As I should probably always intro my posts, it's been far too long since I've been here. I feel as though I've been hanging on by a thread for the past two months. My job has become mass chaos as I've trained new staff and am working to bring on another one. I'm essentially trying to pull off the job responsibilities of three people and barely getting by.
Personal life is just as chaotic, although my personal chaos is so much more enjoyable because I get to choose the chaos. We are working on home projects, I'm taking class, again and I have a wonderful soon-to-be two year old running around and repeating words left and right. If only I had more time to choose the at home chaos. I keep thinking, next week at work will be slower, next week I will catch up and inevitably I fall farther and farther behind. I type this all as I plan to be out of the office one day this week and one day next week because I refuse to sacrifice all of my time at home or for myself or my family. I think I owe my family more, but I'm hoping that will come, next week.
In my previous post (back in what, June?) I mentioned that I was taking on a new venture with Count the Kicks. Well, let me tell you what, has that venture reached out and created a life of its own. I was fortunate enough to be put into contact with a woman who runs a program in the Douglas County Health Department (DCHD) called the Baby Blossoms Collaborative (BBC). The BBC is a county collaborative aimed at improving fetal and maternal health in Douglas County by working with various agencies and the Fetal Infant Mortality Review, case review team (FIMR CRT). Stillbirth was finally identified as a hot topic for Douglas County as close to 50% of stillbirths in Douglas County are happening at 28 weeks or later.
Since my initial meeting with BBC and the Hot Topics committee, I've presented Count the Kicks at the FIMR CRT meeting, discussed information at the BBC quarterly meeting, hosted a booth at the March of Dimes prematurity summit, worked with the DCHD Collaborative Intake staff for visiting nurse associations to give out information, will be presenting to an insurance group that is currently conducting research in central Nebraska on the impact of targeting high risk mothers (high risk as in alcohol dependency, drug dependency, etc.) with specific information relating to their pregnancy and will hopefully be at the Nebraska Perinatal Quality Improvement Collaborative (NPQIC) later in the month.
The response to Count the Kicks has been absolutely overwhelming in such a positive way. There are so many different faces in the healthcare world that see CTK as a benefit to mothers, a way to empower them to take control of their own health and their baby's. For me, it says, "You're baby mattered, Alfy mattered." I know the response I'm receiving in my state is not necessarily the norm and that other CTK ambassadors have faced great challenges in their attempts to move the program forward for mothers in their own states. I feel so thankful that my own state and county (kind of) has embraced this program with such open arms.
We are continuing to work from both a top-down and bottom-up approach to get the information out to everyone, at least in beginning sectors with the hopes of having a large unveiling of the program in Douglas County in the near future. Speaking of, I need to make sure that I keep the ball rolling so an email after this to the DCHD is in order.
In the meantime, I have a little guy at home who will turn 2 on Sunday. I can hardly believe I have a living, breathing child that is almost 2 who runs around the house all day with his train yelling "choo choo" or refers to the cat as the "meow" or the dog as the "wuf wuf" or has a stuffed monkey named "Ah Ha" or tells me to "walk away" when I'm invading his personal space. Seriously, where does the time go?
Lately I've been feeling crazy feelings of guilt that I don't document his life better. I suck at pictures, I'll be honest, I don't keep a daily journal (hell I can't even blog monthly) and I don't take many videos because I'm usually too lost in the moment. After the moment has passed, I fear it will be the last one or that I'll never remember it again exactly as it was, or at all and all his wonderfulness at that very moment will be lost forever. I know that probably sounds absurd to most thinking there will always be other moments, but sometimes there isn't. And what if that happened, again? And I didn't have a record of the wonderful moments that were here. But, how do I experience, I mean really experience, those wonderful moments if I'm not fully immerse myself in them? If I don't, I feel as if I'm being a half-assed parent, for lack of a better term. That is my daily struggle right now.
I know my struggle stems from losing Alfy and all that I wish I would have done differently, all that I wish I would have documented. One that hurts more than others, I wish I would have had professional photography done by Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. I have some pictures of Alfy, but I can't remember what his little feet looked like or what the top of his head looked like. Did he have hair? That is a question I can't bring my mind, my own memories, to answer. And it hurts my heart every day.
