Ultrasounds

Ultrasounds - I've been wanting to write about them for a while, I'm not sure what's stopping me.  I think I have a hard time including pregnancy topics on this blog when it was started for Alfy, and pregnancy topics can be terrible for others who might be reading this due to a recent loss.  But, it is part of me and my life, so it's gonna be part of my blog.

I have had 10 ultrasounds and I am 20 weeks along, averages out to an ultrasound every 2 weeks.  I wish I could accurately describe the experience.  It's not at all like it was with Alfy, or probably what it is like for most women.  I don't get excited to see what the kiddo will be up to.  As another blogger/baby loss mom stated, it's like walking into a nightmare.

I'm terrified every time I walk into an ultrasound room.  I am full of an anxiety that freezes me.  I feel like a deer in headlights must feel, stuck, blind, not ready for the impending doom that is on its way.  

We found out Alfy was gone through an ultrasound.  I remember watching the face of the sonographer, seeing her face fall and biting her lip.  I remember seeing the "color" on the ultrasound screen, or really the lack thereof.  There was one color and it wasn't moving.  I knew at that moment, but didn't really think it was possible.  

I relive those moments each time I get an ultrasound, probably something similar to PTSD. But, rather than feel the anxiety in its full force during the ultrasound, as I said above, I freeze.  I feel almost nothing.  I turn it into more of a scientific moment for me, okay, here is that part and that one and this is functioning and this is moving.  And, for a brief moment, there seems to be some relief.  But it quickly rushes away the moment screen is turned off.  No telling what will happen in the moments, minutes, hours, days, weeks until the next appointment. 

I have gone in twice unexpectedly, on days where the anxiety in me was so high I was sure something was going wrong, one for spotting and one for cramping in my stomach.  Both times I discounted my feelings as I sat in the office, but the anxiety that led me to those ultrasounds is the kind that leads others to the ER, chest pain, an inability to calm yourself, a feeling of losing control.  Both of those times, everything was "fine."  After the second appointment, I lost it.  I tried to speak, to tell Tony something (I have no idea what) and all that came out were sobs, tears, anxiety, fear, sadness.  I had just found out that kiddo #2 was okay and I could do nothing but sob in fear.  

I try not to think about it too much, or I would be like that all the time, it's why I freeze and detach myself now.  Even as I write this post, I feel very detached.  And it will continue, I have at least 12 more ultrasounds to go, maybe more.  

Two weeks until the next one.