Supposed to...

I have been working on Alfy's story.  I think I have made it through the doctor's appointment but haven't gotten past that yet.  Journaling has been very therapeutic for me but I found that it's been hard for me to write here without having his story completed.  I have written his story in my journal but it's not as detailed as the one I'm writing here.  I started it Saturday when I was full of energy and strength.  I should have continued to work on it on Sunday, another day full of energy and strength.  I had planned on finishing his story yesterday, but yesterday sucked.  It was like crashing after a major sugar high.  I had no energy, no motivation and was extremely sad. It was the first day of the summer camp I normally run.  I hope the day went well.  I was supposed to be there for the first day.  I was supposed to be there for the first four weeks of camp, give or take a week.  My due date was the end of June.  I was NOT supposed to be there during the month of July.  I will be now though.  That makes me sad. I love my job, but it is going to be very hard to be there when I wasn't supposed to be.  That is how I think now, how things were supposed to be.  I was supposed to be 36 weeks pregnant right now, with swollen legs and feet.  I was supposed to be coming home from work every day exhausted.  I was supposed to be finishing Alfy's room.  I was supposed to be preparing to become a traditional mom, not a baby loss mom (a term I have found in several blogs and on several websites).  I could go on and on about the things I was supposed to be doing, but instead I will start doing the things I need to do today.  As time goes on, I think the supposed to's will lessen, but they won't ever go away and that's okay.  They keep me connected to my son.

On another quick note, I have been thinking about all of those sayings that you are supposed to take each and every day and make the most of it, right now I don't believe in those sayings or maybe I just have an extremely skewed view of what making the most of each day is.  Yesterday, the most I could make of the day was to get through it.  I've found that I don't know what the most of each day is until I get to the end of it.