting older, as most children do and St. Nicholas will slowly start to lose his magic. Before leaving work today, Christopher handed me Alfy's St. Nicholas gifts. There was an apple and an oragne and some chocolate gold coins and even some Dots for Tony and Starbursts for me. He told me that when I had told him I was expecting, he was excited to have another child to carry on the tradition with. He consider us all part of his family. I consider him part mine. Our children are like nieces and nephews to him. What a wonderful friend to have.
I'm not sure that I can put into words all the feelings that welled up inside of me at that moment. It was a beautiful, painful, wonderous, sad, awe-inspiring moment filled with so much love and joy. I could feel it burning in my chest. I felt like the love and happiness was going to poor out of me at that moment, and it did, in tears. It was also strange to feel so incredibly joyous and so incredibly sad at the same time. That's not quite right...I feel joy and sadness together all the time, anytime Alfy is mentioned or thought of, which is pretty much all the time for me. I think it made such an impact because it was a friend who was willing to share such a personal moment with me. The moment was wonderful.
So, contrary to my post from the other day, today I was full of hope. My friend inspired me and reminded of the good in people. I am so grateful and honored to call him my friend.
I want to thank Christopher (aka St. Nicholas) for inspiring hope.
Also, we've already discussed next year, I will be retrieving some dried horse manure from my parent's house to leave on the sidewalk of our friend's house to add to the authenticity of St. Nicholas and his horse:) Good times, great fun!
Christopher, as I said, has been St. Nicholas for our friend's children for many years. They are getting older, as most children do and St. Nicholas will slowly start to lose his magic. Before leaving work today, Christopher handed me Alfy's St. Nicholas gifts. There was an apple and an oragne and some chocolate gold coins and even some Dots for Tony and Starbursts for me. He told me that when I had told him I was expecting, he was excited to have another child to carry on the tradition with. He consider us all part of his family. I consider him part mine. Our children are like nieces and nephews to him. What a wonderful friend to have.
I'm not sure that I can put into words all the feelings that welled up inside of me at that moment. It was a beautiful, painful, wonderous, sad, awe-inspiring moment filled with so much love and joy. I could feel it burning in my chest. I felt like the love and happiness was going to poor out of me at that moment, and it did, in tears. It was also strange to feel so incredibly joyous and so incredibly sad at the same time. That's not quite right...I feel joy and sadness together all the time, anytime Alfy is mentioned or thought of, which is pretty much all the time for me. I think it made such an impact because it was a friend who was willing to share such a personal moment with me. The moment was wonderful.
So, contrary to my post from the other day, today I was full of hope. My friend inspired me and reminded of the good in people. I am so grateful and honored to call him my friend.
I want to thank Christopher (aka St. Nicholas) for inspiring hope.
Also, we've already discussed next year, I will be retrieving some dried horse manure from my parent's house to leave on the sidewalk of our friend's house to add to the authenticity of St. Nicholas and his horse:) Good times, great fun!
Sunday, December 2, 2012
No Hope Today, Maybe Tomorrow
Today I am riddled with disappointment and sadness and hurt.
I met with a friend yesterday, a friend who had gone markedly absent from my life after I lost Alfy. Our relationship became complicated, she was pregnant. She stopped by the week after Alfy was born and she sent a couple of texts within the first month. Then it all stopped. No phone calls, no texts, no emails, no cards, no friend. Her baby shower was in August, maybe July, I don't remember now. I went. I didn't have the opportunity to talk to her at the shower. I never heard from after the shower, no phone calls, no texts, no emails, no cards, no friend. She had her son in September. I found out through Facebook. In our conversations yesterday she told me, "I forgot to call you while we were in the hospital. We just lost track of time." Her son had to spend the night in the NICU, I'm sure that added to the stress. But, I didn't forget to call her when I was in the hospital.
My conversation with her has brought up the bitterness and anger I still have. There were several, important people missing from life for the past (almost) 8 months. No one knew how to deal with me. I can handle that thought. The part I can't handle, they never seemed to try. I'll reference conversations with two separate "friends" at two separate times. A while back I posted a link to an e-book on Amazon called "When Your Friend's Baby Dies." I thought, maybe that would give someone an idea on how they might be able to help me, since most hadn't given much effort in quite some time. Anyways, in a conversation with friend #1, she told me that she had seen the book on my Facebook page and that she would have to read it (implying she hadn't). This was quite some time after I had posted the link. In a conversation with friend #2 yesterday, she also told me she had seen the link but hadn't read it.
Why the hell would I post that book if I didn't want people to read it?
I feel as though some of the very important people in my life have written me off as too much to deal with. And what's worse, they don't even acknowledge that until I do, for them. Was I this type of friend before? So scared of the hard stuff that I just hid away until I thought it was "safe" and "normal" again? I hope so much that I was not, but fear that I was.
