I haven't been blogging as much as I once did and I've been trying to figure out why. I've come up with a combination of reasons my word seem to be escaping me these days.
1. I'm empty and hollow. Since celebrating Alfy's birthday there has been an emptiness in my heart and soul. It's not just missing Alfy and wishing he was here with me. I don't know how to explain it. There was lots of build up leading to Alfy's first year in Heaven, it gave me something to focus on my energy for him on. Now it's on to year two and I'm not sure how to do. I'm not sure how to go through all these milestones all over again, so I don't think about it.
2. Kiddo #2. This one has left me without words. I feel detached from Alfy, from grief and from the child growing in me. I can't delve into any of it too deep for fear of not being to come back out. I know I can, but it's a struggle I just don't have the energy for right now. I don't know how to balance the past year with the upcoming year and the overlap that has occurred. I miss Alfy so much and this has been a place I could express that longing. Now my mind is invaded with what this year might have in store, kiddo #2, the good or bad. A guilt start to seeps in when I focus too much attention on this round. I have no idea how to balance these.
3. I'm out of touch with my grief. Like I mentioned above, I haven't been able to go to thick, overwhelming grief in a while. I just don't have the energy to wrestle myself out of it, even it's just an hour of good sobbing. I get anxious when I start to go there and I know the anxiety is not good for me, or anyone else, and that makes it worse. So I avoid it all together. The last time I really felt in touch with my grief was January 11, an hour or so before I figured out there was kiddo #2.
Basically I just feel like I'm a shell of myself walking around, not quite prepared to commit myself to anyone thing, numb to the world around me and the world inside my own body.
At least that's how I feel today.
No comments:
Post a Comment