I have a hard weekend coming up. My sister's bachelorette party and wedding shower are next weekend. I'm the maid of honor. I haven't planned either of those events. She has some great friends that are putting them together for her. At this point, I'm not even sure that I'm going to go to the bachelorette party. My family lives a good 6 hours away, so once I am there, I am there.
I had a conversation with someone yesterday who has traditionally been a huge part of my life. The conversation started out good enough, but took a turn for the worse when we started talking about this weekend. Apparently one of my sister's friends is pregnant. I know she had been trying for a while. I have no idea how far along she is. I didn't ask. Anyways, she has to give herself shots in her stomach and take aspirin every day. I took aspirin every day when I was pregnant with Alfy. If I have a future pregnancy, shots will be part of my daily routine. A blood clot may have been the cause for Alfy's death, but we don't really know that for sure. Truth be told, we really do not have any idea what caused our son to die. We have theories, but no solid answer.
So, back to my venting. My sister's friend has to do the shots daily routine. The person I was speaking with told me that they didn't tell my sister's friend about the possible reason why Alfy died, they didn't want to scare the poor thing to death. I didn't know what to say to that, how to respond, so I didn't. I just sat there and the conversation eventually moved on to other things.
Talk about a hit below the belt. It wasn't intentional but it still hurt. When I'm hit like that, I don't respond right away. I still haven't figured out how to. It takes me so long to process things now that I really can't respond right away. I just know it hurts and I shut down and it starts to work its way through. It's almost like another loss in and of it's own. I go through all of the stages, denial-anger-bargaining-depression-acceptance, only in the matter of a few days or weeks.
So, why not say something to my sister's friend? Doesn't she deserve to know what can happen? Everything can be fine and your child can still be stillborn. I wish someone would have told me that it could happen. I still wouldn't have expected it, but at least I would have acknowledged it. Is her comfort and well being more important than mine? That's what the comment felt like. It's like someone telling you, "I'm okay with you and what you are, but we don't want you to tell anyone else or bring it up with anyone else." Really, to me that says you are ashamed of me, that you aren't ready to deal with the reality of what it is that I have gone through and who I am. I know that was not the intent, but that is what came across.
Now I am the mother of a child who died, known in the blog world as a Baby Loss Mom (BLM). Yes, my son, Alfy, died. It can happen, your child can die. It's not fair and it shouldn't happen, but it does.
Until people start to accept that, I would really like to just ignore the rest of the world. I would only like to be around those I know I can trust to think through their words before they come out of their mouth. I'm sure many people think I am being overly sensitive, but to hell with them. I get to be sensitive to those comments. I just wish I was better about speaking up about it. Unfortunately, I won't become better at speaking up if I'm not around them. And it's just not possible right now to not be around people who don't think about their words. I guess there are always going to be those people. I just hope some of those people change.
I know I'm not perfect and I'm sure I've said some incredibly hurtful comments without realizing it. But, I'm acutely aware of my words now. I suppose that is why it takes me so long to respond.
For everyone else, It's okay to take time to think about your words. It's okay for there to be silence. Sometimes silence beats the alternative.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Church is Hard
I took a stumble today. Actually, I'm not sure that stumble is the appropriate term. I don't think it honors my emotions as it should. My grief and hurt are still very close to my surface, sometimes I forget how closer. It usually occurs in places where it might seem strange to others, like today as others were preparing for Communion at church.
Tony is Catholic and I grew up going to a Presbyterian church, when we did go. Since having Alfy, Tony and I have been searching for our church home. We have done quite a bit of church hopping, as we call it. We have tried Presbyterian, Lutheran, Methodist and several Catholic churches. So far, I have found myself looking forward to the Homely's each week at the Catholic church. We have been to several in our area, and across town, to see if we can find one that feels right to us.
