I was reading a blog today, actually it was an entry on an online magazine that I follow. The purpose of the article was to describe how a baby loss mom is using meditation and visualization techniques to try and conquer her anxiety as a mother to her living children. I appreciate and respect that process. However, in the midst of describing her process, she goes on to say that she will not medicate as medication would not "fix" her problem but only mask the symptoms. I have actually read this type of phrasing on several blogs from baby loss moms. Again, I appreciate that everyone will choose their own path for healing, but...I don't appreciate the negative connotation that medications used to treat depression, anxiety, insomnia, etc. receive, or the connotation that is often given to mental healthcare professionals, as if utilizing these resources/tools/aids is somehow a bad thing. I really struggle with these types of comments. As if I don't feel judged enough by the outside world, I am now feeling judged by an intimate community where I thought I was completely safe.
My hope is that for most people, the comments come from a lack of understanding. I will admit, I did not have a good concept of how therapy, psychiatry and medication for such mental disorders worked. Society as a whole puts a very negative image on using these resources. I think of how people react to the fact that I say I see a therapist and it brings extreme discomfort. I don't know why, I'm completely comfortable with it. It is a part of my life that is actually working for me right now, something I look forward to, something that helps me feel empowered in my own well being.
Therapy, counseling, psychiatric care, anti-depressants, anti-anxiety meds, sleep aids, all can be quite effective, if used with care, correctly and under the supervision of a responsible mental healthcare provider. I would say that is exactly what I have experienced. Medications are not used to "fix" depression or anxiety or sleep issues, they are not used to mask the symptoms so that you can ignore them and go on with your life while hiding from your problems (although I would venture to guess this might be how they are most commonly abused). Medications are used to help alleviate some of the symptoms, so that you can focus on working through the real issues to come to a better place for yourself.
Case in point - me. After first losing Alfy, I didn't have any issues sleeping, I was sad and less energetic than normal, but that was okay, I had just lost my son. I think it was probably about 3 or 4 weeks after I had Alfy, that my sleep habits, energy levels and all around interest in anything started to take a turn for the worse. And it's funny, once one thing starts, it affects the other things and they get stuck in this vicious cycle. I would go to bed at 10pm, every night. Going to bed at the same time every night is supposed to help with sleep, right? Well it stopped working. I would go to bed at 10pm and I would lay awake until 2 or 3am, when I would fall asleep, it was fitful, full of waking up over and over and over again, waking up at 4:30am and being wide awake, falling back asleep for a short while, hoping that maybe you would get a couple solid hours of sleep. Once that started to really take root, the energy levels started to fall. Once that happened, the apathy began to set in, and you go through the cycle again. Now, throw some uncontrollable anxiety on top of that and wow, it's some tough stuff to get through.
At one point I was taking Ambien (10mg), which still wouldn't always work. I was up to 150mg of Zoloft (anti-depressant) and I had Xanax to help curb the anxiety (don't remember the dosage). Sounds like quite the cocktail of meds? Well it was, and it was what I needed at that point in my healing. I needed something to help alleviate the symptoms so that I could focus on the real work of grieving and trying to put myself and my life back in a place where I felt I could function again. I suppose I would compare it to the flu or a cold. Do you sit around miserable with fevers and chills and body aches without doing anything for those symptoms? No, you try to alleviate them at some level so you can do the other things like eat, drink fluids, sleep to get better. We're okay with these things in a physical sense, but not in a mental sense and I would like to see that change.
Currently, 1 year, 1 month and 2 days after giving birth to my sleeping son, I still utilize these aids. I see my therapist/grief counselor once a week. I see my psychiatrist every 4-6 weeks. I work with both to regulate my need for medication. I no longer take Ambien or Xanax as my sleep has greatly improved and I have learned some new coping mechanisms for my anxiety and it's decreased quite a bit. At one point, I went off the Zoloft completely as well. However, I found out I was pregnant about the same time and the anxiety, irritability, apathy started returning. I honestly don't know if it was because I was off the Zoloft or the stress of facing another pregnancy, probably a combination of both. But, again, with the help of my therapist, psychiatrist, OB and perinatologist I decided that utilizing the Zoloft again would be the most beneficial thing for me to do. Depression creates more risks in pregnancy than Zoloft and I have a huge fear of postpartum depression, something that is very likely for me to experience again. Why make this pregnancy harder than it already is?
I continue to work in therapy and will do so for as long as it feels right to me, maybe it will be for a long time. Yes, the goal is to eventually go away from it, but I don't think it will ever be totally gone from life. If anything, I see it as a maintenance tool for me for years to come, and one that I am thankful to have found. I am also a firm believer that it takes many, many different resources to help a person in terms of their mental health - counseling, exercise, medicine, diet, support, writing, the list could go on and on.
Please don't judge me because I am in therapy or because I use anti-depressants. I am not masking my symptoms, I am not crazy, I am not medicating to escape reality. I am simply using another tool to do just the opposite, to help me accept my reality and live in it the best I can.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Monday, May 6, 2013
Ultrasounds
Ultrasounds - I've been wanting to write about them for a while, I'm not sure what's stopping me. I think I have a hard time including pregnancy topics on this blog when it was started for Alfy, and pregnancy topics can be terrible for others who might be reading this due to a recent loss. But, it is part of me and my life, so it's gonna be part of my blog.
I have had 10 ultrasounds and I am 20 weeks along, averages out to an ultrasound every 2 weeks. I wish I could accurately describe the experience. It's not at all like it was with Alfy, or probably what it is like for most women. I don't get excited to see what the kiddo will be up to. As another blogger/baby loss mom stated, it's like walking into a nightmare.
I'm terrified every time I walk into an ultrasound room. I am full of an anxiety that freezes me. I feel like a deer in headlights must feel, stuck, blind, not ready for the impending doom that is on its way.
