Bloggin - Week 2

Trying to blog once a week is going to be harder than I thought.  It's not that I don't have anything going on, I'm just not sure that anyone wants to hear about it, cue self-doubt and no confidence (both have been creeping, no, storming, their way back into my life lately).  

I had a friend tell me of her second pregnancy.  It kind of hit me like a bombshell.  She had her first child 5 months after I had Alfy.  I've had my second child, so it's to be expected that others people I know will start having their second, third, fourth, whatever child.  It still catches me off guard and it still seems terribly unfair.  More of the "I'm so excited, we're expecting, how are we gonna announce it to family, friends, on Facebook? Can't wait for the shower! Never crosses my mind something could go wrong" naive outlook I am profoundly jealous of and can stand with any of my being all at the same time. 

Sigh.

Speaking of second children, I haven't written much about Vinny, but I think that will change as I go along.  He had some major milestones the past couple of weeks.  He is now 6 months and 2 weeks old.  Last week he figured out how to hold his bottle on his own (and balance it on his belly at school for efficiency) and last night he rolled over.  I was a little worried rolling was never going to come as he HATES tummy time.  But, I just kept telling myself it's okay, he's working at his own pace, and he was.  He also got his first major ouchie today.  While one of his teachers was getting the bumbo straps out of the way (does a bumbo seriously need straps?) he slid face first off her knee onto the floor.  No major damage, just a bright red, skinned nose to make him look like Rudolph.  He is a wonderful little being.  If you want someone to put a smile on your face, even at 6am (or earlier on rare occasion), he's the guy to do it.  He wakes up chattering and so excited to see you and be awake again, almost every day.  It's incredible.  

Well, it's time to go do a bath, an event that is lots of fun in our house (for real, he loves it!).

Goal for Blogging

We started a blog at my work.  I have volunteered to write for it, although I don't yet know about what.  It's nice because the posts will be spread among many of us.  My colleague who is spear-heading the project made a comment that if you never post on your blog, no one will follow it.  I think that is probably where this blog is at.  I never post, so why would anyone follow it.  

I am going to make a new goal for myself.  For the next two months, I am going to post at least once per week, even if it's about nothing in particular and only contains two or three sentences, or even one. 

But I am going to post.  

I want to make more connections through this and that's not going to happen by it sitting here with no new posts.

Here's my post for this week :)  Off to a good start ;)

Missing My Sons

Monday was my first day back to work.  Everyone told me it would be so hard, that there would be tears, that I would cry all the way to work.

The day was an adjustment, but I didn't feel it was too hard.  I waited for the tears to come, but they didn't.

That night I was driving home after my group and the tears finally came.

But they weren't for Vinny.

They were for Alfy.

You see, a few hours of missing my living, breathing, second son pales in comparison to the lifetime of missing my first son.  

Signs

Do you believe in signs?  I do, but hadn't experienced any in quite some time.  The last significant sign I can remember (prior to the ones I'm about to share) was witnessing a halo around the sun last summer when out on the lake fishing in the TOY.  

My husband and I had our first date night out this past Saturday since having Vinny.  We went to dinner and then went and saw the movie "Gravity," in 3D nonetheless (this was a mistake but highly recommended!).  

SPOILER ALERT!

In the movie, Sandra Bullock's character shares a story of how her 4 year old daughter died after a head trauma that occurred on the playground at recess.  As the story continues, George Clooney's characters tells Sandra's character that the loss of her child is as bad as it gets and that she can survive the precarious situation she is in.  In the end of the film, Sandra sends a prayer to God and George's character (an intercession if you will) and describes her daughter to him and asks that he give her a big hug.  I was in tears at this point.  Well, after the movie is over and the credits start rolling, guess what the director/producer's first name is? 

Alfonso.

I think he was reminding me that he's always with me.

I also need to add my experience the following morning.  We were sitting in church and I was staring at the diaper bag.  The front of it is designed to look like a schedule of a band's touring schedule in the 1970's.  There is a list of dates on the front.  I've stared at the bag many times now.  However, when looking at it on Sunday, I realized the dates were listed as DD/MM/YEAR (I know this because one of the dates listed was 22/4), not MM/DD/YEAR as I had assumed.  Guess what date was on that list.

April 6, Alfy's birthday.

I love it when my son pops up in the most unexpected ways.  

A New One to Think of

Friday, September 13, Vincent Anthony, our second son, arrive at 7:36am in the morning via c-section.  He weighed 8 lbs. 9 oz. and was 20.5 inches long.  He was/is perfect.  I am still a little in awe and shock that I survived 39 weeks of pregnancy.  I am still in awe and shock that he survived 39 weeks of pregnancy.  But he did, and I am so grateful for that.

