First note - I realize I am a week behind, just haven't been able to catch up since starting.
Overcoming Guilt and Embracing Joy
I don't know that I have a whole lot to say here. Overcoming guilt is a daily battle for me. How did I not know my child was dying inside my own body? How did I not know he was already gone? How did I mistake the muscle spasms in my stomach for kicks? Why didn't I go to the doctor that one time a couple of weeks before I lost Alfy, when I wasn't sure if what I was feeling was normal? How, why, what if? These questions follow me on a daily basis. I've learned to drive them down, they can be extremely dangerous and destructive. On days when I have the hardest time letting the questions go, I physically go through the entire sequence of events and I rationally talk out (to myself) that there is nothing I could have done. I rationally talk out each step and that even if I had done this or had done that, the end result would have been the same, I still would have lost Alfy. I'm not sure that I believe it, but it's how I get through it.
Embracing joy, I think I do this with the small things. I'm not sure that I would call it joy, I'm not sure that I've experience real joy yet, happiness, yes, but joy, I don't think I would go there. I smile and laugh. I enjoy sarcasm and jokes again. I enjoy the little quirks of my dog and cat. My husband makes me smile and laugh and I love him so much it makes my heart warm. I enjoy those moments but they are tinged with bits of sadness. I think they always be. If and when I start embracing real joy again, I will let you know.
Go through the throws of grief at your own "speed." There is no rush to move on... You will travel as fast or slow as your heart desires. Hold onto each piece... as your heart heals, you'll notice that you have taken each piece with you... never letting go...
ReplyDeleteGive yourself grace and gentleness. We all have to find our way on this path...each individual, unique path. I remember reliving the moments also...wondering if I would've gone to the hospital with Faith and Grace earlier...with more of a sense of urgency...would our story have ended differently? Could they have been saved?
ReplyDeleteI like what Holly said that if onlys, what ifs, and not good enoughs are not from God. We are not meant to dwell there. I like that you talk yourself through the steps and realize that you couldn't have achieved another outcome if you did it differently. And, I understand the re-living.
Praying for peace and grace for every day, every step, every breath. This is a one moment at a time season. Joy will come when it's ready...right now, the heart needs mending and healing from this much broken takes some time.
I think happiness is a good place to start when finding joy again. The little things that make you smile and laugh. Some day joy will come again but until then just keep embracing those happy moments.
ReplyDeleteI think the questions will always be there. When we can't find the answers, we will always have the questions. But, enjoying the small stuff helps! Keep embracing those happy moments!
ReplyDelete