Ah, the struggles of being a baby loss mom while also parenting a living child.
Tuesday, September 8, 2015
Monday, June 15, 2015
A New Venture
I'm starting a new venture this week, well actually I started it a few months ago. Have you ever heard of, "Count the Kicks?" If not, you should look at it.
It is an amazing organization started by 5 mothers in Des Moines, IA, who all lost daughters within months of each other, 4 to stillbirth and 1 right after birth. They created a foundation to honor their daughters, the "Health Birth Day Foundation," and from there they have created Count the Kicks.
Cue me, sort of.
I happened upon them on a FB post in a support group I belong to. I saw they were doing an event in Des Moines, IA, only hours away and it piqued my interest. I sent a tentative inquire email to the organization on what they were about. Shortly after, I received an email from one of the founders, Kate Safris, asking if I wanted to attend an ambassador training to become the ambassador for Nebraska. I said I have no idea what that means but that I was in.
After the training, I felt completely overwhelmed and had no idea to start, so I just took a step back. Well, last week Count the Kicks was contacted by a group in Omaha wanting to know if someone would be available to come speak about Count the Kicks, cue me!
It will be my first time representing Count the Kicks and I'm terrified and pumped all at the same time. Finally, I feel as if I am a part of something that will truly honor my son's short life and death.
However, on a frustrating note, I did receive another email from the group that will also be hosting a meeting with information on SUIDS/SIDS as there has been a slight uptick in those deaths this past year in our area.
I wonder if they have ever looked at stillbirth that closely, I would venture to guess no. I wish I could say I thought it might be different, but my heart says no. I would also be willing to bet they don't have a full vision of how many stillbirths there are each year compared to SIDS deaths, almost 10 times as many. It doesn't make SIDS any less important or stillbirth less important, but it does demonstrate how much focus is placed on one (SIDS) and not the other (stillbirth).
I'm hoping i can keep my emotions, mainly my anger at this fact, in check on Wednesday. I want to be someone who helps bring attention to stillbirth research and prevention, not one who hinders it.
I will let you know how it goes later this week. Wish me luck!
It is an amazing organization started by 5 mothers in Des Moines, IA, who all lost daughters within months of each other, 4 to stillbirth and 1 right after birth. They created a foundation to honor their daughters, the "Health Birth Day Foundation," and from there they have created Count the Kicks.
Cue me, sort of.
I happened upon them on a FB post in a support group I belong to. I saw they were doing an event in Des Moines, IA, only hours away and it piqued my interest. I sent a tentative inquire email to the organization on what they were about. Shortly after, I received an email from one of the founders, Kate Safris, asking if I wanted to attend an ambassador training to become the ambassador for Nebraska. I said I have no idea what that means but that I was in.
After the training, I felt completely overwhelmed and had no idea to start, so I just took a step back. Well, last week Count the Kicks was contacted by a group in Omaha wanting to know if someone would be available to come speak about Count the Kicks, cue me!
It will be my first time representing Count the Kicks and I'm terrified and pumped all at the same time. Finally, I feel as if I am a part of something that will truly honor my son's short life and death.
However, on a frustrating note, I did receive another email from the group that will also be hosting a meeting with information on SUIDS/SIDS as there has been a slight uptick in those deaths this past year in our area.
I wonder if they have ever looked at stillbirth that closely, I would venture to guess no. I wish I could say I thought it might be different, but my heart says no. I would also be willing to bet they don't have a full vision of how many stillbirths there are each year compared to SIDS deaths, almost 10 times as many. It doesn't make SIDS any less important or stillbirth less important, but it does demonstrate how much focus is placed on one (SIDS) and not the other (stillbirth).
I'm hoping i can keep my emotions, mainly my anger at this fact, in check on Wednesday. I want to be someone who helps bring attention to stillbirth research and prevention, not one who hinders it.
I will let you know how it goes later this week. Wish me luck!
Monday, April 6, 2015
Letters to Alfy, 3rd Birthday
Dear Alfy,
Happy 3rd birthday in Heaven, by dear, sweet son. I am missing you so terribly today. I miss you everyday, but today, it touches a place that I cannot describe. My arms ache to hold you. My ears are deaf with silence instead of filled with your laughter. I miss you so much.