Today we went to St. Robert's. I was encouraged when we got there. The ushers were especially welcoming and friendly. We chose a spot in the back as we usually do. We haven't been able to sit through a full mass, so we always try to provide ourselves with an escape route if we need it.
I went this morning with full hopes that we would make it through the entire mass. We hadn't been to church three weekends in a row and I was looking forward to the message I might hear. The Deacon, or Priest, not sure which one was speaking, talked about how so many people are angry at God these days. I am one of those people. How could He let my son die? Why would He take him from me? I don't know where else to direct my anger, so for now it goes towards God. He said that God will serve as our shepherd and will lead us through, or that's how I heard it. I could use some shepherding right now.
So, as I said earlier, my tears started to fall before Communion. Earlier in the mass I saw a friend of Tony's. He was carrying a carseat. He and his wife had a little boy 2 or 3 weeks before I had Alfy. As everyone was getting up for Communion, I saw their family. They were about 10 rows or so up from us. I saw their newest addition. I've never met him or seen him for that matter (maybe on FB but I've blocked their updates). At the moment, my anger and grief rose towards the surface and the tears started to come. I was able to control them while I drove home. Tony gave me a hug and that was it, the tears started flowing and I made no effort to stop them. I confessed my anger at God.
These days are hard. Other Baby Loss Moms state that it gets easier. I wonder when that happens.
Tony is Catholic and I grew up going to a Presbyterian church, when we did go. Since having Alfy, Tony and I have been searching for our church home. We have done quite a bit of church hopping, as we call it. We have tried Presbyterian, Lutheran, Methodist and several Catholic churches. So far, I have found myself looking forward to the Homely's each week at the Catholic church. We have been to several in our area, and across town, to see if we can find one that feels right to us.
Today we went to St. Robert's. I was encouraged when we got there. The ushers were especially welcoming and friendly. We chose a spot in the back as we usually do. We haven't been able to sit through a full mass, so we always try to provide ourselves with an escape route if we need it.
I went this morning with full hopes that we would make it through the entire mass. We hadn't been to church three weekends in a row and I was looking forward to the message I might hear. The Deacon, or Priest, not sure which one was speaking, talked about how so many people are angry at God these days. I am one of those people. How could He let my son die? Why would He take him from me? I don't know where else to direct my anger, so for now it goes towards God. He said that God will serve as our shepherd and will lead us through, or that's how I heard it. I could use some shepherding right now.
So, as I said earlier, my tears started to fall before Communion. Earlier in the mass I saw a friend of Tony's. He was carrying a carseat. He and his wife had a little boy 2 or 3 weeks before I had Alfy. As everyone was getting up for Communion, I saw their family. They were about 10 rows or so up from us. I saw their newest addition. I've never met him or seen him for that matter (maybe on FB but I've blocked their updates). At the moment, my anger and grief rose towards the surface and the tears started to come. I was able to control them while I drove home. Tony gave me a hug and that was it, the tears started flowing and I made no effort to stop them. I confessed my anger at God.
These days are hard. Other Baby Loss Moms state that it gets easier. I wonder when that happens.
Unloading the Wreckage of My Trainwrecks
I have been coming out of a numbness this past week. I'm not sure if the numbness I felt after I had Alfy ever really left. I don't remember much of April or May or even part of June for that matter. I think the stress of being back at work threw me back into a state of being numb again. This past week is the first week I actually felt "present" at work. At times it was good to feel a part of something again and feel as if I was helping someone. At other times, it was almost more than I could bare. "Was" as if it has ended, describing it the present tense would be more appropriate.
