Confused Grief?

I read an article today, another blog post written for Still Standing Magazine, called the "The Secret Competition in the Baby Loss Club." It helped me understand a bit more what's going on with my own grief and in my own heart currently.

I feel as though my miscarriage (my Anna) and my stillbirth (my Alfy) need to be compared to each other, like a competition. Which one was worse.  Is one more deserving of my grief than the other? Why am I physically and emotionally unable to grieve the same way for both? 

It's infuriating because I don't have an answer, at least not one my heart has been able to accept. I know, logically, that it is okay to grieve however is needed for both. But my heart is confused because it feels less this time. 

I HATE THAT.

I heard Anna's heartbeat, but I never held her, she wasn't birthed from my body in the same way as Alfy. I've just not felt the same connection in my grief. 

AND I HATE THAT.

I feel that I'm not giving as much of me to Anna as I did Alfy, as if somewhere in my twisted logic she isn't deserving of it. But she is. I just don't know how to express it this time around. It's just not the same.

HATE THAT.

Honestly, I almost would have preferred that Anna survived longer and resulted in another stillbirth versus a miscarriage. I would have had more time to connect and I know how to do stillbirth grief already. I'm not sure that it would have been easier, but it would have been familiar.

I HATE THAT TOO.

Who wishes for another stillbirth? I mean really? No one. 

Grief is so confusing at the moment, as if it's not there at times. I hope it is, just hidden under the surface waiting for the right moment to appear. 

That is what Anna deserves from her mother.