We found out Alfy was gone through an ultrasound. I remember watching the face of the sonographer, seeing her face fall and biting her lip. I remember seeing the "color" on the ultrasound screen, or really the lack thereof. There was one color and it wasn't moving. I knew at that moment, but didn't really think it was possible.
I relive those moments each time I get an ultrasound, probably something similar to PTSD. But, rather than feel the anxiety in its full force during the ultrasound, as I said above, I freeze. I feel almost nothing. I turn it into more of a scientific moment for me, okay, here is that part and that one and this is functioning and this is moving. And, for a brief moment, there seems to be some relief. But it quickly rushes away the moment screen is turned off. No telling what will happen in the moments, minutes, hours, days, weeks until the next appointment.
I have gone in twice unexpectedly, on days where the anxiety in me was so high I was sure something was going wrong, one for spotting and one for cramping in my stomach. Both times I discounted my feelings as I sat in the office, but the anxiety that led me to those ultrasounds is the kind that leads others to the ER, chest pain, an inability to calm yourself, a feeling of losing control. Both of those times, everything was "fine." After the second appointment, I lost it. I tried to speak, to tell Tony something (I have no idea what) and all that came out were sobs, tears, anxiety, fear, sadness. I had just found out that kiddo #2 was okay and I could do nothing but sob in fear.
I try not to think about it too much, or I would be like that all the time, it's why I freeze and detach myself now. Even as I write this post, I feel very detached. And it will continue, I have at least 12 more ultrasounds to go, maybe more.
Two weeks until the next one.
I have had 10 ultrasounds and I am 20 weeks along, averages out to an ultrasound every 2 weeks. I wish I could accurately describe the experience. It's not at all like it was with Alfy, or probably what it is like for most women. I don't get excited to see what the kiddo will be up to. As another blogger/baby loss mom stated, it's like walking into a nightmare.
I'm terrified every time I walk into an ultrasound room. I am full of an anxiety that freezes me. I feel like a deer in headlights must feel, stuck, blind, not ready for the impending doom that is on its way.
We found out Alfy was gone through an ultrasound. I remember watching the face of the sonographer, seeing her face fall and biting her lip. I remember seeing the "color" on the ultrasound screen, or really the lack thereof. There was one color and it wasn't moving. I knew at that moment, but didn't really think it was possible.
I relive those moments each time I get an ultrasound, probably something similar to PTSD. But, rather than feel the anxiety in its full force during the ultrasound, as I said above, I freeze. I feel almost nothing. I turn it into more of a scientific moment for me, okay, here is that part and that one and this is functioning and this is moving. And, for a brief moment, there seems to be some relief. But it quickly rushes away the moment screen is turned off. No telling what will happen in the moments, minutes, hours, days, weeks until the next appointment.
I have gone in twice unexpectedly, on days where the anxiety in me was so high I was sure something was going wrong, one for spotting and one for cramping in my stomach. Both times I discounted my feelings as I sat in the office, but the anxiety that led me to those ultrasounds is the kind that leads others to the ER, chest pain, an inability to calm yourself, a feeling of losing control. Both of those times, everything was "fine." After the second appointment, I lost it. I tried to speak, to tell Tony something (I have no idea what) and all that came out were sobs, tears, anxiety, fear, sadness. I had just found out that kiddo #2 was okay and I could do nothing but sob in fear.
I try not to think about it too much, or I would be like that all the time, it's why I freeze and detach myself now. Even as I write this post, I feel very detached. And it will continue, I have at least 12 more ultrasounds to go, maybe more.
Two weeks until the next one.
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Are They Grateful?
Tony and I were reflecting about Alfy's birthday this past week. We were talking about how different our interactions were with the people who came to the balloon release and came to our house afterwards. We had both realized that we just didn't interact the same with those we used, those we thought would be there to support us fully in our time of need, but weren't. It was interesting. Tony made a good point that is was almost an ego boost for him, and I recognized it too. Having those people there was like an opportunity to show everyone, look what we did, look what we did without you. We wish you were there for us, but you weren't, so we did what we needed to do anyway.
At times you could almost feel the guilt coming from some, almost as if they were asking you to say that their absence was okay, that we understood. But neither of us did that. It's not okay and I will never tell you it is. I am learning to accept it, but that doesn't mean it's okay. I am trying to forgive it (although that has proven to be a greater challenge than I expected), but that doesn't mean it's okay.
This lead to some new thoughts for me, almost a new perspective, not one I like but one I have now.
My new perspective was triggered the other night by, of all things, Facebook. Now, I have unfollowed an enormous amount of people over the last year, most of whom have new families that they want to share with the world, not realizing not everyone can so easily share in the joy of their world. Tony continues to follow people that I can't. He says it make him appreciate where we are now more and what we've accomplished, the positive side coming out in him:) Anyways, I was looking over his shoulder the other night and I saw a post of a wife of one of Tony's friends. Their second child is on the way and the post identified the upcoming child as a boy. They were at the balloon release and Tony had even seen them since, but now word on their child. I saw another picture of a child I have yet to meet that was born in September. And today, I was dropping off Tony at his parents' house and twins were there that were born shortly before Alfy but I haven't seen since before he was born.
These instances always take me by surprise, cause me to clam up and nearly have a breakdown, cause my anxiety levels to skyrocket. In thinking about them, I've started to wonder if they are grateful that they weren't there for us, grateful that they were able to avoid all of the hard, sad experiences Tony and I have had, grateful that it's us and not them, grateful that we aren't around to remind them of how things can go so terribly wrong. I suspect the answer is yes and it makes me sad.
I'm not sure what to do with this perspective and these thoughts, but I needed to put them out there. I suppose I'll just sit with it for now.
(Contrary to last night's post, apparently I'm finding my words again...)
At times you could almost feel the guilt coming from some, almost as if they were asking you to say that their absence was okay, that we understood. But neither of us did that. It's not okay and I will never tell you it is. I am learning to accept it, but that doesn't mean it's okay. I am trying to forgive it (although that has proven to be a greater challenge than I expected), but that doesn't mean it's okay.
