Have They Forgotten?

It's been a while since I've blogged about my own subject.  I enjoyed the Walking with You series but found it difficult to write every week.  If you've read the posts you may have noticed as they got shorter and shorter each time.   

Tonight I guess I felt like putting down to words how incredibly fragile and raw I still am.  I've come a long way, but part of me still hurts so very much.  The past couple of days at work have reminded me of that.  My co-worker is due in less than a month and there has been lots of talk of her baby's upcoming arrival.  The buzz of excitement for most of our coworkers and our boss.  I can't participate in that excitement.  In fact, it seems to rip me apart to my very core.  The naive innocence with which everyone expects that she and her child will be just fine.  People held that naive innocence and excitement for me once too.  I am no longer naive and I've lost that innocence and no longer have any room for either, nor can I identify with either.  Mine was stolen from me 10 months and 15 days ago.  These days its just more of a cruel reminder of what I'll never have, a pregnancy where I expect to come home with a child in my arms.

Anyway, I still can't believe that people can and will act that way around me.  It's like they've forgotten that I buried my own son less than a year ago, like they've forgotten that I even had a son, like they've forgotten that I once had a pregnancy and it didn't end with a bundle of joy in my arms, like they've forgotten that I once had a pregnancy that ended with a broken heart and empty arms.  I wish they would have a bit more respect for my loss and for me.  I will confront those people on the words they said that ripped my heart in two, but I am getting so sick of having these conversations.  I will go back to defense mode and avoid group settings as much as possible again, avoid going to meetings early, avoid group lunches with co-workers, back to my lonely existence of trying to survive.

Tomorrow is supposed to be "snowmageddon," maybe it will be a good excuse for me to avoid work all together.