Today I have discovered that in addition to "Trainwrecks" I am now having fits of what I would compare to "Road Rage." The sadness is still very close to the surface, but now anger lies close. Sometimes it can be all consuming, irrational and dangerous, just like road rage. It is directed toward those who probably don't deserve it, to those that don't realize that they are somehow hindering someone else's path to where they are trying to go. And once the fury sets in, look out. Now, I haven't actually taken my fury out on anyone or yelled at anyone or said mean and nasty things to anyone, but the thoughts run through my head. Why in the world do I have to work so damn hard at a time when I am so vulnerable? Why can't people stop being afraid of me, of Tony? Why in the hell should I have to be the one to reach out to others? Why does life have to been so flippin' hard? Why me? Why us? It's not fair. It sucks. It's horrible. It's awful. It makes me so angry sometimes I just want to scream and punch something. I hope Tony's parents still have the punching bag in their garage, what a pleasant surprise that would be.
Today I am unable to find any peace in my loss, only sadness and anger, mostly anger.
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