I have woken up in other aspects of my life too. I had what I now coin as a "trainwreck" this past Tuesday. I was on Facebook (which is a trainwreck in an of itself) and saw a comment on a picture that a dear friend, one of my best friends Linz, only had 8 weeks left in her pregnancy. When I told her I was pregnant way back in December, she told me that her and her husband were starting to try as well. At the end of January, Tony and I went to dinner with her and her husband and she announced she was pregnant. How exciting, we were going to be pregnant together! Anyways, it struck me that she was now farther along than I had been when Alfy was born. She was at 32 weeks, I had Alfy at 28 weeks. Well, that got me to thinking about baby showers. It was about that time for showers to start. I began to wonder if a baby shower had happened for Linz. I know her sister-in-law had talked about holding one (at one point I had offered to help if needed). So I got online and looked to see if Linz had a Target registry. Yep, there it was. There had not been much bought when I looked so I assumed the shower hadn't happened but was going to soon. From there, I began to think about all of the babies I know of that have been/will be born in 2012 (23 at last count, 24 including Alfy). Tony and I have many good friends and family that have had or will be having babies this year. I wondered if there I was something I could do for the friends closest to us and for some reason the "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep" prayer popped into my head. Well, that led to another search on the internet. The first webpage that pulled up was the page for Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep photography page. I looked at some of their portraits. They were beautiful. We did not have portraits done of Alfy. At that moment, and still, I wished so badly that we had decided to do the portraits. What a wonderful addition that would have been to the picture wall in our living room. What a wonderful way to honor our son. But, alas, we did not have them done. When the nurses asked me if wanted them, it seemed so strange at the time, I don't know why. I wish it hadn't though and I wish I had those pictures. All of this occurred in the span of about 30 minutes at my computer at work. I was a wreck by this point, tears starting to fall. I was frozen. The office was nearly empty at that point, no one to turn to, no safe place I could think of to go. Our summer camp supervisors are constantly in and out of the office during the day. I had to drive on a field trip in approximately 45 minutes. If the tears went into a free-fall, I'm not sure that I could have stopped them without help, so they came intermittently.
That was my trainwreck, a barrage of uncontrollable thoughts, that you don't see until the last minute, but you're already traveling so fast toward them you can't find the brakes. And in the end, you know they are going to cause more damage than what you know what do with at the moment, but there is nothing you can do to stop it.
I know there will be more trainwrecks, I've had some smaller ones since then. They are the worst part of coming back to life, losing the numbness. The emotions are so strong that I feel almost physically sick with grief.
I received the invitation to Linz's baby shower on Thursday. It was blue and grey. I assume that she is having a boy. She found out at 20 weeks, but that was right after Alfy was born still. I haven't been able to ask her. There was a part of me hoping she was having a girl so I wouldn't have to think of another friend taking home her little boy. It hurts so much to think about that, I'm truly envious. It brings up so many emotions that I'm not comfortable with. I'm not sure yet if I will go to the shower. I don't know if I have the strength.
I've also been thinking about my friend, Stacey. She had twin boys exactly 4 weeks before Alfy was born. They were both born healthy and went home a few days after being born to join their soon-to-be 3 year old brother. Stacey sent Tony a text this week asking if she could call him. She texted me about day to day stuff for a few weeks after Alfy was born. I sent her an email and told her I wasn't sure how to be with her at that time. I was angry and the situation that I had been placed in, she got two little boys to bring home to another one she already had. I had to bury my little boy. I suppose there is still some anger. It's never been at her or her boys, they are family to us. I'm just angry with the situation. It's not fair. Stacey told Tony she knows she was trying very hard to reach me, but she wanted to try too hard rather than not try at all. I am grateful for that.
She posted a pictures of one of her twins on Facebook today. That led me to look at all of the pictures of the twins. I haven't seen them since they were three weeks old, on April 1, 5 days before Alfy was born. I found myself feeling extremely guilty. I haven't looked through our pictures of Alfy the nurses took.
I mentioned earlier that I knew of 23 babies being born this year. If it wasn't for that stupid Facebook, there is a good chance I wouldn't know about at least 5 of them for a while, even a few ever. But no, everyone has to plaster their pages with info on their newborns or how their pregnancy is going. I think I have it all blocked and another pops out of the wood works. I can also think of 5 babies that were born between October and December of 2011, a total of 28 babies between October 2011 and October 2012, 28 other healthy, pregnant women. Seriously?
