Capture Your Grief, Day 1: Sunrise

I have done a very poor job of posting here this year. Time and life go by so fast I often feel as if I'm caught in a whirlwind. I am determined to change that this month.  

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. For the past 3 years Carly Marie Dudley has put together an amazing project called "Capture Your Grief."  I participated the first year, took a break last year as I adjusted to being a mom to a living child. 

Link to the page. (Was going to be fancy and do a hyperlink but can't figure it out on the blogger app.)

http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/2014/09/capture-your-grief-2014.html

This year I'm back and relishing the experience once again. So, with any luck and a little bit of work, there will be a post here every day. 

Day 1: Sunrise

It was raining during the "official" sunrise time. This was taken about 30 minutes later. The sun breaking through the clouds, much like joy and happiness breaking through our fears and sadness each day. 

Peace and love to you all on Earth and in the Heavens. 

Head Over Heels in Love

Wow, I can't believe how long it's been since I've been here.  I was going to write one post a week, what did that last, 2 weeks?

A lot has happened since I was here last.  Vinny, our second little man, will be 1 in a couple of weeks.  I can hardly believe it.  Watching him grow and discover and learn and love over the past (almost) year has been truly incredible.  He has developed the most interesting and unique personality.  I love watching him.  Every week, every day it's like he discovers something new.  It's amazing and awe-inspiring.  Can you tell how in love with him I am? :)

I hope that my love would have been this strong for any child and I think it would have been, but I don't think I would have recognized or appreciated it the way I do without Alfy.  He's the one that really taught me what unconditional love is and how to not take it for granted.  I hope I can instill that kind of love in Vinny.  I hope he learns to love his brother and family that way (talk about pressure!).  



 

Easter

So much for getting a blog post up every week...oh well.

It's been hard to write again.  I'm raw this month.  My wounds are re-opened, time and time again.  First, the passing of Alfy's birthday two weeks ago.  Now the Easter holiday.  It escapes most people (or at least no one acknowledges if they've made the connection) that Alfy was born on Good Friday.  Tony and I left the hospital on Holy Saturday with empty arms.  We had to buy an outfit to bury our 1 lb. 11 oz, 13 1/4" little man in on Easter Sunday.  Not much for options.  In an ironic twist, if you would dare call it that, we ended up at Babies R Us that year, looking for a preemie outfit that seemed suitable to bury your baby in.  We opted for fleece, foot pajamas.  It seemed the coziest option.  I measured how long a preemie outfit was (on another occasion not long ago).  It measures about the same length Alfy was born at, so I'm guessing it was a bit big on him.  I don't know though, we never got to see him again.  

Easter has left me very raw this year.  Most haven't seen my freshly opened wounds.  I don't know how to share them.  But they are there, and they hurt, so much.

I'm glad Vinny is here with us.  He brings so much joy to the pain.  I wish I could describe it better to others.  It is an incredible feeling.  When they say you never truly feel great joy until you've felt great sorrow, they are right, whoever they are that said that.  The joy is compounded by the sorrow and the sorrow by the joy.  It's so complex, it's like two DNA strands, one side being joy and the other great sorrow, connected by complex acids of life and death.  

This Easter has drained me, this month has drained me.  I don't remember feeling this tired in quite some time, even with a 7 month old at home.  On that note, it's off to bed I go.

Happy Easter.

2nd Birthday

As I type this, it's been two years, 12 hours and 28 minutes since Alfy was born, 11:05am.  I don't know if I shared that in his story, I'm sure I probably did.  

I should be in bed right now, getting rested up for the full week of work to come.  But I can't.  I don't want to let go of the day.  I didn't want it to come and now I don't want it to leave.  

I miss my son.  I wish he were here, with his brother, learning new words, braving the stairs on the deck over and over again, refusing to eat all of his supper, snuggling at night as we read "The Very Hungry Caterpillar" before bed.  Today we would have had cake and ice cream, or maybe cupcakes instead of cake, or better yet maybe just brownies as cake.  

Instead, we had a picnic at the cemetery.  We took Alfy balloons and flowers and had lunch and took pictures.  When I get around to downloading them, maybe I'll share them here.  



Alfy, Happy 2nd Birthday in Heaven.  I miss you and love you.   Mom
 

Bloggin - Week 2

Trying to blog once a week is going to be harder than I thought.  It's not that I don't have anything going on, I'm just not sure that anyone wants to hear about it, cue self-doubt and no confidence (both have been creeping, no, storming, their way back into my life lately).  

I had a friend tell me of her second pregnancy.  It kind of hit me like a bombshell.  She had her first child 5 months after I had Alfy.  I've had my second child, so it's to be expected that others people I know will start having their second, third, fourth, whatever child.  It still catches me off guard and it still seems terribly unfair.  More of the "I'm so excited, we're expecting, how are we gonna announce it to family, friends, on Facebook? Can't wait for the shower! Never crosses my mind something could go wrong" naive outlook I am profoundly jealous of and can stand with any of my being all at the same time. 

Sigh.

Speaking of second children, I haven't written much about Vinny, but I think that will change as I go along.  He had some major milestones the past couple of weeks.  He is now 6 months and 2 weeks old.  Last week he figured out how to hold his bottle on his own (and balance it on his belly at school for efficiency) and last night he rolled over.  I was a little worried rolling was never going to come as he HATES tummy time.  But, I just kept telling myself it's okay, he's working at his own pace, and he was.  He also got his first major ouchie today.  While one of his teachers was getting the bumbo straps out of the way (does a bumbo seriously need straps?) he slid face first off her knee onto the floor.  No major damage, just a bright red, skinned nose to make him look like Rudolph.  He is a wonderful little being.  If you want someone to put a smile on your face, even at 6am (or earlier on rare occasion), he's the guy to do it.  He wakes up chattering and so excited to see you and be awake again, almost every day.  It's incredible.  

Well, it's time to go do a bath, an event that is lots of fun in our house (for real, he loves it!).

Goal for Blogging

We started a blog at my work.  I have volunteered to write for it, although I don't yet know about what.  It's nice because the posts will be spread among many of us.  My colleague who is spear-heading the project made a comment that if you never post on your blog, no one will follow it.  I think that is probably where this blog is at.  I never post, so why would anyone follow it.  

I am going to make a new goal for myself.  For the next two months, I am going to post at least once per week, even if it's about nothing in particular and only contains two or three sentences, or even one. 

But I am going to post.  

I want to make more connections through this and that's not going to happen by it sitting here with no new posts.

Here's my post for this week :)  Off to a good start ;)

Missing My Sons

Monday was my first day back to work.  Everyone told me it would be so hard, that there would be tears, that I would cry all the way to work.

The day was an adjustment, but I didn't feel it was too hard.  I waited for the tears to come, but they didn't.

That night I was driving home after my group and the tears finally came.

But they weren't for Vinny.

They were for Alfy.

You see, a few hours of missing my living, breathing, second son pales in comparison to the lifetime of missing my first son.