Confused Grief?

I read an article today, another blog post written for Still Standing Magazine, called the "The Secret Competition in the Baby Loss Club." It helped me understand a bit more what's going on with my own grief and in my own heart currently.

I feel as though my miscarriage (my Anna) and my stillbirth (my Alfy) need to be compared to each other, like a competition. Which one was worse.  Is one more deserving of my grief than the other? Why am I physically and emotionally unable to grieve the same way for both? 

It's infuriating because I don't have an answer, at least not one my heart has been able to accept. I know, logically, that it is okay to grieve however is needed for both. But my heart is confused because it feels less this time. 

I HATE THAT.

I heard Anna's heartbeat, but I never held her, she wasn't birthed from my body in the same way as Alfy. I've just not felt the same connection in my grief. 

AND I HATE THAT.

I feel that I'm not giving as much of me to Anna as I did Alfy, as if somewhere in my twisted logic she isn't deserving of it. But she is. I just don't know how to express it this time around. It's just not the same.

HATE THAT.

Honestly, I almost would have preferred that Anna survived longer and resulted in another stillbirth versus a miscarriage. I would have had more time to connect and I know how to do stillbirth grief already. I'm not sure that it would have been easier, but it would have been familiar.

I HATE THAT TOO.

Who wishes for another stillbirth? I mean really? No one. 

Grief is so confusing at the moment, as if it's not there at times. I hope it is, just hidden under the surface waiting for the right moment to appear. 

That is what Anna deserves from her mother.

Extraordinary Connections of My Children

**Written on Monday, June 18**

Yesterday on the way home from church, we passed a cemetery. Vinny saw it and said, "There's Alfy." It wasn't actually Alfy's cemetery which I sort of explained to him but it didn't really matter. He will forever associate cemeteries with his brother, Alfy (and our cat Piper, who he also mentioned:). 

He then proceeded to ask about Baby Vinny, who is Baby V, who is now Anna June. We told Vinny that Baby Vinny was a girl and that she is Heaven too. He insists on calling her Baby Vinny, which is fine. But, what really opened my heart was his words after we tried to explain her name.

"Baby Vinny (Anna June), she loves me." 

Pointing at me with a huge smile on his face, "She loves you too!"

Do children have a connection to our dead loved ones that we do not? I've read about it, (like the book 'Heaven is for Real') and have even thought Vinny might dream of Alfy at times when he wakes up talking about him, but had not experienced it in such a profound way before. It's as if Vinny has already talked to her in his dreams or in some world that I, as an adult, cannot let go enough to enter. 

I hope he is connected that way. I hope he knows his siblings at a level that is beyond me. 

Our Newest Family Member - Anna June

**Written last Friday, July 15 - Apparently I have commitment fears/issues with publishing info about right away these days.**

I spoke with my doctor yesterday. She had gotten the results back from the genetic testing. 

I was very surprised to find out that they were able to determine the gender of the baby. The doctors found two X chromosomes, we were going to have a girl, we had a baby girl. 

It's been so hard to figure out grief and the celebration of life this time around (as if it weren't the last time). I feel most of society doesn't even consider the collections of cells that are my baby at 8 weeks, an actual baby, just a pregnancy. Some abstract term that makes it easier to bare if it dies. I think I even fall into those traps at times. 

But no, I had a baby, even if only for a mere 8 weeks past conception.

Her name is Anna June.

For me, for Tony, Vinny and Alfy, there is another baby. Alfy now has a sister in Heaven and Vinny has two siblings in Heaven, a brother, Alfy, and a sister, Anna.

I am at odds on how to begin to incorporate her into our world. I'm not even sure if there is enough of her to cremate after sending her off to figure out who she is. And if there is, Tony is insistent on finding a final resting place for her. I understand the desire, but if we bury her at Alfy's plot, there is nothing to signify that she is there too, other than some disturbed grass. At least in an urn, it's a physical piece that says she was and is here, part of our family. Either way, I'm sure we will find something that works, but it looks so very different.

I didn't give birth this time around either, which makes me question if June 27 can even be considered a birthday. I could have waited, and had a miscarriage at home, which is the equivalent of giving birth, just very early in pregnancy. But had I done that, I would not know Anna was a she, just a collection of cells that formed the early beginnings of our baby.

Instead, I opted for a D&E, I suppose the equivalent of an early c-section? I don't know. It's all different.

With Alfy, I consider April 6 his birthday and that is when I celebrate his birth. But with Anna, she would have been due the beginning of February and that is when I feel I will celebrate her, but how to do you incorporate that onto a marker in the cemetery? I have no idea. I don't know anyone who has done it.

There is just so much, new uncharted territory. I hate that we are experiencing this again and that it's so different. I never want my children to die, but I understand stillbirth more than I do miscarriage at this point. I suppose that is changing. 

I am open to ideas and suggestions from those that have been here as well.