Capture Your Grief, Day 13: Season

Day 13: Season

Alfy was born in the spring, a time when everything is so full life. I find it almost cruel his life was taken, when everything else was being given so much. The day we found out he had died, it had been beautiful. I wore capris and a light sweater that day, which was a bit of an oddity as it usually isn't quite that warm in early April. But I live in a state where you never know what you will get. I don't have a picture from that spring with me right now. But, here is one from this past spring, taken 2 years and 6 days after he was born. In this photo you'll notice the trees are still barren. They weren't like that two years ago, quite the opposite actually. They were full and beautiful. The trees are much like my grief, ever changing and never knowing quite what it will be like.

Capture Your Grief, Day 12: Music

Day 12: Music

This song, "Just Breathe" by Pearl Jam is one of my favorite songs of all time.  

m.youtube.com/watch?v=kuq7RYQ8Wa0  

It reminds me of the great life I lost, Alfy's. Every time I listen to this song I tear up and/or cry. It's absolutely beautiful. In honor of Alfy and seeing Pearl Jam live in concert just this past Thursday, I will leave you with a quote from Eddie Vedder. He said this at Thursday's concert, "[Live] in Grace before you're forced to." I feel as though us, in the loss community, have already been forced to reach this milestone, whether we did before (lived in Grace) or not no longer matters, we are here now.

Capture Your Grief, Day 8: Resources

Day 8: Resources 

Like so many of you, there are many resources for me to share. I took photos from 2 that were very important to me early on but there are many I feel I should mention. 

1. The Nursing staff at Bergan Mercy Hospital

2. The kind soul who helped us pick out a permanent place of rest for our son

3. The many online resources, Faces of Loss Faces of Hope, CarlyMarie, Still Standing Magazine, Sufficient Grace Ministries, Still life with circles and a host of other blogs and sites

4. The Centering Corporation dedicated solely to grief

5. Hannah Mirmiran-I have no idea where I would be in my grief journey without her. She has been a confidant, a source of strength and has taught me to be kind to myself. She is the single greatest resource I have found in my grief journey and I am forever grateful I found her.

Capture Your Grief, Day 5: Journal, Day 6: Books

Note: I didn't realize this didn't publish on Sunday, when I originally wrote it. Technology...

Today, day 5 and day 6, are being written together. I took a glorious nap yesterday when I had planned to blog. It was much needed and well with it:) Thus, two days combined into one. 

Day 5: Journal

I didn't have the energy to write or journal yesterday as suggested. Instead, here is a picture of the journal that I wrote in quite frequently after Alfy died. I haven't gone back and read any of it yet, one day I will, at a time when I need to feel the raw emotion of his death again.

Day 6: Book(s)

I couldn't choose just one book or even one type of book. So I am including all books that have held significance for me in some form since Alfy's death. 

First up, The Hunger Games. I read one book each day one week (whole trilogy in 3 days). It was the first time I remember escaping from the deep sadness and emptiness I was feeling during the fresh grief. 

Next up, Wherever You Are My Love Will Find You, by Nancy Tillman. I bought this for Alfy a few months after he died. I took it to the cemetery and read it to him, lots.

Next came Celebrating Pregnancy Again by none other than Francesca Cox. A friend gave this to me shortly after finding out I was pregnant. I read this shortly after finding out I was pregnant with Alfy's brother, Vinny. 

Finally, Someone Came Before You, by Pat Schwiebert. I received this from a friend about one month before Vinny was due. It was the one of the most amazing and thoughtful gift I've ever received.

Capture Your Grief, Day 7: Sacred Place

Day 7: Sacred Place 

The cemetery is where I feel closest to Alfy. He is in a beautiful part of the cemetery underneath a huge tree and on a large hill with few others around. I can go there and sit for what feels like hours. When my grief becomes overwhelming I can go to the cemetery and it brings a peace to my whole body, mind and soul.

When we had Alfy's brother, Vinny, the cemetery was the first place we went after leaving the hospital. (It's actually just down the street from where I delivered both boys.) We did a family picture there. Each month, the cemetery is where we would do Vinny's "I'm one month older" pic. 

It's a beautiful place full of lots of love. 

Photo taken from the road after a large branch had fallen near Alfy's grave. 

Tony and I will one day make our final resting places about where that large branch is, right next to Alfy. 

Capture Your Grief, Day 4: Now

Really not doing a good job keeping up, maybe tomorrow? :)

I had a hard time picking a picture to show today. I finally decided on the one below. It is me with Alfy's little brother, Vinny. It is one in a serious of silly selfies we took one afternoon just for fun. I wasn't sure I would ever be able to be silly again after losing Alfy, but I am. I am a lot of things, silly, happy, sad, worn, content but always in complete. I am a very different person now and I have come to appreciate and be at peace with the new me. It's true what they say, you don't really know the true joys of love until you have felt the greatest depths of sorrow.

This picture also shows me after having chopped a good 8 inches of my hair. For the longest time after having Alfy, I couldn't bare to change me, including cutting my hair. Now, I have donate a ponytail, twice. I know it's probably a weird thing to be attached to, but it was the hair that was with me when Alfy was with me. 

Anyways, here is to who I am now. 

Capture You Grief, Day 3: Before

So I'm a bit late in this post, only by 10 hours and I'm still doing it. 

Day 3 we have been asked to find. Picture that represents us before I loss. I chose a picture that occurred before I became pregnant with Alfy. It shows a me that was carefree and happy. There were no major worries and my soul had not yet been ripped apart. It was a a naive time that I have no desire to go back to. But I wouldn't change who I was at that time either. All of the experiences and who I once was have shaped who I am today. 

More on that in Day 4's post.