I have a hard weekend coming up. My sister's bachelorette party and wedding shower are next weekend. I'm the maid of honor. I haven't planned either of those events. She has some great friends that are putting them together for her. At this point, I'm not even sure that I'm going to go to the bachelorette party. My family lives a good 6 hours away, so once I am there, I am there.
I had a conversation with someone yesterday who has traditionally been a huge part of my life. The conversation started out good enough, but took a turn for the worse when we started talking about this weekend. Apparently one of my sister's friends is pregnant. I know she had been trying for a while. I have no idea how far along she is. I didn't ask. Anyways, she has to give herself shots in her stomach and take aspirin every day. I took aspirin every day when I was pregnant with Alfy. If I have a future pregnancy, shots will be part of my daily routine. A blood clot may have been the cause for Alfy's death, but we don't really know that for sure. Truth be told, we really do not have any idea what caused our son to die. We have theories, but no solid answer.
So, back to my venting. My sister's friend has to do the shots daily routine. The person I was speaking with told me that they didn't tell my sister's friend about the possible reason why Alfy died, they didn't want to scare the poor thing to death. I didn't know what to say to that, how to respond, so I didn't. I just sat there and the conversation eventually moved on to other things.
Talk about a hit below the belt. It wasn't intentional but it still hurt. When I'm hit like that, I don't respond right away. I still haven't figured out how to. It takes me so long to process things now that I really can't respond right away. I just know it hurts and I shut down and it starts to work its way through. It's almost like another loss in and of it's own. I go through all of the stages, denial-anger-bargaining-depression-acceptance, only in the matter of a few days or weeks.
So, why not say something to my sister's friend? Doesn't she deserve to know what can happen? Everything can be fine and your child can still be stillborn. I wish someone would have told me that it could happen. I still wouldn't have expected it, but at least I would have acknowledged it. Is her comfort and well being more important than mine? That's what the comment felt like. It's like someone telling you, "I'm okay with you and what you are, but we don't want you to tell anyone else or bring it up with anyone else." Really, to me that says you are ashamed of me, that you aren't ready to deal with the reality of what it is that I have gone through and who I am. I know that was not the intent, but that is what came across.
Now I am the mother of a child who died, known in the blog world as a Baby Loss Mom (BLM). Yes, my son, Alfy, died. It can happen, your child can die. It's not fair and it shouldn't happen, but it does.
Until people start to accept that, I would really like to just ignore the rest of the world. I would only like to be around those I know I can trust to think through their words before they come out of their mouth. I'm sure many people think I am being overly sensitive, but to hell with them. I get to be sensitive to those comments. I just wish I was better about speaking up about it. Unfortunately, I won't become better at speaking up if I'm not around them. And it's just not possible right now to not be around people who don't think about their words. I guess there are always going to be those people. I just hope some of those people change.
I know I'm not perfect and I'm sure I've said some incredibly hurtful comments without realizing it. But, I'm acutely aware of my words now. I suppose that is why it takes me so long to respond.
For everyone else, It's okay to take time to think about your words. It's okay for there to be silence. Sometimes silence beats the alternative.
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