Today I went to a baby shower. I can't believe it, but I did. My dear friend Linz will be having a baby boy in about a month. I had received her invitation a few weeks ago. Her sister-in-laws threw the shower for her. I emailed one of them, Julie, and told her I wasn't sure if I would be able to make it. She was so gracious in her response to me. I imagine she is a wonderful sister-in-law to have. I sent an email to Linz too. I explained that I wasn't sure if I was going to be there for her or not. As I call them now, it was going to be a game-day decision. That's how I make most big decisions these days. Anyways, Linz responded to my email. It was very touching. I think it helped me to make the decision to attend. I love my friend very much and I wanted her to know that I support her.
I hadn't spoken with Linz since April 12. She brought me a basket full of things we used to love in college and some books, one of them being my favorite. Linz came over and sat with me for the afternoon. I think it was probably close to four hours. She texted me once since then, asking if Tony and I wanted to go to a baseball game back in May. I turned down the offer. I wasn't ready to face any part of the outside world at that point. I saw her a couple of Sundays ago at the Weezer concert. Tony picked out Linz's husband in the crowd. We watched him head back to his seat and I saw her. We didn't go up to them. It was not a time or place I could handle. I think I cried during every other song at the concert.
My friend has grown so much since I've seen her last. Or should I say her little boy has grown so much? The emotions I feel when I see her are almost more than I can bare. I am happy for her and I think it's wonderful she is going to be a mom. She's going to be quite good at it. But it hurts too. I didn't get to be that big or have a baby shower. At times I am ashamed of it, but I will admit that I am jealous of her.
The loss of Alfy has created a void in my life, really a few of them. I am without my son. I will never again hold him, hug him or kiss him. I will never hear his laugh, see him smile, watch him grow or even see his beautiful brown eyes. That is the first and most evident void. But there is another one that you don't hear about. But, I guess who would I hear it from? It is a lonely void. Most of my good friends (and tons of acquaintances and people I knew from some part of my life or another) have had successful pregnancies, even the ones who seemed like circumstances weren't in their favor. It creates a distance that I have not been able to close, with any of them.
I have been trying to slowly work on it. I think that is why I went to the shower today. It's hard and frustrating and exhausting. I read somewhere, or maybe was told, about a hard time Baby Loss Moms (and couples) reach around three months. The cards and flowers stop coming, the phone calls or texts of support stop coming. I am experiencing that now. It's been four months and five days. I have been there for a while, but I am just now starting to face it, trying to fight through it.
I find myself constantly asking the questions, Why should I have to reach out to others? Why does it seem our friends give up so easily? Why does it seem they forget that we still need support? Why does it seem like we are forgotten? Why have they left me floundering? Rationally I know none of those questions are true. But grief is anything but rational. I know that my friends are trying to respect me, my space, my feelings. I need them to push a little harder right now. But how do you tell them that? I respect that they think it will be "hard and scary" for them, but I don't believe they have any idea what "hard and scary" really is.
Sometimes I wish one of them would just show up, unannounced, not give me the opportunity to say no, say "I want to hear it all, right now. I want to cry with you. I want to know what your days are like. I want to recognize that you are a mom. I want to help you honor your son, Alfy. And there's now way out until we do that." But, I don't think that will happen unless I do it. I struggle with the thought that many of my friends may not want to hear my story because they are pregnant or have babies close to Alfy's age. I guess I just need a little push.
By the way, the baby count for 2012 is up to 32. Stupid Facebook.
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