Year in Review

I can't believe it's been over a year since I've written here. So much has happened, I mean so much. The last time I was here I was revealing the death of my daughter, Anna. Today, I have mostly positive things to share, not in great detail today, but a brief synopsis.

In December of 2016, Tony and I found out we were expecting again. I am happy to say that we welcomed our fourth child, Michael Anthony, to the world on July 25. My pregnancy with him was much different than all of the others in so many ways, but more on that in a future post.

After nearly 8 years at my former job, I left in January to complete an internship in Child Life. I enjoyed my previous job, but I was looking for something a bit more, something more fulfilling for my soul. I have found that working in Child Life, and not to brag, but it comes to me pretty naturally. I passed my certification test a week ago and am excited to be a Certified Child Life Specialist (CCLS). I'm actually going to apply for my first job this week!

Count the Kicks is doing amazing in our state. The Nebraska Perinatal Quality Improvement Collaborative is providing all materials to Nebraska providers for free and is also assisting us in pushing the information out. During the past three baby fairs/conferences that Count the Kicks has participated in, I've continued to hear an increase in the number of women and providers who are familiar with the program. Now to make sure it is being used!

On a sad note, our beloved dog, Desda, died after 15 wonderful years of being Tony's, and eventually my, furry family member. It was not an easy choice to make, but one that we felt was best for her. Vinny misses her and I often call our new dog by her name. We have made a new pup a part of our family, Gia. We think she is at least part australian shepherd, although she was listed as a sheltie sheepdog, of which I am not convinced. She arrived three weeks prior to Michael, so it's a bit crazy around here, but we love her.

Those are the major updates for now. I plan to find some time to delve a bit deeper into them in future posts.  

My plan is to visit here more than once a year...we'll see how that goes!

Confused Grief?

I read an article today, another blog post written for Still Standing Magazine, called the "The Secret Competition in the Baby Loss Club." It helped me understand a bit more what's going on with my own grief and in my own heart currently.

I feel as though my miscarriage (my Anna) and my stillbirth (my Alfy) need to be compared to each other, like a competition. Which one was worse.  Is one more deserving of my grief than the other? Why am I physically and emotionally unable to grieve the same way for both? 

It's infuriating because I don't have an answer, at least not one my heart has been able to accept. I know, logically, that it is okay to grieve however is needed for both. But my heart is confused because it feels less this time. 

I HATE THAT.

I heard Anna's heartbeat, but I never held her, she wasn't birthed from my body in the same way as Alfy. I've just not felt the same connection in my grief. 

AND I HATE THAT.

I feel that I'm not giving as much of me to Anna as I did Alfy, as if somewhere in my twisted logic she isn't deserving of it. But she is. I just don't know how to express it this time around. It's just not the same.

HATE THAT.

Honestly, I almost would have preferred that Anna survived longer and resulted in another stillbirth versus a miscarriage. I would have had more time to connect and I know how to do stillbirth grief already. I'm not sure that it would have been easier, but it would have been familiar.

I HATE THAT TOO.

Who wishes for another stillbirth? I mean really? No one. 

Grief is so confusing at the moment, as if it's not there at times. I hope it is, just hidden under the surface waiting for the right moment to appear. 

That is what Anna deserves from her mother.

Extraordinary Connections of My Children

**Written on Monday, June 18**

Yesterday on the way home from church, we passed a cemetery. Vinny saw it and said, "There's Alfy." It wasn't actually Alfy's cemetery which I sort of explained to him but it didn't really matter. He will forever associate cemeteries with his brother, Alfy (and our cat Piper, who he also mentioned:). 

He then proceeded to ask about Baby Vinny, who is Baby V, who is now Anna June. We told Vinny that Baby Vinny was a girl and that she is Heaven too. He insists on calling her Baby Vinny, which is fine. But, what really opened my heart was his words after we tried to explain her name.

"Baby Vinny (Anna June), she loves me." 

Pointing at me with a huge smile on his face, "She loves you too!"

Do children have a connection to our dead loved ones that we do not? I've read about it, (like the book 'Heaven is for Real') and have even thought Vinny might dream of Alfy at times when he wakes up talking about him, but had not experienced it in such a profound way before. It's as if Vinny has already talked to her in his dreams or in some world that I, as an adult, cannot let go enough to enter. 