As I look back, I am disappointed in so many people in my life, disappointed in their lack of effort in trying to provide some type of support. I get that it probably was/is hard to know what to do. I mean I don't know what to do many days. But, I try. I try, with all my might, to make it through each day. I know that some days will be easy (which is a relative term) and other days will be excruciatingly hard (like today). But, I try. That is where I am disappointed. They stopped trying, they made no effort. I know of one person who took it upon themself to actually look up how to provide support for someone who has lost a child through stillbirth. No one else has looked.
Is my friendship worth that little?
I try very hard to not let these thoughts overwhelm me. I hope they are not true. Hope is why I have taken the initiative to reach out. I hope that I can one day forgive. I hope that one day I can let go of my anger and disappointment. For now, I hope that I can not let the thoughts overwhelm me.
Today I lost that hope. It overwhelmed me like I don't even know how to explain. It overwhelmed me to the point it caused some tension and unpleasantries between me and Tony. I needed my "moment" of being overwhelmed. I tried to share it with him, but I fear it only caused him anger and frustration. We haven't addressed it.
I know there were lots of other people who were there to support me/us. I know there are people who did put in the effort. I know that and I do not forget that. I am more grateful for those people than they will ever know. Now, here is me feeling sorry for myself again, they weren't the ones I thought would be there and wanted to be there. Those people I do not know how to continue with.
But, I will try. I will hope.
(I will also be angry and bitter and all of the the other hard things, but tomorrow, I hope it doesn't overwhelm me.)
I met with a friend yesterday, a friend who had gone markedly absent from my life after I lost Alfy. Our relationship became complicated, she was pregnant. She stopped by the week after Alfy was born and she sent a couple of texts within the first month. Then it all stopped. No phone calls, no texts, no emails, no cards, no friend. Her baby shower was in August, maybe July, I don't remember now. I went. I didn't have the opportunity to talk to her at the shower. I never heard from after the shower, no phone calls, no texts, no emails, no cards, no friend. She had her son in September. I found out through Facebook. In our conversations yesterday she told me, "I forgot to call you while we were in the hospital. We just lost track of time." Her son had to spend the night in the NICU, I'm sure that added to the stress. But, I didn't forget to call her when I was in the hospital.
My conversation with her has brought up the bitterness and anger I still have. There were several, important people missing from life for the past (almost) 8 months. No one knew how to deal with me. I can handle that thought. The part I can't handle, they never seemed to try. I'll reference conversations with two separate "friends" at two separate times. A while back I posted a link to an e-book on Amazon called "When Your Friend's Baby Dies." I thought, maybe that would give someone an idea on how they might be able to help me, since most hadn't given much effort in quite some time. Anyways, in a conversation with friend #1, she told me that she had seen the book on my Facebook page and that she would have to read it (implying she hadn't). This was quite some time after I had posted the link. In a conversation with friend #2 yesterday, she also told me she had seen the link but hadn't read it.
Why the hell would I post that book if I didn't want people to read it?
I feel as though some of the very important people in my life have written me off as too much to deal with. And what's worse, they don't even acknowledge that until I do, for them. Was I this type of friend before? So scared of the hard stuff that I just hid away until I thought it was "safe" and "normal" again? I hope so much that I was not, but fear that I was.
As I look back, I am disappointed in so many people in my life, disappointed in their lack of effort in trying to provide some type of support. I get that it probably was/is hard to know what to do. I mean I don't know what to do many days. But, I try. I try, with all my might, to make it through each day. I know that some days will be easy (which is a relative term) and other days will be excruciatingly hard (like today). But, I try. That is where I am disappointed. They stopped trying, they made no effort. I know of one person who took it upon themself to actually look up how to provide support for someone who has lost a child through stillbirth. No one else has looked.
Is my friendship worth that little?
I try very hard to not let these thoughts overwhelm me. I hope they are not true. Hope is why I have taken the initiative to reach out. I hope that I can one day forgive. I hope that one day I can let go of my anger and disappointment. For now, I hope that I can not let the thoughts overwhelm me.
Today I lost that hope. It overwhelmed me like I don't even know how to explain. It overwhelmed me to the point it caused some tension and unpleasantries between me and Tony. I needed my "moment" of being overwhelmed. I tried to share it with him, but I fear it only caused him anger and frustration. We haven't addressed it.
I know there were lots of other people who were there to support me/us. I know there are people who did put in the effort. I know that and I do not forget that. I am more grateful for those people than they will ever know. Now, here is me feeling sorry for myself again, they weren't the ones I thought would be there and wanted to be there. Those people I do not know how to continue with.
But, I will try. I will hope.
(I will also be angry and bitter and all of the the other hard things, but tomorrow, I hope it doesn't overwhelm me.)
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