Walking with You Series - Entry #5

Mirror, Mirror - The Comparison Trap

How I have fallen into the Comparison Trap, time and time again.  I remember when I first found blogs, I started reading about all these other mothers who had lost their children much too soon.  They all seemed to handle it so much better than I.  The mothers who had the courage to call Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, the mothers who washed and bathed their babies, the mothers who remembered to keep a locket of hair, the mothers who did_______________, you can insert a lot here.  Why didn't I do those things?  Why didn't I know?  Why couldn't I find the courage?

After comparing all the things I did or didn't do with my son, I started comparing my grief process.  So and so were able to keep a house running, get out of bed, cook, clean and go on with other kids.  I didn't have other kids to go on for, I could barely go on myself in the early weeks.  Getting out of bed was the hardest thing I did (still is), let alone clean my house or cook a meal.  So and so went back to work after 6 weeks, I was still out at week 9.  So and so was grieving without needing to see a therapist, without needing to take an anti-depressant, I wasn't.  So many things others were doing, so many others that seemed to have it together so much better than I.

And it didn't stop there, I compared my grief and myself to Tony.  He went back to work one week after Alfy was born and gone.  He seemed to cope so much better with the outside world, he seemed so much stronger.

Turns out, it's just different, for everyone.  The Comparison Trap is just that, a trap, full of misleadings and dangerous suggestions.  It' easy to get in and hard to get out.  I'll admit, at time I've had to distance myself from blogs and other BLMs to get out of the trap.  But, after some time of self love and healing, I'm able to go back.  I always go back because it's where I feel most connected now.  I am slowly learning to be gentle with myself, to remember there is no wrong or right way to do any of this.  There isn't a manual on how to grieve the death of your child, no matter how young or old, there is just your way.  And like any new venture, it tends to be a learn-as-you-go process.  I will admit, this is one I wish I didn't have to learn.

Speaking of comparisons, I've been trying to read what others have done for their child in Heaven's first birthday.  Alfy's is coming up in less than two months, it doesn't seem possible, but it is.  I want to do something to honor and remember him and help others honor and remember him.  If anyone has any ideas or suggestions, I would really like to hear them.  I met a woman last year who raised $25000 for the MISS Foundation in honor of her daughter's first birthday.  I used to think how amazing that would be.  That should something I should aim for on Alfy's first birthday.  But, that's not where I am at, I've stopped comparing.  Still looking for ideas on a smaller scale though.