Dad and I think of you often. Your toybox sits on the living room, filled with the things we have for you. I will add your 3rd birthday card to it today. Don't be upset, I don't ever write in them, I'm not sure why, but it just feels better to leave them as they are for you.
We are trying to teach your brother about you. I want to know his older brother is watching over him. I think you two would have been very different. I think you would have been much like Dad, dark olive skin, dark, dark brown hair and a smile that would light up the room. I think you would have been a bit more outgoing and a charmer, up for anything and a fantastic story teller. Your brother, well, he got my hair and light skin and is so much like me at times it's scary, shy and slow to warm up, stubborn, picky when it comes to food, but also full of love for those he cares about (as I'm sure you would be too). I wish you were both here to fill our home with your laughter and shouts and occasional fights. But, because you are not here to do those things, we will do our best to fill our home with you in other ways.
I'm going to try to start on some new adventures this year, adventures inspired by you and for you. I'll keep you posted on them, although I suspect you always know what's happening.
I hope all of our family is taking good care of you and really have no doubt they are.
I love you, soooo much.
Mom
Happy 3rd birthday in Heaven, by dear, sweet son. I am missing you so terribly today. I miss you everyday, but today, it touches a place that I cannot describe. My arms ache to hold you. My ears are deaf with silence instead of filled with your laughter. I miss you so much.
Dad and I think of you often. Your toybox sits on the living room, filled with the things we have for you. I will add your 3rd birthday card to it today. Don't be upset, I don't ever write in them, I'm not sure why, but it just feels better to leave them as they are for you.
We are trying to teach your brother about you. I want to know his older brother is watching over him. I think you two would have been very different. I think you would have been much like Dad, dark olive skin, dark, dark brown hair and a smile that would light up the room. I think you would have been a bit more outgoing and a charmer, up for anything and a fantastic story teller. Your brother, well, he got my hair and light skin and is so much like me at times it's scary, shy and slow to warm up, stubborn, picky when it comes to food, but also full of love for those he cares about (as I'm sure you would be too). I wish you were both here to fill our home with your laughter and shouts and occasional fights. But, because you are not here to do those things, we will do our best to fill our home with you in other ways.
I'm going to try to start on some new adventures this year, adventures inspired by you and for you. I'll keep you posted on them, although I suspect you always know what's happening.
I hope all of our family is taking good care of you and really have no doubt they are.
I love you, soooo much.
Mom
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
Nearly 3 Years
Checking in, can't sleep. I've realized that I will never be one of those people who can maintain a blog on a regular basis. My writing will come out sporadically and if I have to write, like at work sometimes. Oh well, I can live with that.
But, I think it's nice to check in once in a while.
We are less than two weeks out from Alfy's third birthday. I can hardly believe it, 3 years. Where has the time gone? In addition to Alfy being gone for almost 3 years, he has a little brother who is already 1 1/2 years old, Vinny. I love both boys so much.
I constantly live in this paradoxical existence, of being so happy in the present with Vinny, watching him grow and learn, making him laugh, enjoying life with him. But there is this other side, a sad and mournful side that is always lurking, not in a bad way, but just there under the surface. Sometimes I don't even notice it anymore. I feel guilty when that happens. Am I forgetting about Alfy?
It's amazing what the last three years have brought. Two beautiful boys, one who is not here, one who is and so much love in my heart for both.
But, I think it's nice to check in once in a while.
We are less than two weeks out from Alfy's third birthday. I can hardly believe it, 3 years. Where has the time gone? In addition to Alfy being gone for almost 3 years, he has a little brother who is already 1 1/2 years old, Vinny. I love both boys so much.
I constantly live in this paradoxical existence, of being so happy in the present with Vinny, watching him grow and learn, making him laugh, enjoying life with him. But there is this other side, a sad and mournful side that is always lurking, not in a bad way, but just there under the surface. Sometimes I don't even notice it anymore. I feel guilty when that happens. Am I forgetting about Alfy?