This lead to some new thoughts for me, almost a new perspective, not one I like but one I have now.
My new perspective was triggered the other night by, of all things, Facebook. Now, I have unfollowed an enormous amount of people over the last year, most of whom have new families that they want to share with the world, not realizing not everyone can so easily share in the joy of their world. Tony continues to follow people that I can't. He says it make him appreciate where we are now more and what we've accomplished, the positive side coming out in him:) Anyways, I was looking over his shoulder the other night and I saw a post of a wife of one of Tony's friends. Their second child is on the way and the post identified the upcoming child as a boy. They were at the balloon release and Tony had even seen them since, but now word on their child. I saw another picture of a child I have yet to meet that was born in September. And today, I was dropping off Tony at his parents' house and twins were there that were born shortly before Alfy but I haven't seen since before he was born.
These instances always take me by surprise, cause me to clam up and nearly have a breakdown, cause my anxiety levels to skyrocket. In thinking about them, I've started to wonder if they are grateful that they weren't there for us, grateful that they were able to avoid all of the hard, sad experiences Tony and I have had, grateful that it's us and not them, grateful that we aren't around to remind them of how things can go so terribly wrong. I suspect the answer is yes and it makes me sad.
I'm not sure what to do with this perspective and these thoughts, but I needed to put them out there. I suppose I'll just sit with it for now.
(Contrary to last night's post, apparently I'm finding my words again...)
Friday, April 19, 2013
Trying to Find Words
I haven't been blogging as much as I once did and I've been trying to figure out why. I've come up with a combination of reasons my word seem to be escaping me these days.
1. I'm empty and hollow. Since celebrating Alfy's birthday there has been an emptiness in my heart and soul. It's not just missing Alfy and wishing he was here with me. I don't know how to explain it. There was lots of build up leading to Alfy's first year in Heaven, it gave me something to focus on my energy for him on. Now it's on to year two and I'm not sure how to do. I'm not sure how to go through all these milestones all over again, so I don't think about it.
2. Kiddo #2. This one has left me without words. I feel detached from Alfy, from grief and from the child growing in me. I can't delve into any of it too deep for fear of not being to come back out. I know I can, but it's a struggle I just don't have the energy for right now. I don't know how to balance the past year with the upcoming year and the overlap that has occurred. I miss Alfy so much and this has been a place I could express that longing. Now my mind is invaded with what this year might have in store, kiddo #2, the good or bad. A guilt start to seeps in when I focus too much attention on this round. I have no idea how to balance these.
3. I'm out of touch with my grief. Like I mentioned above, I haven't been able to go to thick, overwhelming grief in a while. I just don't have the energy to wrestle myself out of it, even it's just an hour of good sobbing. I get anxious when I start to go there and I know the anxiety is not good for me, or anyone else, and that makes it worse. So I avoid it all together. The last time I really felt in touch with my grief was January 11, an hour or so before I figured out there was kiddo #2.
Basically I just feel like I'm a shell of myself walking around, not quite prepared to commit myself to anyone thing, numb to the world around me and the world inside my own body.
At least that's how I feel today.
1. I'm empty and hollow. Since celebrating Alfy's birthday there has been an emptiness in my heart and soul. It's not just missing Alfy and wishing he was here with me. I don't know how to explain it. There was lots of build up leading to Alfy's first year in Heaven, it gave me something to focus on my energy for him on. Now it's on to year two and I'm not sure how to do. I'm not sure how to go through all these milestones all over again, so I don't think about it.
2. Kiddo #2. This one has left me without words. I feel detached from Alfy, from grief and from the child growing in me. I can't delve into any of it too deep for fear of not being to come back out. I know I can, but it's a struggle I just don't have the energy for right now. I don't know how to balance the past year with the upcoming year and the overlap that has occurred. I miss Alfy so much and this has been a place I could express that longing. Now my mind is invaded with what this year might have in store, kiddo #2, the good or bad. A guilt start to seeps in when I focus too much attention on this round. I have no idea how to balance these.
3. I'm out of touch with my grief. Like I mentioned above, I haven't been able to go to thick, overwhelming grief in a while. I just don't have the energy to wrestle myself out of it, even it's just an hour of good sobbing. I get anxious when I start to go there and I know the anxiety is not good for me, or anyone else, and that makes it worse. So I avoid it all together. The last time I really felt in touch with my grief was January 11, an hour or so before I figured out there was kiddo #2.
Basically I just feel like I'm a shell of myself walking around, not quite prepared to commit myself to anyone thing, numb to the world around me and the world inside my own body.
At least that's how I feel today.
Monday, April 8, 2013
365 + 2
It's been 365 days plus 2 since I gave birth to my precious Alfy. Last week was not exactly a pleasant week for me. I had a lot of anxiety about the impending anniversary/birthday of my son's death and birth. It's strange to think that his death came before his birth. It's not the natural order of life, but it was his life. Anyways, last week was rough. Lots of anxiety, lots of anger, lots of feeling of uneasiness.
Tony and I planned a balloon release for Saturday, April 6. It was at 2pm at the cemetery. Initially I think we sent out about 60 invitations, we had a total of about 80 people RSVP. What an overwhelming feeling. At time, I thought what the hell am I doing? I'm no good with people and small talk any more and here I was surrounding myself with tons of people. Part of me felt like it was a disaster waiting to happen. But it didn't turn out that way. The balloon release was beautiful. I think we let almost 100 balloons go at once. There were all kinds of people there, family, friends, my grief counselor, my nurse that I had at the end of my last day in the hospital. At Alfy's grave, I created a poster with his handprints and footprints so others could see just how tiny they were. We also put out a picture of Tony and I holding him. I think it made our loss more real for others, the picture of our family. For others, I assume it's easy not to actually think about the physical picture of us with our son, to think about the actual physical presence of Alfy, to think about the fact that I gave birth to this beautiful little boy who was already gone. I hope the picture showed them what it is that we are going through, that we buried our first born child, that we lost our son.