Facebook seems to be the underlying theme of all of my trainwrecks so far. Maybe I should delete my account. I've sworn it off for a while, the longest that has lasted has been two weeks. About that time I start feeling strong again, thinking I can handle whatever the Newsfeed throws at me. Never fails to knock me on my ass. I have never been one to post much on Facebook and I'm fairly certain I will not turn into that person. It's incredible the damage one sentence or picture can cause. It brings joy for 99% of the people viewing it, but there is that 1%, me, that it hurts. I hope I always remember that as time passes and my grief leaves the surface of my existence. I hope I always remember the mom or dad out there that may have lost their child.
Whew, that was a lot to unload. I have a lot more but think I am done for the evening. Thanks for not trying to explain, justify or reason all of these feelings. Thanks for just listening.
I have woken up in other aspects of my life too. I had what I now coin as a "trainwreck" this past Tuesday. I was on Facebook (which is a trainwreck in an of itself) and saw a comment on a picture that a dear friend, one of my best friends Linz, only had 8 weeks left in her pregnancy. When I told her I was pregnant way back in December, she told me that her and her husband were starting to try as well. At the end of January, Tony and I went to dinner with her and her husband and she announced she was pregnant. How exciting, we were going to be pregnant together! Anyways, it struck me that she was now farther along than I had been when Alfy was born. She was at 32 weeks, I had Alfy at 28 weeks. Well, that got me to thinking about baby showers. It was about that time for showers to start. I began to wonder if a baby shower had happened for Linz. I know her sister-in-law had talked about holding one (at one point I had offered to help if needed). So I got online and looked to see if Linz had a Target registry. Yep, there it was. There had not been much bought when I looked so I assumed the shower hadn't happened but was going to soon. From there, I began to think about all of the babies I know of that have been/will be born in 2012 (23 at last count, 24 including Alfy). Tony and I have many good friends and family that have had or will be having babies this year. I wondered if there I was something I could do for the friends closest to us and for some reason the "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep" prayer popped into my head. Well, that led to another search on the internet. The first webpage that pulled up was the page for Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep photography page. I looked at some of their portraits. They were beautiful. We did not have portraits done of Alfy. At that moment, and still, I wished so badly that we had decided to do the portraits. What a wonderful addition that would have been to the picture wall in our living room. What a wonderful way to honor our son. But, alas, we did not have them done. When the nurses asked me if wanted them, it seemed so strange at the time, I don't know why. I wish it hadn't though and I wish I had those pictures. All of this occurred in the span of about 30 minutes at my computer at work. I was a wreck by this point, tears starting to fall. I was frozen. The office was nearly empty at that point, no one to turn to, no safe place I could think of to go. Our summer camp supervisors are constantly in and out of the office during the day. I had to drive on a field trip in approximately 45 minutes. If the tears went into a free-fall, I'm not sure that I could have stopped them without help, so they came intermittently.
That was my trainwreck, a barrage of uncontrollable thoughts, that you don't see until the last minute, but you're already traveling so fast toward them you can't find the brakes. And in the end, you know they are going to cause more damage than what you know what do with at the moment, but there is nothing you can do to stop it.
I know there will be more trainwrecks, I've had some smaller ones since then. They are the worst part of coming back to life, losing the numbness. The emotions are so strong that I feel almost physically sick with grief.
I received the invitation to Linz's baby shower on Thursday. It was blue and grey. I assume that she is having a boy. She found out at 20 weeks, but that was right after Alfy was born still. I haven't been able to ask her. There was a part of me hoping she was having a girl so I wouldn't have to think of another friend taking home her little boy. It hurts so much to think about that, I'm truly envious. It brings up so many emotions that I'm not comfortable with. I'm not sure yet if I will go to the shower. I don't know if I have the strength.