I hope he is connected that way. I hope he knows his siblings at a level that is beyond me. 

Our Newest Family Member - Anna June

**Written last Friday, July 15 - Apparently I have commitment fears/issues with publishing info about right away these days.**

I spoke with my doctor yesterday. She had gotten the results back from the genetic testing. 

I was very surprised to find out that they were able to determine the gender of the baby. The doctors found two X chromosomes, we were going to have a girl, we had a baby girl. 

It's been so hard to figure out grief and the celebration of life this time around (as if it weren't the last time). I feel most of society doesn't even consider the collections of cells that are my baby at 8 weeks, an actual baby, just a pregnancy. Some abstract term that makes it easier to bare if it dies. I think I even fall into those traps at times. 

But no, I had a baby, even if only for a mere 8 weeks past conception.

Her name is Anna June.

For me, for Tony, Vinny and Alfy, there is another baby. Alfy now has a sister in Heaven and Vinny has two siblings in Heaven, a brother, Alfy, and a sister, Anna.

I am at odds on how to begin to incorporate her into our world. I'm not even sure if there is enough of her to cremate after sending her off to figure out who she is. And if there is, Tony is insistent on finding a final resting place for her. I understand the desire, but if we bury her at Alfy's plot, there is nothing to signify that she is there too, other than some disturbed grass. At least in an urn, it's a physical piece that says she was and is here, part of our family. Either way, I'm sure we will find something that works, but it looks so very different.

I didn't give birth this time around either, which makes me question if June 27 can even be considered a birthday. I could have waited, and had a miscarriage at home, which is the equivalent of giving birth, just very early in pregnancy. But had I done that, I would not know Anna was a she, just a collection of cells that formed the early beginnings of our baby.

Instead, I opted for a D&E, I suppose the equivalent of an early c-section? I don't know. It's all different.

With Alfy, I consider April 6 his birthday and that is when I celebrate his birth. But with Anna, she would have been due the beginning of February and that is when I feel I will celebrate her, but how to do you incorporate that onto a marker in the cemetery? I have no idea. I don't know anyone who has done it.

There is just so much, new uncharted territory. I hate that we are experiencing this again and that it's so different. I never want my children to die, but I understand stillbirth more than I do miscarriage at this point. I suppose that is changing. 

I am open to ideas and suggestions from those that have been here as well.

Riding Waves of Grief Again

**Post was written Thursday, June 30, just a little late posting it.

Nearly 4 weeks ago, I found out I was pregnant. I was a bit surprised to say the least. I knew it was a remote possibility with my birth control and I had missed some pills so I was waiting for a cycle to occur to start over. Well, apparently that is all it took for me, the missing of a few pills and you know.

Initially, I was mostly in shock. Tony and I had had a brief conversation about kids in the future, but I don't think either one of us thought now was the time. But, as I'm so acutely aware, planning rarely ever goes, well, as planned. So I made an appointment for a week later and we had our first ultrasound. I was a bit off on the estimate of how far a long I might be based on my period, because I hadn't been keeping track. At the first scan I thought it would be close to 8 weeks, but it was closer to 6 weeks.

The week prior, in doing some blood tests, my pregnancy hormone was not rising at quite a normal rate and my progesterone measured a bit on the low side. After the ultrasound, I started Lovenox right away and extra Folic Acid. My OB didn't prescribe extra progesterone, but when I inquired about (on a day she was out) one of the partners did. However, after looking at the side effects (increase risk of blood clots) I figured that was why my OB hadn't prescribed it, so I didn't take it. Nor did I call to inquire about it with my OB. It's a decision I now find myself questioning. Did I miscarry because I didn't take the progesterone supplement? My OB assures me that was not the case and that recent studies have shown that progesterone supplements don't really make a difference. I know my OB is incredibly intelligent and keeps on research so I'm sure she is right, but I still doubt myself. 

Anyways, the first ultrasound showed everything developing normally and we heard a strong heartbeat already, a sound that is like music to my ears. It was decided that I didn't need to come in for another two weeks when I would be closer to what was probably really 8 weeks or so.

