Six months

My sweet little Alfy was born six months ago today.  There are moments it feels like it was just yesterday and other moments where it feels like a lifetime ago.  So much has changed since that day in April.  

A lot of my posts as of late have focused on my anger, my discomfort with others and my crazy thoughts.  Unfortunately there is still a lot of that floating around in my soul.  But, there are also many things that have brought a smile to my face, like my hubby.  So, in honor of my precious little boy, I am going to share the afternoon (more like after 4pm) adventures I had with his dad today.

I've realized how much my husband and I are meant for each other.  I'm sure that sounds cheesy, but it's true.  There are so many little nuances about him that just make me giggle and smile, his love to "dance," his singing in the shower, the excitement he shows at some of the smallest things, his caring heart, his crazy attempt today to make biscuits that were star shaped.  I would not be where I am right now without him.  He is such a wonderful husband and father.  

Today, we went to the cemetery to visit Alfy.  I took a camera with me so I could get some pictures for the "Capture Your Grief 2012" project I've been participating in on Facebook (finally, something positive from Facebook!).  We took pictures of Alfy's marker and his spot at the cemetery.  We walked around to visit Alfy's neighbors.  I was saddened to see that there is a girl close by who passed when she was only 13 years old, her name was Jenna.  I wonder what her story is.  I said a little prayer for her and all of his neighbors.  I was surprised to see how many soldiers from the military were around him.  It was comforting though, he is surrounded by so many brave individuals.  Tony joined me in all of this and didn't think it strange or weird.

After our visit with Alfy we drove to the Russell Stover's candy store in town.  They are the only place in the state of Nebraska that sells Blue Bell ice cream, of which Cookies N Cream is my favorite.  It is the best ice cream ever!

On the way back to the interstate to head home, I remembered there was another picture I wanted to take for the project, a picture of the hospital and window of the room where I delivered Alfy.  Tony drove around the parking lot with me for about 15 minutes as we tried to decide where our room was from the outside.  The land mark that we used to decide which room was ours was the cemetery across the street.  It's not the same cemetery that Alfy is buried in, but it's right next to it.  The whole time I was in the hospital delivering Alfy, staring out the window I was staring at a cemetery.  Isn't it ironic, don't you think? (cue the Alanis Morisette song)

Anyways, the point to the stories above is to demonstrate how Tony is with me, every step of the way.  While our experiences are unique they are the same.  We can share them with each other.  We've reached a point where we feel comfortable sharing absolutely anything with each other, unafraid of how the other might react or what the other might think, because, at the end of the day, we'll still be there for each other.  I wish I could say we were this way before Alfy, but I don't think we were, at least not on the level we are now.  It's a good thing I have him, because who knows where I would have ended up without him.  He is my rock, my partner and my best friend.  He is the father of my child.  I love him so very much.

Today, six months after saying goodbye to our son, I am so grateful to have Tony next to me. 

I am sad and peaceful today.  Alfy, I love you and I miss you.