Anyways, after the balloon release we invited everyone over to our house before Mass at our church. It was dedicated to Alfy. It was beautiful. Even my OB showed up at the Mass. I was truly touched by the outpouring from everyone. Normally, those to whom the Mass is dedicated are only mentioned by name. Our priest mentioned Alfy by his name Alfy, and told the parish that he should have been celebrating his 1st birthday with us, but was instead celebrating with Jesus. It was very personable and meant so much to Tony and I.
Now it's Monday, I felt like I've needed to document the weekend somehow, but it was almost too hard earlier. I feel so far removed from my initial intense grief that it's hard to go back to it. But I want to, I miss it. I felt closer to Alfy with the intense grief. Now I feel farther from him, in my grief, in time, physically, in my memories. I miss it. I miss him, so very much. The missing still makes my heart hurt, makes a lump catch in my throat, brings me to my knees.
Alfy, I miss you so much. I hope you know how much I love and how much you've changed my life. I read an article over and over again called, "I Would Still Choose You..." and it describes how I feel about you perfectly. Someday, when you're a bit older, I'll bring it out to share with you. Until then, just know how much your mom and dad love you and wish we could hold you in our arms again, even if for a brief moment.
I love you,
Mom
Tony and I planned a balloon release for Saturday, April 6. It was at 2pm at the cemetery. Initially I think we sent out about 60 invitations, we had a total of about 80 people RSVP. What an overwhelming feeling. At time, I thought what the hell am I doing? I'm no good with people and small talk any more and here I was surrounding myself with tons of people. Part of me felt like it was a disaster waiting to happen. But it didn't turn out that way. The balloon release was beautiful. I think we let almost 100 balloons go at once. There were all kinds of people there, family, friends, my grief counselor, my nurse that I had at the end of my last day in the hospital. At Alfy's grave, I created a poster with his handprints and footprints so others could see just how tiny they were. We also put out a picture of Tony and I holding him. I think it made our loss more real for others, the picture of our family. For others, I assume it's easy not to actually think about the physical picture of us with our son, to think about the actual physical presence of Alfy, to think about the fact that I gave birth to this beautiful little boy who was already gone. I hope the picture showed them what it is that we are going through, that we buried our first born child, that we lost our son.
Anyways, after the balloon release we invited everyone over to our house before Mass at our church. It was dedicated to Alfy. It was beautiful. Even my OB showed up at the Mass. I was truly touched by the outpouring from everyone. Normally, those to whom the Mass is dedicated are only mentioned by name. Our priest mentioned Alfy by his name Alfy, and told the parish that he should have been celebrating his 1st birthday with us, but was instead celebrating with Jesus. It was very personable and meant so much to Tony and I.
Now it's Monday, I felt like I've needed to document the weekend somehow, but it was almost too hard earlier. I feel so far removed from my initial intense grief that it's hard to go back to it. But I want to, I miss it. I felt closer to Alfy with the intense grief. Now I feel farther from him, in my grief, in time, physically, in my memories. I miss it. I miss him, so very much. The missing still makes my heart hurt, makes a lump catch in my throat, brings me to my knees.
Alfy, I miss you so much. I hope you know how much I love and how much you've changed my life. I read an article over and over again called, "I Would Still Choose You..." and it describes how I feel about you perfectly. Someday, when you're a bit older, I'll bring it out to share with you. Until then, just know how much your mom and dad love you and wish we could hold you in our arms again, even if for a brief moment.
I love you,
Mom
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Missing You
It is Easter weekend. Alfy was born during Easter weekend last year. While the dates are not the same and we will celebrate his short life and year in Heaven next weekend, it's almost like having to go through everything twice this year. I remember, more vividly than expected, what we were doing last year on Holy Thursday, Good Friday, Holy Saturday and Easter day. Each day I find myself looking at the clock and thinking back about what I was doing on that Easter day last year. Sometimes it catches me off guard, sometime it brings a smile to my face, sometimes it brings me to tears.
The change in weather is taking a toll on me as well. Don't get me wrong, I'm ready for warm weather but with it brings back the memories and feelings, emotional and physical, of last year. The weather does more to trigger memories than anything, the way the light is in our living room during certain times of days, the smells and breezes that travel through our screens, the birds chirping in the morning or evenings. If I close my eyes I would almost swear that I've been transported back in time to last year.
All this makes my heart ache. It makes me miss the early stages of grief. I'm sure that sounds strange, but those early stage of grief felt so much closer to Alfy, so much closer to my time with him. Now it all seems so far away. I miss him so much, I miss what he would have been now, what we would have with him.
I miss Alfy.
The change in weather is taking a toll on me as well. Don't get me wrong, I'm ready for warm weather but with it brings back the memories and feelings, emotional and physical, of last year. The weather does more to trigger memories than anything, the way the light is in our living room during certain times of days, the smells and breezes that travel through our screens, the birds chirping in the morning or evenings. If I close my eyes I would almost swear that I've been transported back in time to last year.
All this makes my heart ache. It makes me miss the early stages of grief. I'm sure that sounds strange, but those early stage of grief felt so much closer to Alfy, so much closer to my time with him. Now it all seems so far away. I miss him so much, I miss what he would have been now, what we would have with him.
I miss Alfy.
Sunday, March 24, 2013
One Line or Two?
I have been documenting the process of trying to get pregnant and finding out that we are pregnant since January. For those that read this blog, you might have noticed that I have been somewhat absent as of late. Well, that's because along with the grieving, a whole new set of fears has set in for me and Tony. As if grieving on its own isn't hard enough, we thought we would throw another wrench in it. But, I had to, if I didn't just keep moving I'm afraid at some point I would have stopped altogether and wouldn't have been able to start again. So I kept moving and keep moving each day. Day by day, that is how I live now.
