Back to Work

I went back to work today.  I have mixed feelings about it, although it seems to have improved my mood for the evening.  In theory, it would be considered much better than sitting on the couch and watching TV, even if I didn't accomplish anything.  But I'm not sure yet if it is.  I am no good at being around people or even basic communication sometimes.  And I really miss the TV shows I have become so attached to over the past few weeks.  I had a routine going that was comfortable for me. 

I read another baby loss mom blog (will link it here when I figure out how) and she spoke of being a more compassionate and kind person.  I have to admit that right now I'm not sure that I am.  I have feel like I have two polar opposites, the side of me that is the kind, compassionate one, but it depends on what I have to be kind and compassionate about.  The other side of me could care less about a lot of things and it's hard to pretend.  

Lots of things are hard to pretend and I think that is all I did today was pretend.  I pretended to be happy, or at least not completely overcome with sadness.  I pretended to interested in conversations that really had no meaning to me yet.  I pretended to be focused at times, intently going through email or work folders.  There were a few times I didn't have to pretend.  A student asked me what I thought about a certain aspect of the job that I would normally be in charge of, but am not right now because I don't think I could do the job justice.  It felt good to help, even if in a very small way.  I was grateful the student asked me.  I am also grateful that the very same student did not ask me "How are you doing?".

It was re-affirmed today that I hate that question.  "How are you doing?"  People ask in all kinds of tones.  I'm not sure how to explain them.  I don't think most people really want to know, they just don't know what else to say.  There are a few who really want to know and I always tear up when I tell them.  Not everyone asked that either.  Some colleagues stopped by to say "I'm glad you're back."  That was much easier to hear.  

All in all I suppose I will go back tomorrow.