Confused Grief?

I read an article today, another blog post written for Still Standing Magazine, called the "The Secret Competition in the Baby Loss Club." It helped me understand a bit more what's going on with my own grief and in my own heart currently.

I feel as though my miscarriage (my Anna) and my stillbirth (my Alfy) need to be compared to each other, like a competition. Which one was worse.  Is one more deserving of my grief than the other? Why am I physically and emotionally unable to grieve the same way for both? 

It's infuriating because I don't have an answer, at least not one my heart has been able to accept. I know, logically, that it is okay to grieve however is needed for both. But my heart is confused because it feels less this time. 

I HATE THAT.

I heard Anna's heartbeat, but I never held her, she wasn't birthed from my body in the same way as Alfy. I've just not felt the same connection in my grief. 

AND I HATE THAT.

I feel that I'm not giving as much of me to Anna as I did Alfy, as if somewhere in my twisted logic she isn't deserving of it. But she is. I just don't know how to express it this time around. It's just not the same.

HATE THAT.

Honestly, I almost would have preferred that Anna survived longer and resulted in another stillbirth versus a miscarriage. I would have had more time to connect and I know how to do stillbirth grief already. I'm not sure that it would have been easier, but it would have been familiar.

I HATE THAT TOO.

Who wishes for another stillbirth? I mean really? No one. 

Grief is so confusing at the moment, as if it's not there at times. I hope it is, just hidden under the surface waiting for the right moment to appear. 

That is what Anna deserves from her mother.

Riding Waves of Grief Again

**Post was written Thursday, June 30, just a little late posting it.

Nearly 4 weeks ago, I found out I was pregnant. I was a bit surprised to say the least. I knew it was a remote possibility with my birth control and I had missed some pills so I was waiting for a cycle to occur to start over. Well, apparently that is all it took for me, the missing of a few pills and you know.

Initially, I was mostly in shock. Tony and I had had a brief conversation about kids in the future, but I don't think either one of us thought now was the time. But, as I'm so acutely aware, planning rarely ever goes, well, as planned. So I made an appointment for a week later and we had our first ultrasound. I was a bit off on the estimate of how far a long I might be based on my period, because I hadn't been keeping track. At the first scan I thought it would be close to 8 weeks, but it was closer to 6 weeks.

The week prior, in doing some blood tests, my pregnancy hormone was not rising at quite a normal rate and my progesterone measured a bit on the low side. After the ultrasound, I started Lovenox right away and extra Folic Acid. My OB didn't prescribe extra progesterone, but when I inquired about (on a day she was out) one of the partners did. However, after looking at the side effects (increase risk of blood clots) I figured that was why my OB hadn't prescribed it, so I didn't take it. Nor did I call to inquire about it with my OB. It's a decision I now find myself questioning. Did I miscarry because I didn't take the progesterone supplement? My OB assures me that was not the case and that recent studies have shown that progesterone supplements don't really make a difference. I know my OB is incredibly intelligent and keeps on research so I'm sure she is right, but I still doubt myself. 

Anyways, the first ultrasound showed everything developing normally and we heard a strong heartbeat already, a sound that is like music to my ears. It was decided that I didn't need to come in for another two weeks when I would be closer to what was probably really 8 weeks or so.

During those two weeks, I fell in love, with my child and with our new future. Yes, had pregnancy thrown a wrench in some of my plans, both immediate and long term, sure. I would have to postpone doing a Child Life practicum, I was going to visit wine country about 5 months pregnant, be about 6 months pregnant in the next wedding I was in, have to consider postponing ideas about going to Vegas with one of my dear friends for our 35th birthdays, but that was okay. 

I started focusing, we started focusing, on other things. Tony needed a vehicle that would fit two car seats, the current one would only fit Vinny's, barely. We just bought a queen mattress to put in the other bedroom upstairs. Were we going to save it or sell it to make room for baby's room? How were we going to tell our parents? This weekend, with a new vehicle. "Why did you get a new vehicle? Didn't you just get one?" "Yes, we did but we need more room, surprise! Literally!"

