**Post was written Thursday, June 30, just a little late posting it.
Initially, I was mostly in shock. Tony and I had had a brief conversation about kids in the future, but I don't think either one of us thought now was the time. But, as I'm so acutely aware, planning rarely ever goes, well, as planned. So I made an appointment for a week later and we had our first ultrasound. I was a bit off on the estimate of how far a long I might be based on my period, because I hadn't been keeping track. At the first scan I thought it would be close to 8 weeks, but it was closer to 6 weeks.
The week prior, in doing some blood tests, my pregnancy hormone was not rising at quite a normal rate and my progesterone measured a bit on the low side. After the ultrasound, I started Lovenox right away and extra Folic Acid. My OB didn't prescribe extra progesterone, but when I inquired about (on a day she was out) one of the partners did. However, after looking at the side effects (increase risk of blood clots) I figured that was why my OB hadn't prescribed it, so I didn't take it. Nor did I call to inquire about it with my OB. It's a decision I now find myself questioning. Did I miscarry because I didn't take the progesterone supplement? My OB assures me that was not the case and that recent studies have shown that progesterone supplements don't really make a difference. I know my OB is incredibly intelligent and keeps on research so I'm sure she is right, but I still doubt myself.
Anyways, the first ultrasound showed everything developing normally and we heard a strong heartbeat already, a sound that is like music to my ears. It was decided that I didn't need to come in for another two weeks when I would be closer to what was probably really 8 weeks or so.
During those two weeks, I fell in love, with my child and with our new future. Yes, had pregnancy thrown a wrench in some of my plans, both immediate and long term, sure. I would have to postpone doing a Child Life practicum, I was going to visit wine country about 5 months pregnant, be about 6 months pregnant in the next wedding I was in, have to consider postponing ideas about going to Vegas with one of my dear friends for our 35th birthdays, but that was okay.
I started focusing, we started focusing, on other things. Tony needed a vehicle that would fit two car seats, the current one would only fit Vinny's, barely. We just bought a queen mattress to put in the other bedroom upstairs. Were we going to save it or sell it to make room for baby's room? How were we going to tell our parents? This weekend, with a new vehicle. "Why did you get a new vehicle? Didn't you just get one?" "Yes, we did but we need more room, surprise! Literally!"
Walking into the doctor's appointment on Monday, again, the last thing on my mind was that anything would be wrong. I had no cramping, no spotting, no indicators that baby was anything but okay. We sat in a patient room waiting for an ultrasound room to open up and talked about how we were going to tell Vinny. We knew we had to wait until we were ready for people to know because he repeats everything and loves to talk about his life, our life, everything going on (most of the time), with people he is comfortable with, a quality I love about him.
We went to the ultrasound room (room 11) this time to do the ultrasound. It was with a specialist I had never seen before. At first she started with measurements and asked if I was 10 weeks and I told her no, I thought we were closer to 8 weeks and that I had been off to begin with. She said everything was measuring normal for 8 weeks. She briefly turned on the sound and I didn't hear the heartbeat. I think I knew at that point, but was desperately hoping otherwise. She kept taking pictures and looking with different views (color, etc.). Two more times she quickly turned off the sound. I told her, "There is no heartbeat is there." It wasn't really a question but more of a statement. She told me she was not sure and wanted to wait for my OB. I already knew. She should have done the pictures last, not while Tony and I was there in agony (something I'll mention to to my OB at my next appointment because at this point, I'm more than willing to share my thoughts).
My OB came in and confirmed the worst. How could this be happening again? How could I be told there is no heartbeat again? We knew it was a small possibility with the lower level of progesterone, but the same thing had happened with Vinny and we made it through. I really thought we would again. Was I ever wrong. It had happened fairly recently too, based on baby's measurement, maybe even that day.
I miscarried on June 27, 2016. Through most of my pregnancy with Alfy I thought his due date was June 29, but the doctors had been going on the date of June 27 and considered that his official due date. My two dead children connected by June 27.
After a few day or two to think, I opted to have a D&C performed. There is a small chance through a chromosome study they might be able to tell us the gender. We weren't quite far enough along for enough of baby's DNA to be measured in my blood (which they can do now, who knew). If there is any remaining tissue, we can have it sent to a funeral home and have it cremated. I'm not sure which I want more, I would love both, but given my luck and current circumstances, that seems like I'm asking for the world, so I'll prepare myself for the worst, no gender and no cremation.
The D&C was today at Methodist Women's Hospital. I had never been treated at the hospital before. Everyone was quite nice and provided their proper condolences, "I'm so sorry you have to be here for this." I wonder if all of the nurses thought I was crazy, I don't think I shed a single tear at the hospital. Every time they would same something about how grief can affect you or talked about some of the resources, I would always answer, "I know or I've done this before." One of the nurses seemed quite gruff at first, kind of a bitch. But I had her after I got out of recovery and grew fond of her in a short amount of time. It was her birthday and she was hoping to get off early to celebrate and was worried about not having a shift the next day to overcrowding. I would have thought I would think those were stupid things to be worried about, but it was nice to have some conversation with her. When she walked me out, another woman in labor walked in. She apologized as she said she normally tries to avoid that, but it couldn't have been helped. She gave me a very sincere hug as I was leaving too, which meant so much to me. I hope she got off early to celebrate her birthday.
Last night, we told Vinny. First we asked him if he remembers who lives in Heaven. He did, first Piper (our cat) and big brother Alfy. We then told him that mommy had a baby in her belly that went to Heaven to be with Alfy, another brother or sister, but we weren't sure which. He kept asking what we call it. For now we just decided on Baby V. He said Baby V is in Heaven, yes, Baby V is in Heaven.
There is so much that is the same, but so much that is different. A lot of women I know don't talk about their miscarriages, or recognize them in ways that signifies that they had another child. I'm sure for many it's about coping. But for me, I can't do that. I can't pretend I didn't have another child that was growing with me. It's hard, though, because women in my family, who I'm close to, don't talk about their miscarriages. I want to break that norm, maybe they won't accept it, but I hope others will. I hadn't told many people I was pregnant yet, but had been planning to do so after the appointment on Monday. I mean, really why 12 weeks? I think it's a farce, I mean really. As I've found out, my children can die at any time during pregnancy. But, I guess I'll keep my end of the bargain and still tell people.
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