I spoke with my doctor yesterday. She had gotten the results back from the genetic testing.
I was very surprised to find out that they were able to determine the gender of the baby. The doctors found two X chromosomes, we were going to have a girl, we had a baby girl.
It's been so hard to figure out grief and the celebration of life this time around (as if it weren't the last time). I feel most of society doesn't even consider the collections of cells that are my baby at 8 weeks, an actual baby, just a pregnancy. Some abstract term that makes it easier to bare if it dies. I think I even fall into those traps at times.
But no, I had a baby, even if only for a mere 8 weeks past conception.
Her name is Anna June.
For me, for Tony, Vinny and Alfy, there is another baby. Alfy now has a sister in Heaven and Vinny has two siblings in Heaven, a brother, Alfy, and a sister, Anna.
I am at odds on how to begin to incorporate her into our world. I'm not even sure if there is enough of her to cremate after sending her off to figure out who she is. And if there is, Tony is insistent on finding a final resting place for her. I understand the desire, but if we bury her at Alfy's plot, there is nothing to signify that she is there too, other than some disturbed grass. At least in an urn, it's a physical piece that says she was and is here, part of our family. Either way, I'm sure we will find something that works, but it looks so very different.
I didn't give birth this time around either, which makes me question if June 27 can even be considered a birthday. I could have waited, and had a miscarriage at home, which is the equivalent of giving birth, just very early in pregnancy. But had I done that, I would not know Anna was a she, just a collection of cells that formed the early beginnings of our baby.
Instead, I opted for a D&E, I suppose the equivalent of an early c-section? I don't know. It's all different.
With Alfy, I consider April 6 his birthday and that is when I celebrate his birth. But with Anna, she would have been due the beginning of February and that is when I feel I will celebrate her, but how to do you incorporate that onto a marker in the cemetery? I have no idea. I don't know anyone who has done it.
There is just so much, new uncharted territory. I hate that we are experiencing this again and that it's so different. I never want my children to die, but I understand stillbirth more than I do miscarriage at this point. I suppose that is changing.
I am open to ideas and suggestions from those that have been here as well.
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