As I should probably always intro my posts, it's been far too long since I've been here. I feel as though I've been hanging on by a thread for the past two months. My job has become mass chaos as I've trained new staff and am working to bring on another one. I'm essentially trying to pull off the job responsibilities of three people and barely getting by.
Personal life is just as chaotic, although my personal chaos is so much more enjoyable because I get to choose the chaos. We are working on home projects, I'm taking class, again and I have a wonderful soon-to-be two year old running around and repeating words left and right. If only I had more time to choose the at home chaos. I keep thinking, next week at work will be slower, next week I will catch up and inevitably I fall farther and farther behind. I type this all as I plan to be out of the office one day this week and one day next week because I refuse to sacrifice all of my time at home or for myself or my family. I think I owe my family more, but I'm hoping that will come, next week.
In my previous post (back in what, June?) I mentioned that I was taking on a new venture with Count the Kicks. Well, let me tell you what, has that venture reached out and created a life of its own. I was fortunate enough to be put into contact with a woman who runs a program in the Douglas County Health Department (DCHD) called the Baby Blossoms Collaborative (BBC). The BBC is a county collaborative aimed at improving fetal and maternal health in Douglas County by working with various agencies and the Fetal Infant Mortality Review, case review team (FIMR CRT). Stillbirth was finally identified as a hot topic for Douglas County as close to 50% of stillbirths in Douglas County are happening at 28 weeks or later.
Since my initial meeting with BBC and the Hot Topics committee, I've presented Count the Kicks at the FIMR CRT meeting, discussed information at the BBC quarterly meeting, hosted a booth at the March of Dimes prematurity summit, worked with the DCHD Collaborative Intake staff for visiting nurse associations to give out information, will be presenting to an insurance group that is currently conducting research in central Nebraska on the impact of targeting high risk mothers (high risk as in alcohol dependency, drug dependency, etc.) with specific information relating to their pregnancy and will hopefully be at the Nebraska Perinatal Quality Improvement Collaborative (NPQIC) later in the month.
The response to Count the Kicks has been absolutely overwhelming in such a positive way. There are so many different faces in the healthcare world that see CTK as a benefit to mothers, a way to empower them to take control of their own health and their baby's. For me, it says, "You're baby mattered, Alfy mattered." I know the response I'm receiving in my state is not necessarily the norm and that other CTK ambassadors have faced great challenges in their attempts to move the program forward for mothers in their own states. I feel so thankful that my own state and county (kind of) has embraced this program with such open arms.
We are continuing to work from both a top-down and bottom-up approach to get the information out to everyone, at least in beginning sectors with the hopes of having a large unveiling of the program in Douglas County in the near future. Speaking of, I need to make sure that I keep the ball rolling so an email after this to the DCHD is in order.
In the meantime, I have a little guy at home who will turn 2 on Sunday. I can hardly believe I have a living, breathing child that is almost 2 who runs around the house all day with his train yelling "choo choo" or refers to the cat as the "meow" or the dog as the "wuf wuf" or has a stuffed monkey named "Ah Ha" or tells me to "walk away" when I'm invading his personal space. Seriously, where does the time go?
Lately I've been feeling crazy feelings of guilt that I don't document his life better. I suck at pictures, I'll be honest, I don't keep a daily journal (hell I can't even blog monthly) and I don't take many videos because I'm usually too lost in the moment. After the moment has passed, I fear it will be the last one or that I'll never remember it again exactly as it was, or at all and all his wonderfulness at that very moment will be lost forever. I know that probably sounds absurd to most thinking there will always be other moments, but sometimes there isn't. And what if that happened, again? And I didn't have a record of the wonderful moments that were here. But, how do I experience, I mean really experience, those wonderful moments if I'm not fully immerse myself in them? If I don't, I feel as if I'm being a half-assed parent, for lack of a better term. That is my daily struggle right now.
I know my struggle stems from losing Alfy and all that I wish I would have done differently, all that I wish I would have documented. One that hurts more than others, I wish I would have had professional photography done by Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. I have some pictures of Alfy, but I can't remember what his little feet looked like or what the top of his head looked like. Did he have hair? That is a question I can't bring my mind, my own memories, to answer. And it hurts my heart every day.
Ah, the struggles of being a baby loss mom while also parenting a living child.