Here is the journey of my pregnancy so far.
Entry #1 - 1/6/13
Tony and I are trying again to have a child. It's quite the process and quite frankly it kind of suck. When we got pregnant with Alfy, it was more luck. It's not that we weren't trying, but we weren't expecting it to work so quickly, but it did.
Now, we are actually having to work at it, which also means having to work at sex one week a month. Not cool. We have successfully failed twice. We've been "not officially" trying since September and have really put the work in a couple of times nows and no go.
In December, I actually thought I was pregnant. I was "scheduled" to start on Tuesday or Wednesday, by Friday, still nothing. Could it be, could I be pregnant? Saturday all those hopes, fears, everything, were crushed. There is a little part of me that wonders if maybe I had conceived another little soul, but for whatever reason, my body said no, again, couldn't keep another little soul alive. I'll never know for sure, I never took a pregnancy test.
This month, I took three tests. I screwed up the first one, took another one that night and one the next morning. "Not Pregnant." Those two little words came up both times. Still no monthly visitor this time either. Maybe my body isn't failing me again, maybe it's just a mess, who knows.
Entry #2 - 1/11/13
So I thought I had started my period last Sunday, after taking three pregnancy tests. But it only seemed like it was coming when I was going #2, so good chance it was just associated with hemorrhoids. Tony is out and about tonight. I stopped and picked up the cheap pregnancy tests, one with three just in case I screwed up again.
I had a good hour long cry tonight, the tears just kept pouring out. I thought I might be sick at one point. I just cried, went through all of Alfy's things and cried, looked through cards and letters and cried, just laid on the floor and cried.
Finally got up because I had to pee. I thought, what the hell, I'll take one again just in case. Two pink lines, I'm pretty sure that means I'm pregnant. Calling the doctor on Monday.
Entry #3 - 1/12/13
I took another pregnancy test tonight. It again came out positive. It affirmed for me that I do not have fertility issues. I was certain that in the cruel irony of the world, that it might throw infertility at me after losing Alfy, just to see if I could take it. I'm sure I could, but I didn't really want to. I had no valid reason for thinking that I might struggle with infertility, just a fear of the cruel side of the world.
Now on to all of the other fears. I will take it one day at a time for now. I'm not sure I can handle much more than that. I know that this pregnancy can end either one of two ways, 1) My child dies, before, during or after birth. Surely the world wouldn't do this twice to parents, but it does, I've been following a blog in which Abby and Aaron have lost two children, in one year. 2) I give birth to a living child, a rainbow baby as they're called in the BLM world, and bring him or her home.
Entry #4 - 1/18/13
I have an appointment with my OBGYN on Monday, 1/21/13 at 9am. I haven't really taken the time to let myself go to the place of, "I'm pregnant." It doesn't seem possible or real yet. It's like I've closed myself off and am just waiting for the shoe to drop. We'll see how Monday goes.
Entry #5 - 1/21/13
Went to the doctor today. I started to panic while we were waiting for the doctor, in the ultrasound room. I swore it was the same one we first heard Alfy's heartbeat, first saw his face and learned that he was gone. Tony swears it was a room down the hall. I like to think Tony is right, makes me feel just a bit better. We didn't see much, just a small sac of fluid and a spot where there might have been some bleeding, but hopefully nothing to worry about. It still hasn't really set in. I worry that I won't become attached to this little being because of my fear of what could happen. But then I think, what if something does happen and I didn't get attached, that would feel even worse. It's only been 6 weeks and 2 days. Lots more to go.
Entry #6 - 1/22/13
The doctor called today. My hormone levels were higher than she expected based on what she saw in the ultrasound yesterday. She would have expected to see more development. I have to have my hormone levels tested again tomorrow. If the hormone levels are continuing to increase then I will have another ultrasound next week. If they are going down, then I am probably having a miscarriage, but she could be wrong, her words, she seen it before. She just wanted to make sure I was aware of all of the possible scenarios. Could this seriously be happening?
Entry #7 - 1/27/13
I haven't had much time to write this week. I had my blood drawn again on Wednesday morning to test how the hormone levels were progressing. I received a call around lunch time on Thursday from doctor with the results. The hormone levels were increasing but not like she expected them to be. My doctor told me that my body could be preparing or having a miscarriage or it could be pregnant and just progressing differently than one would normally expect. But, there was no way to tell for sure from the tests. We have another ultrasound tomorrow morning, 1/28. It's been a long week. I was sitting in a meeting on Wednesday, with many people who had children and one who is about to have a child and several that will go through the journey a few more times. I looked around and realized they were all successful in the giving life journey, none had suffered any losses. I was certain in that moment that they never would either. And there I sat, sure I was about to suffer my second loss. I guess I'll know for sure tomorrow.
Entry #8 - 1/30/13
I should have written this entry two days ago. My doctor found a little being and a heartbeat during Monday's ultrasound. She thinks that I probably ovulated later in my cycle than what we would expect and that I am a week behind what the start of my last cycle would indicate. So, I guess Tony and I are expecting. It's still early, 6 weeks and 4 days based on the updated timeline. I have been very nauseous and fatigued, but I will take it. While I don't enjoy either one, I take them as signs that the little being in my body is still alive. My next appointment is on Feb. 11 and the next one after that Feb. 25. I think I will be having appointments every two weeks, which translates into 1 per month with my OB and 1 per month with the specialist. I am now living day by day in two week increments. I've already told a couple of people at work. I know they say to wait until 12 weeks because the risk of losing the little being is high in the first 12 weeks, but I did that and I still lost Alfy, so I don't think the same rules apply to me anymore. I/We will tell people whenever we feel like it. Some I want to tell now and others I don't ever want to tell until the end (not plausible, I know). Like everything else, guess I'll take it day by day, two weeks at a time.
