Today I am riddled with disappointment and sadness and hurt.
I met with a friend yesterday, a friend who had gone markedly absent from my life after I lost Alfy. Our relationship became complicated, she was pregnant. She stopped by the week after Alfy was born and she sent a couple of texts within the first month. Then it all stopped. No phone calls, no texts, no emails, no cards, no friend. Her baby shower was in August, maybe July, I don't remember now. I went. I didn't have the opportunity to talk to her at the shower. I never heard from after the shower, no phone calls, no texts, no emails, no cards, no friend. She had her son in September. I found out through Facebook. In our conversations yesterday she told me, "I forgot to call you while we were in the hospital. We just lost track of time." Her son had to spend the night in the NICU, I'm sure that added to the stress. But, I didn't forget to call her when I was in the hospital.
My conversation with her has brought up the bitterness and anger I still have. There were several, important people missing from life for the past (almost) 8 months. No one knew how to deal with me. I can handle that thought. The part I can't handle, they never seemed to try. I'll reference conversations with two separate "friends" at two separate times. A while back I posted a link to an e-book on Amazon called "When Your Friend's Baby Dies." I thought, maybe that would give someone an idea on how they might be able to help me, since most hadn't given much effort in quite some time. Anyways, in a conversation with friend #1, she told me that she had seen the book on my Facebook page and that she would have to read it (implying she hadn't). This was quite some time after I had posted the link. In a conversation with friend #2 yesterday, she also told me she had seen the link but hadn't read it.
Why the hell would I post that book if I didn't want people to read it?
I feel as though some of the very important people in my life have written me off as too much to deal with. And what's worse, they don't even acknowledge that until I do, for them. Was I this type of friend before? So scared of the hard stuff that I just hid away until I thought it was "safe" and "normal" again? I hope so much that I was not, but fear that I was.
As I look back, I am disappointed in so many people in my life, disappointed in their lack of effort in trying to provide some type of support. I get that it probably was/is hard to know what to do. I mean I don't know what to do many days. But, I try. I try, with all my might, to make it through each day. I know that some days will be easy (which is a relative term) and other days will be excruciatingly hard (like today). But, I try. That is where I am disappointed. They stopped trying, they made no effort. I know of one person who took it upon themself to actually look up how to provide support for someone who has lost a child through stillbirth. No one else has looked.
Is my friendship worth that little?
I try very hard to not let these thoughts overwhelm me. I hope they are not true. Hope is why I have taken the initiative to reach out. I hope that I can one day forgive. I hope that one day I can let go of my anger and disappointment. For now, I hope that I can not let the thoughts overwhelm me.
Today I lost that hope. It overwhelmed me like I don't even know how to explain. It overwhelmed me to the point it caused some tension and unpleasantries between me and Tony. I needed my "moment" of being overwhelmed. I tried to share it with him, but I fear it only caused him anger and frustration. We haven't addressed it.
I know there were lots of other people who were there to support me/us. I know there are people who did put in the effort. I know that and I do not forget that. I am more grateful for those people than they will ever know. Now, here is me feeling sorry for myself again, they weren't the ones I thought would be there and wanted to be there. Those people I do not know how to continue with.
But, I will try. I will hope.
(I will also be angry and bitter and all of the the other hard things, but tomorrow, I hope it doesn't overwhelm me.)
No comments:
Post a Comment