Happy Birthday Alfy

Alfy's 4th birthday was last week and this post is coming a little late. I realize I've wrote less in the past year than I ever have since having him. I'm not taking the time and there seems to be so little of it.

Last week was much different than previous years. There was not much anxiety leading up to his birthday and I took the day off, as I always will if I'm able. I was almost feeling guilt for thinking I didn't feel sad enough. I didn't cry much and just hung out at home. Maybe I was distracting myself with the mundane? Not sure.

Either way, I can't believe it's been 4 years. It just does not seem possible that it's been 4 years since he entered the world already gone. I think of all the things that have happened in the past 4 years and am somewhat amazed I have survived it. But here I am.

I did a baby fair a little over a week ago for Count the Kicks. I suppose that was my way of celebrating Alfy's birthday without him, try to save a few more babies and mothers, fathers and families from heartache. I recently got some good news about CTK, the Nebraska Perinatal Quality Improvement Collaborative is looking to introduce CTK to all the providers they work and provide the materials to the providers free of charge. I suppose that is a big step considering almost all birthing hospitals in the state work with NPQIC.

Vinny after haircut #2, can't really tell! Alfy's grave at Easter.

Vinny is thriving and doing amazing. He is such a fun kiddo to be a parent to. He inquisitive and silly and loving. At night he tells you, "Sweep Dreams, Mommy" and when you tell him don't let the bed bugs bite, he says, "Okay!" 

We have some moments, going to school lately has been a bit challenging and he has a few fits here and there, but they don't last long and are usually not too dramatic. 

And, he finally seems to have stopped eating things like dog food and cat food. Whew! Overall, he's a joy to parent. My biggest concern at the moment is that I'm able to help him understand who Alfy is, his big brother who died, but also not let Alfy overshadow Vinny and let him be his own little being. I don't want know what's it like to balance the needs and personalities of two living children, but it sure is tough to do with one dead and one living child.

As always, here's to hoping I find more time to write this year about all the things I love and maybe some of things I don't love so much.

Vinny Eating Habits, Kind Of

This post is all for Vinny. I know I don't share him on here as much as I do Alfy and I would like to dedicate time to both. So, without further ado, here is an introduction as to what my 2 year old has eaten in his short life, sounds boring, but wait for it...

- Old, dehydrated bugs found on the floor of a room you haven't been in for a while
- Dog food (a big fan)
- Cat food
- Dog treats (the milk bones)
- Cat treats (no longer allowed to "give" these to the cat, as they never get to her)
- White foam from potting soil
- Cat litter (not in the litter box but some that had spilled out, still gross)
- Dirt
- Rocks 

Those are just a few of the more odd things. It sounds like I never look after my child, but I promise I do. It takes no time at all for him to grab something and then pop it into his mouth. I always go through a series of reactions.

"Oh my God, what did you just eat?" As I frantically try to pry his mouth open.

I usually find it and realize there is now way I'm getting it out of his mouth. "Well, I hope that isn't too horrible for you..."

To not being able to get any of it out and/or watching him swallow. "Alright, we made it through that. Give you some water to rinse it down and keep an eye you." 

Fortunately nothing has come of any of these incidences. 

Things he will not eat, lots of different types of human food. He'll try cat food but there is no way you're getting the kid to eat hot dog. 

Go figure.

CTK Update & More

As I should probably always intro my posts, it's been far too long since I've been here. I feel as though I've been hanging on by a thread for the past two months. My job has become mass chaos as I've trained new staff and am working to bring on another one. I'm essentially trying to pull off the job responsibilities of three people and barely getting by. 

Personal life is just as chaotic, although my personal chaos is so much more enjoyable because I get to choose the chaos. We are working on home projects, I'm taking class, again and I have a wonderful soon-to-be two year old running around and repeating words left and right. If only I had more time to choose the at home chaos. I keep thinking, next week at work will be slower, next week I will catch up and inevitably I fall farther and farther behind. I type this all as I plan to be out of the office one day this week and one day next week because I refuse to sacrifice all of my time at home or for myself or my family. I think I owe my family more, but I'm hoping that will come, next week.

In my previous post (back in what, June?) I mentioned that I was taking on a new venture with Count the Kicks. Well, let me tell you what, has that venture reached out and created a life of its own. I was fortunate enough to be put into contact with a woman who runs a program in the Douglas County Health Department (DCHD) called the Baby Blossoms Collaborative (BBC). The BBC is a county collaborative aimed at improving fetal and maternal health in Douglas County by working with various agencies and the Fetal Infant Mortality Review, case review team (FIMR CRT). Stillbirth was finally identified as a hot topic for Douglas County as close to 50% of stillbirths in Douglas County are happening at 28 weeks or later. 

Since my initial meeting with BBC and the Hot Topics committee, I've presented Count the Kicks at the FIMR CRT meeting, discussed information at the BBC quarterly meeting, hosted a booth at the March of Dimes prematurity summit, worked with the DCHD Collaborative Intake staff for visiting nurse associations to give out information, will be presenting to an insurance group that is currently conducting research in central Nebraska on the impact of targeting high risk mothers (high risk as in alcohol dependency, drug dependency, etc.) with specific information relating to their pregnancy and will hopefully be at the Nebraska Perinatal Quality Improvement Collaborative (NPQIC) later in the month.

The response to Count the Kicks has been absolutely overwhelming in such a positive way. There are so many different faces in the healthcare world that see CTK as a benefit to mothers, a way to empower them to take control of their own health and their baby's. For me, it says, "You're baby mattered, Alfy mattered." I know the response I'm receiving in my state is not necessarily the norm and that other CTK ambassadors have faced great challenges in their attempts to move the program forward for mothers in their own states. I feel so thankful that my own state and county (kind of) has embraced this program with such open arms.

We are continuing to work from both a top-down and bottom-up approach to get the information out to everyone, at least in beginning sectors with the hopes of having a large unveiling of the program in Douglas County in the near future. Speaking of, I need to make sure that I keep the ball rolling so an email after this to the DCHD is in order.

In the meantime, I have a little guy at home who will turn 2 on Sunday. I can hardly believe I have a living, breathing child that is almost 2 who runs around the house all day with his train yelling "choo choo" or refers to the cat as the "meow" or the dog as the "wuf wuf" or has a stuffed monkey named "Ah Ha" or tells me to "walk away" when I'm invading his personal space. Seriously, where does the time go? 

Lately I've been feeling crazy feelings of guilt that I don't document his life better. I suck at pictures, I'll be honest, I don't keep a daily journal (hell I can't even blog monthly) and I don't take many videos because I'm usually too lost in the moment. After the moment has passed, I fear it will be the last one or that I'll never remember it again exactly as it was, or at all and all his wonderfulness at that very moment will be lost forever. I know that probably sounds absurd to most thinking there will always be other moments, but sometimes there isn't. And what if that happened, again? And I didn't have a record of the wonderful moments that were here. But, how do I experience, I mean really experience, those wonderful moments if I'm not fully immerse myself in them? If I don't, I feel as if I'm being a half-assed parent, for lack of a better term. That is my daily struggle right now.

I know my struggle stems from losing Alfy and all that I wish I would have done differently, all that I wish I would have documented. One that hurts more than others, I wish I would have had professional photography done by Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. I have some pictures of Alfy, but I can't remember what his little feet looked like or what the top of his head looked like. Did he have hair? That is a question I can't bring my mind, my own memories, to answer. And it hurts my heart every day. 

Ah, the struggles of being a baby loss mom while also parenting a living child.