Today is day three on our own.  It has been a rough transition for me.  The first week at home, Tony was around to support me, me him, us Vinny and so on.  It was a tough first week, but having Tony by my side made all the difference in the world.  I wish he was able to take more time, as I hope he does too.  But, unfortunately that is not a culture that we are a part of.  Dad's rarely are afforded the same time mom's are and that is a shame.  Having a little person rely on you for almost every basic need is tough work, which I expected.

I think this first week on our own has been made tougher by past experiences.  I've been taken back to a year and a half ago time and time again in the past three days.  The weather has been very similar to spring weather after we had Alfy.  We had the windows open and it would get cool at night and hot during the day.  I still find it fascinating that temperature and weather can have such a profound effect on me.  I feel as though I haven't moved from our couch in a week and a half, another experience I had after Alfy (at least after having Alfy I made it to bed at night, I don't even do that at the moment).  I routinely find myself in the same clothes day in and day out (though I did manage to change today).  I feel the hormones on overload that can cause me to spring in to tears at the smallest concern.  I felt as though I've experienced it all before, and I suppose I have. 

I am finding myself caught between great moments of sadness and joy on a constant basis.  With every smile caught in a sleepy moment, every snuggle on the couch, every look of awe and wonder I am overjoyed that we are experiencing them.  In those moments I am also reminded of how much we really lost when we lost Alfy.  We lost an entire lifetime of moments.  And with Vinny, we've gained an entire lifetime of moments.  

How bittersweet life is.

Tummy Touches

I think I've mentioned a time or two that I really hate when other people touch my stomach.  I mean, really?  Just because there is a life growing in there does not give you the right to invade my personal space.  I struggled with it when I was pregnant with Alfy and I've really struggled with it with this pregnancy.  My stomach is what I would consider the most delicate part of me, the part of me that let me down with Alfy, so any unnecessary touches, pokes, etc. just add to my anxiety.  What if you, as someone who has no right to it in the first place, somehow causes something to go wrong in this sacred place I have?  I can think of many, many times when someone has come up to me and just put their hand on my stomach.  Just STOP.  It's not cute, or comforting, or sweet, or caring.  It's uncomfortable, and rude, and invasive.  If you feel you must, always ask first.  If it's me, I will tell you no, but appreciate that at least you asked.

Despite my strong feelings on stomach touching, there were two times when another person (outside of Tony) touched my stomach that I actually found quite endearing, and they both happened in the same day.  The first one was my nephew, who is just about 18 months.  We were all visiting my parents and he was practicing walking up and down the stairs on their deck (not stairs to be taken lightly, old wood with little railing).  I was waiting at the bottom for him.  When he got to the bottom step, he stared at my belly and reached his hand out, but I was too far away.  He climbed all the way down and put his little hand on my stomach for just a moment and looked at me.  Just a moment, then he went about playing and practicing stairs.  That one moment was all he needed and he was satisfied.  I like to think that maybe Alfy was whispering in his ear at the moment, to do something he wasn't here to do himself.

The other moment was shortly thereafter.  A good friend of mine was also home and stopped by with her two boys, 3 and 5.  The 3 year old at one point was practicing his karate skills on the back of my leg.  My friend asked him to stop and proceeded to tell him about the baby in my stomach and that he needed to be very careful, so he did just as mom asked.  A while later, the 5 year old, was getting a bit rowdy as we were playing, nothing I couldn't handle.  But, his little brother came to my aid.  He put one hand on my stomach and the other on his brother, positioned himself in the middle and told him to stop.  His concern was so genuine.  What a caring little man.  My friend has done an excellent job with her boys.  I hope they continue down the paths they are on:)

Now, back to everyone else (except Tony), do NOT touch my stomach.  It is not yours and is an incredible invasion of personal space.  

Able to Share?

Looking at all the blogs I follow, there seems to be an absence of updates.  If they are anything like me, they're probably at a point in their grief/life/pregnancy that seems almost impossible to share with others.  That is where I am.  At a point where I don't know how to share.  

Although, I did come across something, not about me personally, but something I read that touched me.  I was reading through the obituaries and I came across one of a gentleman who died in his mid-fifties.  In the obit, it included those who had passed before him, which is customary.  The list of family members included his parents, grandparents, what one might expect.  But then, there was another name followed by the description of who it was, his infant brother who had passed.  I had to read it a few times, but it brought a smile to my face and some peace to my heart.

That's all I have to share for now.