I've also been thinking about my friend, Stacey. She had twin boys exactly 4 weeks before Alfy was born. They were both born healthy and went home a few days after being born to join their soon-to-be 3 year old brother. Stacey sent Tony a text this week asking if she could call him. She texted me about day to day stuff for a few weeks after Alfy was born. I sent her an email and told her I wasn't sure how to be with her at that time. I was angry and the situation that I had been placed in, she got two little boys to bring home to another one she already had. I had to bury my little boy. I suppose there is still some anger. It's never been at her or her boys, they are family to us. I'm just angry with the situation. It's not fair. Stacey told Tony she knows she was trying very hard to reach me, but she wanted to try too hard rather than not try at all. I am grateful for that.
She posted a pictures of one of her twins on Facebook today. That led me to look at all of the pictures of the twins. I haven't seen them since they were three weeks old, on April 1, 5 days before Alfy was born. I found myself feeling extremely guilty. I haven't looked through our pictures of Alfy the nurses took.
I mentioned earlier that I knew of 23 babies being born this year. If it wasn't for that stupid Facebook, there is a good chance I wouldn't know about at least 5 of them for a while, even a few ever. But no, everyone has to plaster their pages with info on their newborns or how their pregnancy is going. I think I have it all blocked and another pops out of the wood works. I can also think of 5 babies that were born between October and December of 2011, a total of 28 babies between October 2011 and October 2012, 28 other healthy, pregnant women. Seriously?
Facebook seems to be the underlying theme of all of my trainwrecks so far. Maybe I should delete my account. I've sworn it off for a while, the longest that has lasted has been two weeks. About that time I start feeling strong again, thinking I can handle whatever the Newsfeed throws at me. Never fails to knock me on my ass. I have never been one to post much on Facebook and I'm fairly certain I will not turn into that person. It's incredible the damage one sentence or picture can cause. It brings joy for 99% of the people viewing it, but there is that 1%, me, that it hurts. I hope I always remember that as time passes and my grief leaves the surface of my existence. I hope I always remember the mom or dad out there that may have lost their child.
Whew, that was a lot to unload. I have a lot more but think I am done for the evening. Thanks for not trying to explain, justify or reason all of these feelings. Thanks for just listening.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
A Prayer
My husband sent me this prayer today. I think it is both challenging and beautiful.
Disturb us, Lord, when
We are too pleased with ourselves,
When our dreams have come true
Because we dreamed too little,
When we arrived safely
Because we sailed too close to the shore.
We are too pleased with ourselves,
When our dreams have come true
Because we dreamed too little,
When we arrived safely
Because we sailed too close to the shore.
Disturb us, Lord, when
with the abundance of things we possess
We have lost our thirst
For the waters of life;
Having fallen in love with life,
We have ceased to dream of eternity
And in our efforts to build a new earth,
We have allowed our vision
Of the new Heaven to dim.
with the abundance of things we possess
We have lost our thirst
For the waters of life;
Having fallen in love with life,
We have ceased to dream of eternity
And in our efforts to build a new earth,
We have allowed our vision
Of the new Heaven to dim.
Disturb us, Lord, to dare more boldly,
To venture on wilder seas
Where storms will show Your mastery;
Where losing sight of land,
We shall find the stars.
We ask you to push back
The horizons of our hopes;
And to push back the future
In strength, courage, hope, and love.
This we ask in the name of our Captain,
Who is Jesus Christ.
by Sir Francis Drake
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
My Four-Legged Family Members
It's almost the 4th of July. Fireworks are going off like crazy in our neighborhood. Our dog is sitting underneath my legs. She is so scared of them. I wish I could do more to comfort her. Tonight we will not be going on our nightly walk. The walks are a nice habit Tony and I have formed. They aren't long, but they get us off the couch, away from the TV and they are great for Desda (our dog). Tonight I am missing our walk. I doubt we'll make it tomorrow evening either, maybe I'll take her in the morning instead.
