It's been a few days since I have written on here. I've had a lot going on this past week and no time to really process it. My sister got married this past weekend and I had to focus to make it through the weekend. It was actually a pretty good weekend. My sister was beautiful. We go to see lots of friends and family and do lots of dancing. I gave my maid-of-honor speech. It was on the fly, but not too bad. I even had one person comment that I was like a professional speaker, pretty good considering that I have a huge fear of public speaking. It was a weekend of focusing on each and every moment so I wouldn't get overwhelmed by the collective whole. I made it through.
On the flip side, there were all kinds of other things going on in my head. Things I have had to shelve for a few days so I could concentrate on my sister and her wedding.
Last Thursday, I received an email from a complete stranger who had read my last post, "Who's in Your Bucket?" I have to admit, at first, I thought, "Is this a joke?" As I kept reading though, it touched me deeply. It brought me to tears, I had to close my door at work and just cry for a little while. I haven't responded to the email yet, but I intend to. I want that person to know what her words meant to me. She has volunteered to get in my bucket and she doesn't even know me. I have friends who won't even talk to me about my bucket (or even talk to me), let alone offer to hop in.
Today I received two more emails. One I believe was a comment and the other one was from a woman who lives in the same city. She is interested in starting a Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope support group here as we don't have one yet. I think I would like to be a part of that. I don't have an email address for the other one but I would like to try to find out how to respond to her as well.
I'm honestly in awe of these women. I don't know that I would have the courage to reach out to a complete stranger. I'm also in awe that anyone has actually read my blog. I don't consider myself all that "deep" or even a very good writer, so I am surprised that anyone has taken the time to read through this. To those who have, thank you. Thank you for taking time to learn more about my son Alfy and me.
It's strange to think that I have been more moved and felt more cared for by strangers than I have by those I considered my closest friends. It's new territory for me. I have no idea how to navigate these new waters.
Both of my "friends" who have avoided my bucket have done things in the past week that I think is their way of reaching out. One sent a text and the other one left me a voicemail I haven't listened to yet (got it while I've been writing). I'm just not sure where they fit right now. They weren't there when I needed them most, they had given up because I was "too hard" or "too complicated" for their happy lives. That is how they have made me feel, whether they meant to or not, and it sucks.
I really don't know how to respond to them. This might seem repetitive but I just don't know what to say or do or even think. There is large part of me that just wants to say "F--- you. Where were you when it was hard?" Another part of me misses them. It feels like a never-ending internal struggle, old vs. new, before vs. after, then vs. now and I don't know how to create balance.
So, I am extremely grateful for the emails I've been receiving. Someone is listening. Someone thinks I'm not too hard or too complicated. Someone is not afraid of me.
On another note, a colleague of mine told me of her pregnancy the Saturday before last. Let's see, she is at 15 weeks this week. I am very grateful that she had the courage to tell me in person, but it hurts. I had been reaching out to her for support and learning about her pregnancy felt like some kind of betrayal. I don't know where to go with this either. She is pregnant, but she has been more brave and supportive of me than most people I know and I don't want to lose that. It's so incredibly valuable and hard to find. But I can barely think of her being pregnant without crying.
There's been a few other things as well that I'm not ready to discuss here, soon, but not today.
So, it's been one of those kind of weeks. As Hannah puts it, I've been navigating my way through a mine field and I'm on the losing end.
Will it ever stop being so hard?
Oh and I've lost track of my pregnancy count, but I think it's somewhere over 40.
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