During those two weeks, I fell in love, with my child and with our new future. Yes, had pregnancy thrown a wrench in some of my plans, both immediate and long term, sure. I would have to postpone doing a Child Life practicum, I was going to visit wine country about 5 months pregnant, be about 6 months pregnant in the next wedding I was in, have to consider postponing ideas about going to Vegas with one of my dear friends for our 35th birthdays, but that was okay. 

I started focusing, we started focusing, on other things. Tony needed a vehicle that would fit two car seats, the current one would only fit Vinny's, barely. We just bought a queen mattress to put in the other bedroom upstairs. Were we going to save it or sell it to make room for baby's room? How were we going to tell our parents? This weekend, with a new vehicle. "Why did you get a new vehicle? Didn't you just get one?" "Yes, we did but we need more room, surprise! Literally!"

Walking into the doctor's appointment on Monday, again, the last thing on my mind was that anything would be wrong. I had no cramping, no spotting, no indicators that baby was anything but okay. We sat in a patient room waiting for an ultrasound room to open up and talked about how we were going to tell Vinny. We knew we had to wait until we were ready for people to know because he repeats everything and loves to talk about his life, our life, everything going on (most of the time), with people he is comfortable with, a quality I love about him.

We went to the ultrasound room (room 11) this time to do the ultrasound. It was with a specialist I had never seen before. At first she started with measurements and asked if I was 10 weeks and I told her no, I thought we were closer to 8 weeks and that I had been off to begin with. She said everything was measuring normal for 8 weeks. She briefly turned on the sound and I didn't hear the heartbeat. I think I knew at that point, but was desperately hoping otherwise. She kept taking pictures and looking with different views (color, etc.). Two more times she quickly turned off the sound. I told her, "There is no heartbeat is there." It wasn't really a question but more of a statement. She told me she was not sure and wanted to wait for my OB. I already knew. She should have done the pictures last, not while Tony and I was there in agony (something I'll mention to to my OB at my next appointment because at this point, I'm more than willing to share my thoughts).

My OB came in and confirmed the worst. How could this be happening again? How could I be told there is no heartbeat again? We knew it was a small possibility with the lower level of progesterone, but the same thing had happened with Vinny and we made it through. I really thought we would again. Was I ever wrong. It had happened fairly recently too, based on baby's measurement, maybe even that day.

I miscarried on June 27, 2016. Through most of my pregnancy with Alfy I thought his due date was June 29, but the doctors had been going on the date of June 27 and considered that his official due date. My two dead children connected by June 27.

After a few day or two to think, I opted to have a D&C performed. There is a small chance through a chromosome study they might be able to tell us the gender. We weren't quite far enough along for enough of baby's DNA to be measured in my blood (which they can do now, who knew). If there is any remaining tissue, we can have it sent to a funeral home and have it cremated. I'm not sure which I want more, I would love both, but given my luck and current circumstances, that seems like I'm asking for the world, so I'll prepare myself for the worst, no gender and no cremation.

The D&C was today at Methodist Women's Hospital. I had never been treated at the hospital before. Everyone was quite nice and provided their proper condolences, "I'm so sorry you have to be here for this." I wonder if all of the nurses thought I was crazy, I don't think I shed a single tear at the hospital. Every time they would same something about how grief can affect you or talked about some of the resources, I would always answer, "I know or I've done this before." One of the nurses seemed quite gruff at first, kind of a bitch. But I had her after I got out of recovery and grew fond of her in a short amount of time. It was her birthday and she was hoping to get off early to celebrate and was worried about not having a shift the next day to overcrowding. I would have thought I would think those were stupid things to be worried about, but it was nice to have some conversation with her. When she walked me out, another woman in labor walked in. She apologized as she said she normally tries to avoid that, but it couldn't have been helped. She gave me a very sincere hug as I was leaving too, which meant so much to me. I hope she got off early to celebrate her birthday.