Entry #9 - 1/31/13
Today I had my first panic doctor's appointment. I experienced some light spotting this morning and completely broke down. I managed to get it together enough to be at work but had an appointment scheduled this afternoon. My doctor did a quick ultrasound and everything still looks good, still a strong heartbeat. Those words make me feel better for about the amount of time I can hear it on the ultrasound. I also know what it's like to hear there is no heartbeat. I just keep waiting for the worst to happen, I EXPECT the worst to happen. My goal, make it to my next appointment on February 11.
Entry #10 - 2/10/13
My next appointment is tomorrow at 8:30am. I have to say the anxiety didn't really set in for this appointment until about 4am this morning when I couldn't sleep. In fact, my anxiety levels had dropped considerably, almost like the farther I got away from the last appointment, the less real it became, until 4am last night. Then my anxiety levels spiked. The past 10 days haven't been too bad. I've felt sick most of the time and so incredibly tired. The past couple of days the nausea has subsided a little, that makes me kind of nervous. I suppose I equate nausea to pregnancy. If I'm not sick, then I might not be pregnant. It's exhausting though. I'm don't feel comfortable complaining about the nausea because I fear others interpret it as me not being thankful for the little life with me. So not the case, I get how fragile this little life is, it could end at any moment, I am all too aware of that. But, that doesn't mean it's fun to be sick all the time either. Just another one of the things that has changed for me, no sharing of the things other women might share about their pregnancies, I keep mine to myself because others just don't seem to understand. Well, here's to tomorrow's appointment. 8 weeks, 2 days and counting, I hope.
Entry #11 - 2/16/13
I don't know why, but I put off writing down my updates. It's the detachment, the not quite feeling like I'm pregnant (not literally, I'm feel sick all the time and am exhausted beyond words) but not being able to put it together mentally I suppose. We had our appointment with the specialist on Monday. Again, they found the heartbeat. We went through the plan for the next several months, what the odds were of another loss, all of that. After hearing the heartbeat there is about a 3% chance of miscarriage. After 20 weeks, for a normal woman, there is a 1 in 160 chance that her pregnancy will end in stillbirth. After you become that 1, it becomes a 1 in 50 chance that the next pregnancy will end in stillbirth. I start Lovenox shots next week. I have an appointment on Tuesday morning to learn how to give myself an injection, it will become a daily part of my routine. I have another appointment the following week, another ultrasound. I've already had 4 ultrasounds and I have number 5 and 6 already scheduled. 9 weeks and 1 day.
Entry #12 - 2/21/13
Well, tonight (technically 2/20) I did it. I gave myself my first shot. It sucked. Don't get me wrong, the needle is quite small, but it still sucked. I could feel the needle as it broke the skin of my belly and I could feel every last drop of medicine entering my belly. It does not feel good, it burns like hell. The hand that was squeezing the fat part for the shot could feel the medicine entering. When the nurse did the shot yesterday, it only burned for about 10 minutes afterward. When I did it tonight, it burned for what felt like forever but was really closer to 30 minutes. It's going to be a long 30 weeks.
Entry #13 - 2/24/13
I've been doing the shots now for four nights on my own. Boy does it suck. The spot where the nurse did the shot didn't bruise, all of mine have small bruises around them. Not big ones, just little circles. I need to figure out how far apart the shots have to be, I can't imagine my stomach having room for them for the next ______ weeks. The nausea comes and goes now, not as full force as it was a week or two ago. It brings a new level of anxiety, sickness = pregnancy, no-sickness = no pregnancy, sounds weird. Ultrasound number 5 is tomorrow. 10 weeks and 3 days.
Entry #14 - 3/1/13
Ultrasound number 5 went fine. There was a heartbeat and the little being was moving. I was a little frustrated at the communication between my OB and the specialist, but I think it will be worked out. Jut have to take a proactive stance and ask lots of questions. The next appointment is in just over a week, they will do screenings for genetic abnormalities, like the Trisomy genes. I don't think the results will mean all that much to me, I've been the 1 and I can always be the 1 again. Went through my first box of injections, I've done a total of 11. It still sucks every night. Family coming to town next weekend, think we are telling them. Not looking forward to it. 11 weeks today.
Entry #15 - 3/11/13
My birthday was Friday, 3/8. I also made it to 12 weeks. My family was in town, Tony and I told our parents and siblings. Honestly, I dreaded telling them and I wish we didn't have to, at all, ever. Comments like, "Everything is going to be fine this time, I just know it," or "I'm sure your scared and worried, it doesn't ever go away even after they're born," provide me no comfort at all. My parents just don't get it and I can fill the void between us starting to grow again, I can feel the space that I am starting to place there because I simply don't have the energy or want right now to try to help them understand. They just don't get it. They don't see me as a parent, which makes me sad.
Tomorrow is the 12 week appointment/ultrasound. We'll do the genetic testing but I'm not sure that it will mean too much to me, the results I mean. It's all just a bunch of numbers and once you're the one, you feel you could always be the one.
Entry #16 - 3/17/13
So, I made it to 13 weeks yesterday. Apparently my due date is 9/21 not 9/20 according to my specialist. I had been counting on Fridays in previous posts, now I will make the week change on Saturdays. Today, 13 weeks and 1 day. We had our 12 week appointment last week. The kiddo measured at 13 weeks 1 day and we were 12 weeks 3 days, growing at a healthy pace so far. We also did all the testing, we have about a 1 in 10000 chance of having Downs, Trisomy 18 or 21. The doctor could have told me 1 in 300 and I don't think I would have reacted much differently. There is always the 1...One week until our next appointment. We are sending out invites for Alfy's birthday tomorrow, at the same time announcing kiddo #2. Makes me nervous, can't go back. What if I have to tell everyone again that I've lost my child? It creates a panic in my mind and my stomach. I just don't think about it, don't think about being pregnant, don't think about the future. Just stick to day to day thoughts.