It's amazing what the last three years have brought. Two beautiful boys, one who is not here, one who is and so much love in my heart for both.
Sunday, November 23, 2014
Whirlwind Month
It's been a while. I'm sure you've noticed, I did not finish the Capture Your Grief project. I was gung-ho at first but started to fade. The past month has been a whirlwind in our household.
We've sold our house, twice, and have lost both contracts for reasons beyond our control. We are now hoping to be at sell number three, I really hope third time is a charm. To keep a home show-ready with two full-time working adults and a one year old who loves to touch/lick everything is nearly impossible, but somehow we've managed. We've even gotten comments on how nice our home is, who knew?
But...I'm ready for it to be done. We have a home that is waiting for us, we just need to get there. I'm ready to live with all of our stuff again, especially the remnants of Alfy, his toybox and the photos of his gravestone. It feels like we aren't representing our whole family during this sale. On the other hand, knowing what I do about people and how surface level they are, I can't imagine prospective buyers wanting to look at a photo of a child's gravestone as they walk through our home. With that end, though, all photos in our home are gone right now. Ready for them to be back.
I will miss this home terribly. There are so many important memories held in these walls. There is an irrational part of me that feels like the walls will hold on to the memories I so desperately want to keep. Vinny's and Alfy's room will be the hardest to clear and leave. That room holds more emotion and has seen me at rock bottom and on top of the world. I will miss our deck too, especially sitting on the steps. And our kitchen, and the living room and our bedroom. All of it. It has been such a wonderful home for our family. I hope the next to move in will treat it with the respect, care and love it deserves.
And...I really want to be done with this whole house selling process. It really kind of sucks, in case you haven't been through it.
Oh, and thanks for sticking with me. I will probably continue to be sporadic on this site. I just don't make blogging a priority right now. That's okay by me, but I don't plan on disappearing completely:)
We've sold our house, twice, and have lost both contracts for reasons beyond our control. We are now hoping to be at sell number three, I really hope third time is a charm. To keep a home show-ready with two full-time working adults and a one year old who loves to touch/lick everything is nearly impossible, but somehow we've managed. We've even gotten comments on how nice our home is, who knew?
But...I'm ready for it to be done. We have a home that is waiting for us, we just need to get there. I'm ready to live with all of our stuff again, especially the remnants of Alfy, his toybox and the photos of his gravestone. It feels like we aren't representing our whole family during this sale. On the other hand, knowing what I do about people and how surface level they are, I can't imagine prospective buyers wanting to look at a photo of a child's gravestone as they walk through our home. With that end, though, all photos in our home are gone right now. Ready for them to be back.
I will miss this home terribly. There are so many important memories held in these walls. There is an irrational part of me that feels like the walls will hold on to the memories I so desperately want to keep. Vinny's and Alfy's room will be the hardest to clear and leave. That room holds more emotion and has seen me at rock bottom and on top of the world. I will miss our deck too, especially sitting on the steps. And our kitchen, and the living room and our bedroom. All of it. It has been such a wonderful home for our family. I hope the next to move in will treat it with the respect, care and love it deserves.
And...I really want to be done with this whole house selling process. It really kind of sucks, in case you haven't been through it.
Oh, and thanks for sticking with me. I will probably continue to be sporadic on this site. I just don't make blogging a priority right now. That's okay by me, but I don't plan on disappearing completely:)
Monday, October 20, 2014
Capture Your Grief, Day 18: Gratitude
Day 18:
I am a bit behind and have missed a few posts. But I wanted to share that I am so grateful to have this amazingly by my side. He threw me for a bit of a loop this past week, but we made it through and I hope to be fortunate enough to grow old with him. Love you Tony.
I will probably not get every post from this point forward but I'm okay with that. Not all of the topics have spoke to me or they have and I don't have the energy to commit to them right now.
Either way, please forgive me for skipping days here and there.
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
Capture Your Grief, Day 15: Community
Day 15:
We happened to be in the hospital this year with my husband. Luckily, the hospital gift shop had a battery powered candle. The light even flickered. This candle is for Alfy and all the other young souls gone too soon. I love you little man.
Peace to all moms and dads tonight that have become a part of this community.
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