I'm not sure yet if I want to/should be sharing this here, but I'm going to anyways. Tony and I have started talked about trying to conceive again. And I must tell you, it's a terrifying thought for me, especially right now. Saturday will mark six months since Alfy was born and gone. Ironically, it will also mark the one year anniversary of when he was conceived. All this dawned on me yesterday, it made the day hard.
Tony and I have spent a lot of time the past couple of weekends with our nephew. He's about 8 1/2 months old right now and so cute I could just eat him up. My nephew's parents, my sister and new brother-in-law, got married two weekends ago and my cousin this past weekend, so there has been lots of family time. Seeing my nephew has created that want of another child for both Tony and me. But with that want comes great fear.
I don't know that I could go through a pregnancy that was on virtually the same timeline as my pregnancy with Alfy. I know Tony wants to have more children so badly, as do I, but I don't know if I can do it right now. On the flip side, there is a fear in me that if I wait too long, it won't happen and I will have missed out entirely. I doubt this to be the truth, but it's still there.
I also fear what kind of mother I might be to a living child. Already, my view of pregnancy and how to prepare for another child has become totally distorted. The thoughts that run through my head are nothing like what a "normal" woman preparing for another possible pregnancy might have and are nothing like what I had when I was pregnant with Alfy. I think about the cemetery and the fact that we purchased three plots side by side, one for Alfy, one for me and one for Tony. Is the plot next to Alfy still available? Should we consider buying it now to be prepared, just in case? Can we put a flat marker there like Alfy's or does it have to be a standing monument? I can't remember the rules at the cemetery, two standing monuments and one flat marker, but can you add in additional flat markers? it creates an almost panic like feeling in me that another lost child would not be able to have the same marker. I also think about if and when I might find out about another pregnancy, I will immediately go and buy a little girl preemie outfit and a little boy preemie outfit. I didn't have any outfits for Alfy when he was born. I wasn't prepared like I should have been. I think about our spare room with the crib still up that will need to come down, yes that''s right, down not up. But then that thought sends me into a whirlwind of panic and guilt that I didn't have the room put together for Alfy when he was born, but I don't think I could take down another room. I think about baby showers and the fact that I don't think I would want to have any, but how would we go about getting all the stuff needed to have a child? Honestly, I think I would purchase most of it after-the-fact, if we even got to that point. Otherwise, I suppose just the bare necessities will do.
These are the thoughts that run through my head when I think about trying to try to conceive another child.
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