Here is the journey of my pregnancy so far.
Entry #1 - 1/6/13
Tony and I are trying again to have a child. It's quite the process and quite frankly it kind of suck. When we got pregnant with Alfy, it was more luck. It's not that we weren't trying, but we weren't expecting it to work so quickly, but it did.
Now, we are actually having to work at it, which also means having to work at sex one week a month. Not cool. We have successfully failed twice. We've been "not officially" trying since September and have really put the work in a couple of times nows and no go.
In December, I actually thought I was pregnant. I was "scheduled" to start on Tuesday or Wednesday, by Friday, still nothing. Could it be, could I be pregnant? Saturday all those hopes, fears, everything, were crushed. There is a little part of me that wonders if maybe I had conceived another little soul, but for whatever reason, my body said no, again, couldn't keep another little soul alive. I'll never know for sure, I never took a pregnancy test.
This month, I took three tests. I screwed up the first one, took another one that night and one the next morning. "Not Pregnant." Those two little words came up both times. Still no monthly visitor this time either. Maybe my body isn't failing me again, maybe it's just a mess, who knows.
Entry #2 - 1/11/13
So I thought I had started my period last Sunday, after taking three pregnancy tests. But it only seemed like it was coming when I was going #2, so good chance it was just associated with hemorrhoids. Tony is out and about tonight. I stopped and picked up the cheap pregnancy tests, one with three just in case I screwed up again.
I had a good hour long cry tonight, the tears just kept pouring out. I thought I might be sick at one point. I just cried, went through all of Alfy's things and cried, looked through cards and letters and cried, just laid on the floor and cried.
Finally got up because I had to pee. I thought, what the hell, I'll take one again just in case. Two pink lines, I'm pretty sure that means I'm pregnant. Calling the doctor on Monday.
Entry #3 - 1/12/13
I took another pregnancy test tonight. It again came out positive. It affirmed for me that I do not have fertility issues. I was certain that in the cruel irony of the world, that it might throw infertility at me after losing Alfy, just to see if I could take it. I'm sure I could, but I didn't really want to. I had no valid reason for thinking that I might struggle with infertility, just a fear of the cruel side of the world.
Now on to all of the other fears. I will take it one day at a time for now. I'm not sure I can handle much more than that. I know that this pregnancy can end either one of two ways, 1) My child dies, before, during or after birth. Surely the world wouldn't do this twice to parents, but it does, I've been following a blog in which Abby and Aaron have lost two children, in one year. 2) I give birth to a living child, a rainbow baby as they're called in the BLM world, and bring him or her home.
Entry #4 - 1/18/13
I have an appointment with my OBGYN on Monday, 1/21/13 at 9am. I haven't really taken the time to let myself go to the place of, "I'm pregnant." It doesn't seem possible or real yet. It's like I've closed myself off and am just waiting for the shoe to drop. We'll see how Monday goes.
Entry #5 - 1/21/13
Went to the doctor today. I started to panic while we were waiting for the doctor, in the ultrasound room. I swore it was the same one we first heard Alfy's heartbeat, first saw his face and learned that he was gone. Tony swears it was a room down the hall. I like to think Tony is right, makes me feel just a bit better. We didn't see much, just a small sac of fluid and a spot where there might have been some bleeding, but hopefully nothing to worry about. It still hasn't really set in. I worry that I won't become attached to this little being because of my fear of what could happen. But then I think, what if something does happen and I didn't get attached, that would feel even worse. It's only been 6 weeks and 2 days. Lots more to go.
Entry #6 - 1/22/13
The doctor called today. My hormone levels were higher than she expected based on what she saw in the ultrasound yesterday. She would have expected to see more development. I have to have my hormone levels tested again tomorrow. If the hormone levels are continuing to increase then I will have another ultrasound next week. If they are going down, then I am probably having a miscarriage, but she could be wrong, her words, she seen it before. She just wanted to make sure I was aware of all of the possible scenarios. Could this seriously be happening?
Entry #7 - 1/27/13
I haven't had much time to write this week. I had my blood drawn again on Wednesday morning to test how the hormone levels were progressing. I received a call around lunch time on Thursday from doctor with the results. The hormone levels were increasing but not like she expected them to be. My doctor told me that my body could be preparing or having a miscarriage or it could be pregnant and just progressing differently than one would normally expect. But, there was no way to tell for sure from the tests. We have another ultrasound tomorrow morning, 1/28. It's been a long week. I was sitting in a meeting on Wednesday, with many people who had children and one who is about to have a child and several that will go through the journey a few more times. I looked around and realized they were all successful in the giving life journey, none had suffered any losses. I was certain in that moment that they never would either. And there I sat, sure I was about to suffer my second loss. I guess I'll know for sure tomorrow.
Entry #8 - 1/30/13
I should have written this entry two days ago. My doctor found a little being and a heartbeat during Monday's ultrasound. She thinks that I probably ovulated later in my cycle than what we would expect and that I am a week behind what the start of my last cycle would indicate. So, I guess Tony and I are expecting. It's still early, 6 weeks and 4 days based on the updated timeline. I have been very nauseous and fatigued, but I will take it. While I don't enjoy either one, I take them as signs that the little being in my body is still alive. My next appointment is on Feb. 11 and the next one after that Feb. 25. I think I will be having appointments every two weeks, which translates into 1 per month with my OB and 1 per month with the specialist. I am now living day by day in two week increments. I've already told a couple of people at work. I know they say to wait until 12 weeks because the risk of losing the little being is high in the first 12 weeks, but I did that and I still lost Alfy, so I don't think the same rules apply to me anymore. I/We will tell people whenever we feel like it. Some I want to tell now and others I don't ever want to tell until the end (not plausible, I know). Like everything else, guess I'll take it day by day, two weeks at a time.
