It is Easter weekend. Alfy was born during Easter weekend last year. While the dates are not the same and we will celebrate his short life and year in Heaven next weekend, it's almost like having to go through everything twice this year. I remember, more vividly than expected, what we were doing last year on Holy Thursday, Good Friday, Holy Saturday and Easter day. Each day I find myself looking at the clock and thinking back about what I was doing on that Easter day last year. Sometimes it catches me off guard, sometime it brings a smile to my face, sometimes it brings me to tears.
The change in weather is taking a toll on me as well. Don't get me wrong, I'm ready for warm weather but with it brings back the memories and feelings, emotional and physical, of last year. The weather does more to trigger memories than anything, the way the light is in our living room during certain times of days, the smells and breezes that travel through our screens, the birds chirping in the morning or evenings. If I close my eyes I would almost swear that I've been transported back in time to last year.
All this makes my heart ache. It makes me miss the early stages of grief. I'm sure that sounds strange, but those early stage of grief felt so much closer to Alfy, so much closer to my time with him. Now it all seems so far away. I miss him so much, I miss what he would have been now, what we would have with him.
I miss Alfy.
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