Happy Birthday Alfy

Alfy's 4th birthday was last week and this post is coming a little late. I realize I've wrote less in the past year than I ever have since having him. I'm not taking the time and there seems to be so little of it.

Last week was much different than previous years. There was not much anxiety leading up to his birthday and I took the day off, as I always will if I'm able. I was almost feeling guilt for thinking I didn't feel sad enough. I didn't cry much and just hung out at home. Maybe I was distracting myself with the mundane? Not sure.

Either way, I can't believe it's been 4 years. It just does not seem possible that it's been 4 years since he entered the world already gone. I think of all the things that have happened in the past 4 years and am somewhat amazed I have survived it. But here I am.

I did a baby fair a little over a week ago for Count the Kicks. I suppose that was my way of celebrating Alfy's birthday without him, try to save a few more babies and mothers, fathers and families from heartache. I recently got some good news about CTK, the Nebraska Perinatal Quality Improvement Collaborative is looking to introduce CTK to all the providers they work and provide the materials to the providers free of charge. I suppose that is a big step considering almost all birthing hospitals in the state work with NPQIC.

Vinny after haircut #2, can't really tell! Alfy's grave at Easter.

Vinny is thriving and doing amazing. He is such a fun kiddo to be a parent to. He inquisitive and silly and loving. At night he tells you, "Sweep Dreams, Mommy" and when you tell him don't let the bed bugs bite, he says, "Okay!" 

We have some moments, going to school lately has been a bit challenging and he has a few fits here and there, but they don't last long and are usually not too dramatic. 

And, he finally seems to have stopped eating things like dog food and cat food. Whew! Overall, he's a joy to parent. My biggest concern at the moment is that I'm able to help him understand who Alfy is, his big brother who died, but also not let Alfy overshadow Vinny and let him be his own little being. I don't want know what's it like to balance the needs and personalities of two living children, but it sure is tough to do with one dead and one living child.

As always, here's to hoping I find more time to write this year about all the things I love and maybe some of things I don't love so much.