Entry #9 - 1/31/13
Today I had my first panic doctor's appointment. I experienced some light spotting this morning and completely broke down. I managed to get it together enough to be at work but had an appointment scheduled this afternoon. My doctor did a quick ultrasound and everything still looks good, still a strong heartbeat. Those words make me feel better for about the amount of time I can hear it on the ultrasound. I also know what it's like to hear there is no heartbeat. I just keep waiting for the worst to happen, I EXPECT the worst to happen. My goal, make it to my next appointment on February 11.
Entry #10 - 2/10/13
My next appointment is tomorrow at 8:30am. I have to say the anxiety didn't really set in for this appointment until about 4am this morning when I couldn't sleep. In fact, my anxiety levels had dropped considerably, almost like the farther I got away from the last appointment, the less real it became, until 4am last night. Then my anxiety levels spiked. The past 10 days haven't been too bad. I've felt sick most of the time and so incredibly tired. The past couple of days the nausea has subsided a little, that makes me kind of nervous. I suppose I equate nausea to pregnancy. If I'm not sick, then I might not be pregnant. It's exhausting though. I'm don't feel comfortable complaining about the nausea because I fear others interpret it as me not being thankful for the little life with me. So not the case, I get how fragile this little life is, it could end at any moment, I am all too aware of that. But, that doesn't mean it's fun to be sick all the time either. Just another one of the things that has changed for me, no sharing of the things other women might share about their pregnancies, I keep mine to myself because others just don't seem to understand. Well, here's to tomorrow's appointment. 8 weeks, 2 days and counting, I hope.
Entry #11 - 2/16/13
I don't know why, but I put off writing down my updates. It's the detachment, the not quite feeling like I'm pregnant (not literally, I'm feel sick all the time and am exhausted beyond words) but not being able to put it together mentally I suppose. We had our appointment with the specialist on Monday. Again, they found the heartbeat. We went through the plan for the next several months, what the odds were of another loss, all of that. After hearing the heartbeat there is about a 3% chance of miscarriage. After 20 weeks, for a normal woman, there is a 1 in 160 chance that her pregnancy will end in stillbirth. After you become that 1, it becomes a 1 in 50 chance that the next pregnancy will end in stillbirth. I start Lovenox shots next week. I have an appointment on Tuesday morning to learn how to give myself an injection, it will become a daily part of my routine. I have another appointment the following week, another ultrasound. I've already had 4 ultrasounds and I have number 5 and 6 already scheduled. 9 weeks and 1 day.
Entry #12 - 2/21/13
Well, tonight (technically 2/20) I did it. I gave myself my first shot. It sucked. Don't get me wrong, the needle is quite small, but it still sucked. I could feel the needle as it broke the skin of my belly and I could feel every last drop of medicine entering my belly. It does not feel good, it burns like hell. The hand that was squeezing the fat part for the shot could feel the medicine entering. When the nurse did the shot yesterday, it only burned for about 10 minutes afterward. When I did it tonight, it burned for what felt like forever but was really closer to 30 minutes. It's going to be a long 30 weeks.
Entry #13 - 2/24/13
I've been doing the shots now for four nights on my own. Boy does it suck. The spot where the nurse did the shot didn't bruise, all of mine have small bruises around them. Not big ones, just little circles. I need to figure out how far apart the shots have to be, I can't imagine my stomach having room for them for the next ______ weeks. The nausea comes and goes now, not as full force as it was a week or two ago. It brings a new level of anxiety, sickness = pregnancy, no-sickness = no pregnancy, sounds weird. Ultrasound number 5 is tomorrow. 10 weeks and 3 days.
Entry #14 - 3/1/13
Ultrasound number 5 went fine. There was a heartbeat and the little being was moving. I was a little frustrated at the communication between my OB and the specialist, but I think it will be worked out. Jut have to take a proactive stance and ask lots of questions. The next appointment is in just over a week, they will do screenings for genetic abnormalities, like the Trisomy genes. I don't think the results will mean all that much to me, I've been the 1 and I can always be the 1 again. Went through my first box of injections, I've done a total of 11. It still sucks every night. Family coming to town next weekend, think we are telling them. Not looking forward to it. 11 weeks today.
Entry #15 - 3/11/13
My birthday was Friday, 3/8. I also made it to 12 weeks. My family was in town, Tony and I told our parents and siblings. Honestly, I dreaded telling them and I wish we didn't have to, at all, ever. Comments like, "Everything is going to be fine this time, I just know it," or "I'm sure your scared and worried, it doesn't ever go away even after they're born," provide me no comfort at all. My parents just don't get it and I can fill the void between us starting to grow again, I can feel the space that I am starting to place there because I simply don't have the energy or want right now to try to help them understand. They just don't get it. They don't see me as a parent, which makes me sad.
Tomorrow is the 12 week appointment/ultrasound. We'll do the genetic testing but I'm not sure that it will mean too much to me, the results I mean. It's all just a bunch of numbers and once you're the one, you feel you could always be the one.
Entry #16 - 3/17/13
So, I made it to 13 weeks yesterday. Apparently my due date is 9/21 not 9/20 according to my specialist. I had been counting on Fridays in previous posts, now I will make the week change on Saturdays. Today, 13 weeks and 1 day. We had our 12 week appointment last week. The kiddo measured at 13 weeks 1 day and we were 12 weeks 3 days, growing at a healthy pace so far. We also did all the testing, we have about a 1 in 10000 chance of having Downs, Trisomy 18 or 21. The doctor could have told me 1 in 300 and I don't think I would have reacted much differently. There is always the 1...One week until our next appointment. We are sending out invites for Alfy's birthday tomorrow, at the same time announcing kiddo #2. Makes me nervous, can't go back. What if I have to tell everyone again that I've lost my child? It creates a panic in my mind and my stomach. I just don't think about it, don't think about being pregnant, don't think about the future. Just stick to day to day thoughts.
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