Our cat, Piper, on the other hand, is not phased by the symphony of booms outside. She has given Desda several looks of disdain. I'm sure she is wondering why Desda is acting like such a wuss and doing her kitty best to prove her superiority.
I'm writing pet stories cause I don't have any kid stories at this point. I had planned to have my own child to be telling new mom stories about right by now, sleepless nights, diapers, crying, spit-up, smiles, all the stuff new moms talk about. Truth be told, I probably wouldn't even be on here if Alfy was here. So for now, I will probably occasionally tell stories about my pets. I consider them part of my family and love them dearly. They have never judged me or questioned my thoughts. They bring a smile to my face when I least expect it.
Last night Tony and I were talking about our living room. His parents have offered to give us one of their recliners, which we would love, but currently can't fit it in any rooms. Tony came up with an idea, we move our love seat to the basement room, the futon in the basement up to the spare room and take the crib down. It makes me sad to think about that, Tony too. I cried during the whole conversation. When we finished, Desda jumped up on the couch, sat next to me and licked the tears off my face. Normally, I don't allow any dog to lick my face, but she was just so concerned and wanted nothing more than to cheer me up a little. She succeeded.
Piper has been chattier than ever and works her magic in the mornings. I think she misses the days of when I was home with her. She chats at me every morning while I'm brushing my teeth, before my shower, getting ready for work. As soon as the water comes on though she's out the door. When I'm finished, she's right back in the bathroom. Our door doesn't shut all the way without some force and Piper pushes it open when she hears me turn the shower off. I can hear it every morning and for just a moment my heart stops because I'm paranoid someone has broken into our house and is going to get me in the shower (I've watched too many horror movies). But she always announces her arrival and peaks her head around the shower curtain to make sure I'm still in there. The shower is an emotional place for me sometimes so I enjoy the company when I'm done.
I love my pets.
 |
| Desda - Relaxing on the couch with her pillow |
Our cat, Piper, on the other hand, is not phased by the symphony of booms outside. She has given Desda several looks of disdain. I'm sure she is wondering why Desda is acting like such a wuss and doing her kitty best to prove her superiority.
 |
| Piper - Removing a tag for me |
I'm writing pet stories cause I don't have any kid stories at this point. I had planned to have my own child to be telling new mom stories about right by now, sleepless nights, diapers, crying, spit-up, smiles, all the stuff new moms talk about. Truth be told, I probably wouldn't even be on here if Alfy was here. So for now, I will probably occasionally tell stories about my pets. I consider them part of my family and love them dearly. They have never judged me or questioned my thoughts. They bring a smile to my face when I least expect it.
Last night Tony and I were talking about our living room. His parents have offered to give us one of their recliners, which we would love, but currently can't fit it in any rooms. Tony came up with an idea, we move our love seat to the basement room, the futon in the basement up to the spare room and take the crib down. It makes me sad to think about that, Tony too. I cried during the whole conversation. When we finished, Desda jumped up on the couch, sat next to me and licked the tears off my face. Normally, I don't allow any dog to lick my face, but she was just so concerned and wanted nothing more than to cheer me up a little. She succeeded.
Piper has been chattier than ever and works her magic in the mornings. I think she misses the days of when I was home with her. She chats at me every morning while I'm brushing my teeth, before my shower, getting ready for work. As soon as the water comes on though she's out the door. When I'm finished, she's right back in the bathroom. Our door doesn't shut all the way without some force and Piper pushes it open when she hears me turn the shower off. I can hear it every morning and for just a moment my heart stops because I'm paranoid someone has broken into our house and is going to get me in the shower (I've watched too many horror movies). But she always announces her arrival and peaks her head around the shower curtain to make sure I'm still in there. The shower is an emotional place for me sometimes so I enjoy the company when I'm done.
I love my pets.
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