Walking into the doctor's appointment on Monday, again, the last thing on my mind was that anything would be wrong. I had no cramping, no spotting, no indicators that baby was anything but okay. We sat in a patient room waiting for an ultrasound room to open up and talked about how we were going to tell Vinny. We knew we had to wait until we were ready for people to know because he repeats everything and loves to talk about his life, our life, everything going on (most of the time), with people he is comfortable with, a quality I love about him.

We went to the ultrasound room (room 11) this time to do the ultrasound. It was with a specialist I had never seen before. At first she started with measurements and asked if I was 10 weeks and I told her no, I thought we were closer to 8 weeks and that I had been off to begin with. She said everything was measuring normal for 8 weeks. She briefly turned on the sound and I didn't hear the heartbeat. I think I knew at that point, but was desperately hoping otherwise. She kept taking pictures and looking with different views (color, etc.). Two more times she quickly turned off the sound. I told her, "There is no heartbeat is there." It wasn't really a question but more of a statement. She told me she was not sure and wanted to wait for my OB. I already knew. She should have done the pictures last, not while Tony and I was there in agony (something I'll mention to to my OB at my next appointment because at this point, I'm more than willing to share my thoughts).

My OB came in and confirmed the worst. How could this be happening again? How could I be told there is no heartbeat again? We knew it was a small possibility with the lower level of progesterone, but the same thing had happened with Vinny and we made it through. I really thought we would again. Was I ever wrong. It had happened fairly recently too, based on baby's measurement, maybe even that day.

I miscarried on June 27, 2016. Through most of my pregnancy with Alfy I thought his due date was June 29, but the doctors had been going on the date of June 27 and considered that his official due date. My two dead children connected by June 27.

After a few day or two to think, I opted to have a D&C performed. There is a small chance through a chromosome study they might be able to tell us the gender. We weren't quite far enough along for enough of baby's DNA to be measured in my blood (which they can do now, who knew). If there is any remaining tissue, we can have it sent to a funeral home and have it cremated. I'm not sure which I want more, I would love both, but given my luck and current circumstances, that seems like I'm asking for the world, so I'll prepare myself for the worst, no gender and no cremation.

The D&C was today at Methodist Women's Hospital. I had never been treated at the hospital before. Everyone was quite nice and provided their proper condolences, "I'm so sorry you have to be here for this." I wonder if all of the nurses thought I was crazy, I don't think I shed a single tear at the hospital. Every time they would same something about how grief can affect you or talked about some of the resources, I would always answer, "I know or I've done this before." One of the nurses seemed quite gruff at first, kind of a bitch. But I had her after I got out of recovery and grew fond of her in a short amount of time. It was her birthday and she was hoping to get off early to celebrate and was worried about not having a shift the next day to overcrowding. I would have thought I would think those were stupid things to be worried about, but it was nice to have some conversation with her. When she walked me out, another woman in labor walked in. She apologized as she said she normally tries to avoid that, but it couldn't have been helped. She gave me a very sincere hug as I was leaving too, which meant so much to me. I hope she got off early to celebrate her birthday.

Last night, we told Vinny. First we asked him if he remembers who lives in Heaven. He did, first Piper (our cat) and big brother Alfy. We then told him that mommy had a baby in her belly that went to Heaven to be with Alfy, another brother or sister, but we weren't sure which. He kept asking what we call it. For now we just decided on Baby V. He said Baby V is in Heaven, yes, Baby V is in Heaven. 

There is so much that is the same, but so much that is different. A lot of women I know don't talk about their miscarriages, or recognize them in ways that signifies that they had another child. I'm sure for many it's about coping. But for me, I can't do that. I can't pretend I didn't have another child that was growing with me. It's hard, though, because women in my family, who I'm close to, don't talk about their miscarriages. I want to break that norm, maybe they won't accept it, but I hope others will. I hadn't told many people I was pregnant yet, but had been planning to do so after the appointment on Monday. I mean, really why 12 weeks? I think it's a farce, I mean really. As I've found out, my children can die at any time during pregnancy. But, I guess I'll keep my end of the bargain and still tell people.

CTK Update & More

As I should probably always intro my posts, it's been far too long since I've been here. I feel as though I've been hanging on by a thread for the past two months. My job has become mass chaos as I've trained new staff and am working to bring on another one. I'm essentially trying to pull off the job responsibilities of three people and barely getting by. 