Last night, we told Vinny. First we asked him if he remembers who lives in Heaven. He did, first Piper (our cat) and big brother Alfy. We then told him that mommy had a baby in her belly that went to Heaven to be with Alfy, another brother or sister, but we weren't sure which. He kept asking what we call it. For now we just decided on Baby V. He said Baby V is in Heaven, yes, Baby V is in Heaven. 

There is so much that is the same, but so much that is different. A lot of women I know don't talk about their miscarriages, or recognize them in ways that signifies that they had another child. I'm sure for many it's about coping. But for me, I can't do that. I can't pretend I didn't have another child that was growing with me. It's hard, though, because women in my family, who I'm close to, don't talk about their miscarriages. I want to break that norm, maybe they won't accept it, but I hope others will. I hadn't told many people I was pregnant yet, but had been planning to do so after the appointment on Monday. I mean, really why 12 weeks? I think it's a farce, I mean really. As I've found out, my children can die at any time during pregnancy. But, I guess I'll keep my end of the bargain and still tell people.

Happy Birthday Alfy

Alfy's 4th birthday was last week and this post is coming a little late. I realize I've wrote less in the past year than I ever have since having him. I'm not taking the time and there seems to be so little of it.

Last week was much different than previous years. There was not much anxiety leading up to his birthday and I took the day off, as I always will if I'm able. I was almost feeling guilt for thinking I didn't feel sad enough. I didn't cry much and just hung out at home. Maybe I was distracting myself with the mundane? Not sure.

Either way, I can't believe it's been 4 years. It just does not seem possible that it's been 4 years since he entered the world already gone. I think of all the things that have happened in the past 4 years and am somewhat amazed I have survived it. But here I am.

I did a baby fair a little over a week ago for Count the Kicks. I suppose that was my way of celebrating Alfy's birthday without him, try to save a few more babies and mothers, fathers and families from heartache. I recently got some good news about CTK, the Nebraska Perinatal Quality Improvement Collaborative is looking to introduce CTK to all the providers they work and provide the materials to the providers free of charge. I suppose that is a big step considering almost all birthing hospitals in the state work with NPQIC.

Vinny after haircut #2, can't really tell! Alfy's grave at Easter.

Vinny is thriving and doing amazing. He is such a fun kiddo to be a parent to. He inquisitive and silly and loving. At night he tells you, "Sweep Dreams, Mommy" and when you tell him don't let the bed bugs bite, he says, "Okay!" 

We have some moments, going to school lately has been a bit challenging and he has a few fits here and there, but they don't last long and are usually not too dramatic. 

And, he finally seems to have stopped eating things like dog food and cat food. Whew! Overall, he's a joy to parent. My biggest concern at the moment is that I'm able to help him understand who Alfy is, his big brother who died, but also not let Alfy overshadow Vinny and let him be his own little being. I don't want know what's it like to balance the needs and personalities of two living children, but it sure is tough to do with one dead and one living child.

As always, here's to hoping I find more time to write this year about all the things I love and maybe some of things I don't love so much.

Vinny Eating Habits, Kind Of

This post is all for Vinny. I know I don't share him on here as much as I do Alfy and I would like to dedicate time to both. So, without further ado, here is an introduction as to what my 2 year old has eaten in his short life, sounds boring, but wait for it...

- Old, dehydrated bugs found on the floor of a room you haven't been in for a while
- Dog food (a big fan)
- Cat food
- Dog treats (the milk bones)
- Cat treats (no longer allowed to "give" these to the cat, as they never get to her)
- White foam from potting soil
- Cat litter (not in the litter box but some that had spilled out, still gross)
- Dirt
- Rocks 

Those are just a few of the more odd things. It sounds like I never look after my child, but I promise I do. It takes no time at all for him to grab something and then pop it into his mouth. I always go through a series of reactions.

"Oh my God, what did you just eat?" As I frantically try to pry his mouth open.

I usually find it and realize there is now way I'm getting it out of his mouth. "Well, I hope that isn't too horrible for you..."

To not being able to get any of it out and/or watching him swallow. "Alright, we made it through that. Give you some water to rinse it down and keep an eye you." 

Fortunately nothing has come of any of these incidences. 

Things he will not eat, lots of different types of human food. He'll try cat food but there is no way you're getting the kid to eat hot dog. 

Go figure.