I have been coming out of a numbness this past week. I'm not sure if the numbness I felt after I had Alfy ever really left. I don't remember much of April or May or even part of June for that matter. I think the stress of being back at work threw me back into a state of being numb again. This past week is the first week I actually felt "present" at work. At times it was good to feel a part of something again and feel as if I was helping someone. At other times, it was almost more than I could bare. "Was" as if it has ended, describing it the present tense would be more appropriate.
I have woken up in other aspects of my life too. I had what I now coin as a "trainwreck" this past Tuesday. I was on Facebook (which is a trainwreck in an of itself) and saw a comment on a picture that a dear friend, one of my best friends Linz, only had 8 weeks left in her pregnancy. When I told her I was pregnant way back in December, she told me that her and her husband were starting to try as well. At the end of January, Tony and I went to dinner with her and her husband and she announced she was pregnant. How exciting, we were going to be pregnant together! Anyways, it struck me that she was now farther along than I had been when Alfy was born. She was at 32 weeks, I had Alfy at 28 weeks. Well, that got me to thinking about baby showers. It was about that time for showers to start. I began to wonder if a baby shower had happened for Linz. I know her sister-in-law had talked about holding one (at one point I had offered to help if needed). So I got online and looked to see if Linz had a Target registry. Yep, there it was. There had not been much bought when I looked so I assumed the shower hadn't happened but was going to soon. From there, I began to think about all of the babies I know of that have been/will be born in 2012 (23 at last count, 24 including Alfy). Tony and I have many good friends and family that have had or will be having babies this year. I wondered if there I was something I could do for the friends closest to us and for some reason the "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep" prayer popped into my head. Well, that led to another search on the internet. The first webpage that pulled up was the page for Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep photography page. I looked at some of their portraits. They were beautiful. We did not have portraits done of Alfy. At that moment, and still, I wished so badly that we had decided to do the portraits. What a wonderful addition that would have been to the picture wall in our living room. What a wonderful way to honor our son. But, alas, we did not have them done. When the nurses asked me if wanted them, it seemed so strange at the time, I don't know why. I wish it hadn't though and I wish I had those pictures. All of this occurred in the span of about 30 minutes at my computer at work. I was a wreck by this point, tears starting to fall. I was frozen. The office was nearly empty at that point, no one to turn to, no safe place I could think of to go. Our summer camp supervisors are constantly in and out of the office during the day. I had to drive on a field trip in approximately 45 minutes. If the tears went into a free-fall, I'm not sure that I could have stopped them without help, so they came intermittently.
That was my trainwreck, a barrage of uncontrollable thoughts, that you don't see until the last minute, but you're already traveling so fast toward them you can't find the brakes. And in the end, you know they are going to cause more damage than what you know what do with at the moment, but there is nothing you can do to stop it.
I know there will be more trainwrecks, I've had some smaller ones since then. They are the worst part of coming back to life, losing the numbness. The emotions are so strong that I feel almost physically sick with grief.
I received the invitation to Linz's baby shower on Thursday. It was blue and grey. I assume that she is having a boy. She found out at 20 weeks, but that was right after Alfy was born still. I haven't been able to ask her. There was a part of me hoping she was having a girl so I wouldn't have to think of another friend taking home her little boy. It hurts so much to think about that, I'm truly envious. It brings up so many emotions that I'm not comfortable with. I'm not sure yet if I will go to the shower. I don't know if I have the strength.
I've also been thinking about my friend, Stacey. She had twin boys exactly 4 weeks before Alfy was born. They were both born healthy and went home a few days after being born to join their soon-to-be 3 year old brother. Stacey sent Tony a text this week asking if she could call him. She texted me about day to day stuff for a few weeks after Alfy was born. I sent her an email and told her I wasn't sure how to be with her at that time. I was angry and the situation that I had been placed in, she got two little boys to bring home to another one she already had. I had to bury my little boy. I suppose there is still some anger. It's never been at her or her boys, they are family to us. I'm just angry with the situation. It's not fair. Stacey told Tony she knows she was trying very hard to reach me, but she wanted to try too hard rather than not try at all. I am grateful for that.
She posted a pictures of one of her twins on Facebook today. That led me to look at all of the pictures of the twins. I haven't seen them since they were three weeks old, on April 1, 5 days before Alfy was born. I found myself feeling extremely guilty. I haven't looked through our pictures of Alfy the nurses took.
I mentioned earlier that I knew of 23 babies being born this year. If it wasn't for that stupid Facebook, there is a good chance I wouldn't know about at least 5 of them for a while, even a few ever. But no, everyone has to plaster their pages with info on their newborns or how their pregnancy is going. I think I have it all blocked and another pops out of the wood works. I can also think of 5 babies that were born between October and December of 2011, a total of 28 babies between October 2011 and October 2012, 28 other healthy, pregnant women. Seriously?
Facebook seems to be the underlying theme of all of my trainwrecks so far. Maybe I should delete my account. I've sworn it off for a while, the longest that has lasted has been two weeks. About that time I start feeling strong again, thinking I can handle whatever the Newsfeed throws at me. Never fails to knock me on my ass. I have never been one to post much on Facebook and I'm fairly certain I will not turn into that person. It's incredible the damage one sentence or picture can cause. It brings joy for 99% of the people viewing it, but there is that 1%, me, that it hurts. I hope I always remember that as time passes and my grief leaves the surface of my existence. I hope I always remember the mom or dad out there that may have lost their child.
Whew, that was a lot to unload. I have a lot more but think I am done for the evening. Thanks for not trying to explain, justify or reason all of these feelings. Thanks for just listening.
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