Personal life is just as chaotic, although my personal chaos is so much more enjoyable because I get to choose the chaos. We are working on home projects, I'm taking class, again and I have a wonderful soon-to-be two year old running around and repeating words left and right. If only I had more time to choose the at home chaos. I keep thinking, next week at work will be slower, next week I will catch up and inevitably I fall farther and farther behind. I type this all as I plan to be out of the office one day this week and one day next week because I refuse to sacrifice all of my time at home or for myself or my family. I think I owe my family more, but I'm hoping that will come, next week.

In my previous post (back in what, June?) I mentioned that I was taking on a new venture with Count the Kicks. Well, let me tell you what, has that venture reached out and created a life of its own. I was fortunate enough to be put into contact with a woman who runs a program in the Douglas County Health Department (DCHD) called the Baby Blossoms Collaborative (BBC). The BBC is a county collaborative aimed at improving fetal and maternal health in Douglas County by working with various agencies and the Fetal Infant Mortality Review, case review team (FIMR CRT). Stillbirth was finally identified as a hot topic for Douglas County as close to 50% of stillbirths in Douglas County are happening at 28 weeks or later. 

Since my initial meeting with BBC and the Hot Topics committee, I've presented Count the Kicks at the FIMR CRT meeting, discussed information at the BBC quarterly meeting, hosted a booth at the March of Dimes prematurity summit, worked with the DCHD Collaborative Intake staff for visiting nurse associations to give out information, will be presenting to an insurance group that is currently conducting research in central Nebraska on the impact of targeting high risk mothers (high risk as in alcohol dependency, drug dependency, etc.) with specific information relating to their pregnancy and will hopefully be at the Nebraska Perinatal Quality Improvement Collaborative (NPQIC) later in the month.

The response to Count the Kicks has been absolutely overwhelming in such a positive way. There are so many different faces in the healthcare world that see CTK as a benefit to mothers, a way to empower them to take control of their own health and their baby's. For me, it says, "You're baby mattered, Alfy mattered." I know the response I'm receiving in my state is not necessarily the norm and that other CTK ambassadors have faced great challenges in their attempts to move the program forward for mothers in their own states. I feel so thankful that my own state and county (kind of) has embraced this program with such open arms.

We are continuing to work from both a top-down and bottom-up approach to get the information out to everyone, at least in beginning sectors with the hopes of having a large unveiling of the program in Douglas County in the near future. Speaking of, I need to make sure that I keep the ball rolling so an email after this to the DCHD is in order.

In the meantime, I have a little guy at home who will turn 2 on Sunday. I can hardly believe I have a living, breathing child that is almost 2 who runs around the house all day with his train yelling "choo choo" or refers to the cat as the "meow" or the dog as the "wuf wuf" or has a stuffed monkey named "Ah Ha" or tells me to "walk away" when I'm invading his personal space. Seriously, where does the time go? 

Lately I've been feeling crazy feelings of guilt that I don't document his life better. I suck at pictures, I'll be honest, I don't keep a daily journal (hell I can't even blog monthly) and I don't take many videos because I'm usually too lost in the moment. After the moment has passed, I fear it will be the last one or that I'll never remember it again exactly as it was, or at all and all his wonderfulness at that very moment will be lost forever. I know that probably sounds absurd to most thinking there will always be other moments, but sometimes there isn't. And what if that happened, again? And I didn't have a record of the wonderful moments that were here. But, how do I experience, I mean really experience, those wonderful moments if I'm not fully immerse myself in them? If I don't, I feel as if I'm being a half-assed parent, for lack of a better term. That is my daily struggle right now.

I know my struggle stems from losing Alfy and all that I wish I would have done differently, all that I wish I would have documented. One that hurts more than others, I wish I would have had professional photography done by Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. I have some pictures of Alfy, but I can't remember what his little feet looked like or what the top of his head looked like. Did he have hair? That is a question I can't bring my mind, my own memories, to answer. And it hurts my heart every day. 

Ah, the struggles of being a baby loss mom while also parenting a living child.